Always Remembered: Sonnet

Hello! Before I begin, I wanted to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. It was very sad, and I think you portrayed the emotions well.

One thing I noticed was punctuation.

In the first line first stanza, you need to delete the space before the comma at the end.
Also, you have punctuation in the first two stanzas, but ditch it in the third. I think it would help readability and cohesive-ness(If that makes sense?) if you included punctuation.

"But remember you I always will

until my mind meets your eternity."

I would put a comma after the first line, "But remember you I always will(,)".

I think my favorite stanza is the second. The near rhyme helps it flow smoothly. The imagery was vivid and somewhat disturbing (which I think is good here, not in a bad way at all).

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. It conveyed emotions well, and I liked the way you wrote it. It was a very touching poem. Keep writing!

ella

Hiya! It's Sally and this poem really pushed out the emotion it meant to have. The mother's tragedy really spoke out to me and the way you used the language gave more power.


I especially like the words "antiseptic glove" because it is usually compared to a doctor, and just by that we know something's wrong, just by antiseptic glove.

My two favorite lines are "the life we calmly gave you has been snuffed
out and you are borne away upon a tray."

What I got out of it was the mother had no problem giving birth, but somehow during the birth, the baby died, maybe it was sickly and frail, and it was borne already dead. Then the doctors and the nurses carried the baby away.

Of course that is just my thesis on what happened, but those lines really spoke out to me: the grief the mother and father must have felt.

"Until my mind meets your eternity" made me thinking. I am an amatuer poet, so forgive me if you disagree with what I say:

What I think it means is the mother will continuing loving her dead baby until she too meats her deathbed and she will no longer remember it unless they reunite in heaven.


That is just my interpretation of the meaning, but all that aside you did a wonderful job!

Oh No! This made me so sad. Well done, first of all.
I wrote a song a while back called "Potential Life" and it covered the exact same thing in a similar way. It described the same thing, but from the unborn child's perspective.

This kind of thing really pulls at my heart-strings. You showed in a poetic and well-written way the kind of thoughts someone might have after a tragedy like this. You captured the mother's feelings very well and got them across to me, the reader, in a way that made me feel for her.

I know that people have differing political stances on a subject like this, so you were very brave to post this piece. I won't go over that at all and keep this review strictly about the poem itself which was very, very good. I didn't see any problems with your rhyming, I liked that some of them were near-rhymes like "glove" and "snuffed" it helped shake things up a little bit. The near-rhymes also kept it from feeling too child-like.
I didn't really have any rhythm problems with it either, I got a little confused at one point but quickly got back on-beat.

Overall, a very heartfelt piece, it made me a little emotional, and it was well-written. You definitely did much better than I could've done. I really liked it and I hope to read more from you soon!
I'm not very good with poetry so you don't have to listen to me. XD I hope this was helpful,
-Anne

Oh No! This made me so sad. Well done, first of all.
I wrote a song a while back called "Potential Life" and it covered the exact same thing in a similar way. It described the same thing, but from the unborn child's perspective.

This kind of thing really pulls at my heart-strings. You showed in a poetic and well-written way the kind of thoughts someone might have after a tragedy like this. You captured the mother's feelings very well and got them across to me, the reader, in a way that made me feel for her.

I know that people have differing political stances on a subject like this, so you were very brave to post this piece. I won't go over that at all and keep this review strictly about the poem itself which was very, very good. I didn't see any problems with your rhyming, I liked that some of them were near-rhymes like "glove" and "snuffed" it helped shake things up a little bit. The near-rhymes also kept it from feeling too child-like.
I didn't really have any rhythm problems with it either, I got a little confused at one point but quickly got back on-beat.

Overall, a very heartfelt piece, it made me a little emotional, and it was well-written. You definitely did much better than I could've done. I really liked it and I hope to read more from you soon!
I'm not very good with poetry so you don't have to listen to me. XD I hope this was helpful,
-Anne

Legacy here for a review.

I love sonnets, although I am not good at writing them myself. I love the topic that you have written about as well since it is so controversial. The sonnet form works well for how you have written it.

There might be others on this site that might later say something political about the topic your poem is about. I love how you expressed the emotion of losing a child before they had the chance to live.

I don't see anywhere you could work on this poem. It is very beautiful on it's on exactly how it is right now. Keep writing. Legacy out.