One fine day I awoke and alack!
Two white glorious wings graced my back.
Was it blessing of flight?
Could I soar out of sight?
Needed practice to give me the knack.
-
So I perched on the Eiffel of Tower
On a night of a copious shower
When the streets were deserted
And attention averted
such as looks of disdain or of glowers.
-
Down below were the drenched, cobbled streets
and the asphalt and solid concrete.
Up above were the stars.
Far beyond beckoned Mars
while my wisdom still clamored: "Retreat!"
-
But why wings, if for flying not for?
To be shackled to earth evermore?
So I walked to the ledge
After courage I dredged.
But I oozed frigid sweat from all pores.
-
Then the leap and my chest to the night
And the flapping of wings to take flight,
But no aero-dynamics
So I started to panic
As I started to fathom my plight.
-
Outspread wings met the wet of the wind,
But the hover was brief. Not the spin
As I plummeted down
All the way to the ground
Which I hit with the tip of my chin.
-
Then my pearly teeth quick followed suite
And the cobblestone ground them to roots
Then my nose was imploded
And my cranium corroded
That's a fact without serious dispute.
-
Well, the rest is a blur of events
To forget them I feel more content
Glimpse of scalpel and blood
and the tasting of mud
My unconsciousness was heaven sent.
-
I survived by the slimmest of chance
But I'm learning today how to prance.
See! I woke up with hooves
Might as well try improve
Place your bets on me when you're in France.
----
Others in the same style which I wrote years ago:
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I definitely dig this! I love the unique style of writing, and you did a good job of keeping the tempo consistent throughout the poem. The wording took a second to get used to, such as "Eiffel of Tower" and "copious shower" to mean rain, but after a moment, it was definitely cool and honestly brought so much voice and interest to the poem.
I loved the plot twist at the end when the narrator didn't fly! The suspension leading up to the moment was very well done, and the rhyming felt very natural, not forced.
Overall, there's not really anything I can say is wrong with this poem! The rhyming and stanzas are consistent, and the narrator definitely has a personality and voice of his own. You did a really good job!
Would love to read more in the future! Keep writing!
Thanks for the feedback and encouraging words. Much appreciated.
Hullo Radrook!
I have some spare time so I thought I would pop in a review of this lovely piece!

I believe it's spelled Eiffel. Probably just a slip of the fingers when typing too fast.Overall impression
I love the image of getting wings and then not knowing how to fly. I'm also kinda obsessed with the subtle rhyme scheme. And your imagery is amazing!
Spelling and grammar corner
Just a minor typo!
Thoughts
There's a couple places that it felt a bit weird, so I thought I might touch on that and let you know.
I read this as "cobble streets" at first, but I guess it works just fine either way.
I had a hard time reading this; it jest felt so weirdly jumbled. I get why you did it this way, but I just wanted to let you know from a readers standpoint.
Just wanted to comment on the creative word choice!
I love your writing style so much; the flow is phenomenal and the word choice makes it feel so grand!
Love the piece!
~Cat
Thanks for the feedback, encouragement and the help. I will correct that spelling and see what I can do with the part he is hard to read. Also the punctuation. Perhaps a comma, "drenched, cobbled streets" helps it?
You're welcome!
Yes, the comma does really help too.
Funny how seemingly small things like that can make so much difference!
I guess it is the same with the visual and the musical arts. i was listening closely at How I was playing a certain song on the guitar and how the original sounded and the little flourishes that the original had included was what separated it from my attempt.
Wow! I like the imagery you painted. I've never been to France, but it's on my bucket list. I can honestly say that I probably won't be able to stand on top the Eifle tower without thinking of this poem.
Thanks for the review and the encouraging words. Actually, someone did jump off the Eifle Tower attempting to to parachute down with a suit he had designed. Unlike our hero, he plummeted to his death.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franz_Reichelt
Hi,This has got a great rhyming.Good one!
Thanks for the review and encouragement. I tried to use the Limerick as stanzas. For some reason I fnfd telling while using it easier.
I have more in the same style stashed here in case you wish to read them
http://www.city-data.com/forum/writing/ ... re-19.html