z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

First Darkness of Day

by Radrook


He stares at the smoke rising from afar with hatred in his eyes.

Above the conflagration, placid skies smile benevolently

further fueling his indignation.

-

The smell of sacrificial, burning meat causes him to gag.

He stumbles about enraged as his own sacrifice is blown away

by a stiff wind, scattering the fruit and vegetables helter skelter

until they disappear from his sight.

-

The sunlight blinds him.

The air smells bitter.

Desperately he scans the ground, anything will do.

A fallen branch leaps into his searching hand as if alive,

as if anticipating his intentions.

-

He raises it above his head defiantly sneering at the sky.

then runs as he has never run before,

chest heaving, lungs two infernal bellows

stoked by the rebellious one himself.

-

He finds the other kneeling reverently before the alter

enveloped in multicolored crystals of approval.

-

Silently and stealthily he approaches.

Strange how the thick gnarled branch in his hand rises as if on its own

How well it fits into his hand! 

How solidly it congeals into stone!

Grunting with effort he brings it down swiftly upon the other’s skull.

-

There is a sickening thud,

a nauseating cracking of bone

a sudden splattering and surging of blood

Then a deep disturbing silence.

-

Frantically he digs and hides the weapon

which clings tenaciously to his bloodied hand,

then hurries back to his fields to plant and to gather.

plant and to gather.

plant and gather.

-

But day seems darker,

darker than it has ever been before.

The sun is slowly eclipsed by the moon

and a colder wind sweeps in from the north.

-

In the far distance, wolves keen and ululate

as if in some bizarre celebration.

He can see their staring, slanted, red eyes 

approaching his way.

-

Two Hyenas gaze at him with mouths agape and chucklling

as they pass and it is driving him mad.

-

Finally he dares to gaze skyward at the growing gloom.

-

“Where is Abel your brother?” he hears a voice say.

Titian: Cain and Abel

.

Titian 1487/90 – 1576

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titian

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935 Reviews

Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

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Mon Apr 23, 2018 4:42 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Radrook,

Shady here to rescue your poem from the Green Room! A quick disclaimer, I am not overly experienced with poetry. I can point out things that I did or didn't like, in particular, but I can't comment as to how those well-versed in poetry might think of this poem. As such feel free to regard any or all of my advice -- but I will do my best to offer helpful comments, nonetheless.

Silently and stealthily he approaches.

Strange how the thick gnarled branch in his hand rises as if on its own

How well it fits into his hand!

How solidly it congeals into stone!

Grunting with effort he brings it down swiftly upon the other’s skull.


I really liked your imagery here. It's kind of morbid, but in a good way. Like he was completely complicate in the murder, but at the same time it's almost like his anger is the one doing it, while he's just going along with it.

I was about half way through the poem before I realized it was about Cain and Abel, but I do really like the way you work that in. I mean sure you could've been like "Hey guys, look at this poem about Cain and Abel" but the way that you have the contrast between the burning sacrifice of Abel and the fruits he offers is well done. Really well done.

I also like your Biblical theme in this poem. I don't often see poetry based of the Bible, but I liked this. You brought a fresh light to a familiar story, making it an interesting read. I don't have any nitpicks to make about this piece. I just all around enjoyed it. +10/10

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review, Very much appreciate it.



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212 Reviews

Points: 575
Reviews: 212

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Mon Apr 09, 2018 11:25 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



Please feel free to ignore my advice you do not have to take any of it to heart it is not meant to hurt you be mean or make your story seem bad nor is it meant to demine your story that said . . .
1. What I liked
I loved how it's about Cain and Able isn't it? and how envy caused him to sin. I loved how you were not afraid to explore the darker side of human emotion.
2. Flow and Style
Okay your style was excellent this is well written, but I think it has to0 many paragraphs I think it makes it seem . . .choppy. It could be smoother I think. It's just a thought.
3. Word Choices and style
Okay I am not accusing you of being terrible with words I think your a word master, but a few things threw me off
First of this line
In the far distance, wolves keen and ululate

as if in some bizarre celebration,

he can see their staring, slanted, red eyes

The line doesn't seem right somehow. It doesn't match anyother part of the paragraph. I also don't think that word bizarre fit's with ululate or keen.

Two Hyenas gaze at him with mouths agape and chucklling

as they pass and it is driving him mad.

That last part in it is driving him made doesn't fit. Maybe take away the and it is.

4. Nit Picks & Grammar
I found none nice going here.

5 Overall and encouragement
Thanks for posting this! Over all I thought it was neat. Good job. I hope you continue to post stuff like this.




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review. Will give your recommendations serious consideration. Glad to know you like biblical themes.



EverLight says...


Your welcome. Of course I like biblical themes. It's Godly. Godly is the best good there is.




If you run now, you will be running the rest of your life.
— Reborn