Young Writers Society

oh my god!! this was a great poem,exactly how one feels when they are betrayed. There was a power in each and every word.The rhyme-scheme was awesome. When the lines are read, I felt the pain. The vibe of the poem was empathetic.

I was totally awed by these lines:

"Somewhere inside i feel a bitter pain.

Somewhere inside she bludgeons me again
-
I’m weeping, and the people are all puzzled,

imagine that some rum or wine I’ve guzzled,

imagine that I’m on some crazy drugs,

or dreaming being beaten by some thugs."

Oh, man, wait, I think I have to paste the whole poem.
I like all the lines, and the consistency?! Great.

I totally loved this poem.Great talent you have.

Hey Radrook!

So kudos to you on using such a classical form to tackle a serious topic.

Obviously our most famous example of use of IP is Shakespeare who absolutely loves it. However, the reason that he loved it is because iambic pentameter mimics our natural speech. One of the main characteristics of it that people often miss is that it isn't just ten syllables, it's five pairs of syllables with one emphasised in each pair. That's why it has that distinctive rhythmic feel. I think that that was lost a little bit here, and that you probably sacrificed rhythm in order to make rhyme. This presents an issue as it loses that "natural" feeling, it just doesn't roll off the tongue so nicely. Some of the rhymes also felt a little bit forced which added to that feeling.

Basically, even though structure should be easier to write sometimes it can be hard to get right and it can take a while and a lot of reworking to get that natural feel. Maybe take a look at this and see where it's awkward and try and rework it until it feels just right!

- Stella