I’m weeping, but you really don’t know why
these floods of tears are pouring from my eyes.
Somewhere inside i feel a bitter pain.
Somewhere inside she bludgeons me again
while laughing as she always laughed before,
as she reposes in me evermore
despite my angered shouts that she should leave,
there she remains and gives me no reprieve.
-
I’m weeping, and the people are all puzzled,
imagine that some rum or wine I’ve guzzled,
imagine that I’m on some crazy drugs,
or dreaming being beaten by some thugs.
-
Reality is uglier than that,
involving not some dragon, but a rat
that gnaws away despite my yells to leave,
a hideously malignant, modern Eve,
hell-bent on causing me a hellish life,
a woman I once dubbed beloved wife.
-
I’m weeping and I hope you now can see
the ugliness that lives inside of me,
the constant pain of infamous betrayals,
the helplessness of clemencies that failed
restore a love I thought was ever true
but suddenly and rapidly withdrew
and now resides within until I die.
That is the reason why you see me cry.
-
addendum
clemencies
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
oh my god!! this was a great poem,exactly how one feels when they are betrayed. There was a power in each and every word.The rhyme-scheme was awesome. When the lines are read, I felt the pain. The vibe of the poem was empathetic.
I was totally awed by these lines:
"Somewhere inside i feel a bitter pain.
Somewhere inside she bludgeons me again
-
I’m weeping, and the people are all puzzled,
imagine that some rum or wine I’ve guzzled,
imagine that I’m on some crazy drugs,
or dreaming being beaten by some thugs."
Oh, man, wait, I think I have to paste the whole poem.
I like all the lines, and the consistency?! Great.
I totally loved this poem.Great talent you have.
Thanks for the review and encouraging words. Yep! That woman wasn't a very good experience at all. But, you can't go back in time and fix things. That is why being careful is very important.
We might be careless sometimes, but bad experiences are those which helps us create beautiful works. And your work "I'm weeping" tops in that list. Time travelling, LOL, that always hits me when I get bitter experiences.
Hey Radrook!
So kudos to you on using such a classical form to tackle a serious topic.
Obviously our most famous example of use of IP is Shakespeare who absolutely loves it. However, the reason that he loved it is because iambic pentameter mimics our natural speech. One of the main characteristics of it that people often miss is that it isn't just ten syllables, it's five pairs of syllables with one emphasised in each pair. That's why it has that distinctive rhythmic feel. I think that that was lost a little bit here, and that you probably sacrificed rhythm in order to make rhyme. This presents an issue as it loses that "natural" feeling, it just doesn't roll off the tongue so nicely. Some of the rhymes also felt a little bit forced which added to that feeling.
Basically, even though structure should be easier to write sometimes it can be hard to get right and it can take a while and a lot of reworking to get that natural feel. Maybe take a look at this and see where it's awkward and try and rework it until it feels just right!
- Stella
Please note that I am not seeking kudos. I am seeking honest opinion. The reason I explain this is because of the way you seem to sarcastically introduce your message with the word "So" as if I am trying to impress by using a Sonnet. Once a review is introduced in that seemingly intentional adversarial manner whatever follows becomes suspect of being influenced by the introductory attitude. So if a reviewer wants his review taken as sincere, a reviewer must be careful not to initiate his review by setting the wrong tone.
Furthermore your criticism is all over the place without any specifics which further gives the impression of seeking an annoyed reaction rather than to help. A reviewer who wants to help will provide specific examples in order for the writer to know what he is referring to. Where exactly did the writer violate the meter requirements of a sonnet? Where exactly is it not iambic pentameter? Where exactly did I the writer claim or give the impression that sonnets are merely ten syllables with one emphasized in each pair? Where exactly does the speech become unnatural from your viewpoint? Where exactly does the rhyming seem forced and why?
Wild unspecific statements without examples give the strong impression that the reviewer didn't actually see anything wrong at all but is merely pulling ideas out of thin air. That along with the total lack of having anything positive to say about a composition makes the review, IMHO totally without any redeeming qualities
Actually, there is a section here on YW that specifically tells members how a review should be handled. I strongly suggest that you read that advice so that your reviews don't violate those basic principles.
BTW
This isn't a Shakespearean Sonnet.