​Wings

by Radrook

Published January 21, 2018

E - Everyone

In Poetry

One fine day I awoke and alack!

Two white glorious wings graced my back.

Was it blessing of flight?

Could I soar out of sight?

Needed practice to give me the knack.

-

So I perched on the Eiffel of Tower

On a night of a copious shower

When the streets were deserted

And attention averted

such as looks of disdain or of glowers.

-

Down below were the drenched, cobbled streets

and the asphalt and solid concrete.

Up above were the stars.

Far beyond beckoned Mars

while my wisdom still clamored: "Retreat!"

-

But why wings, if for flying not for?

To be shackled to earth evermore?

So I walked to the ledge

After courage I dredged.

But I oozed frigid sweat from all pores.

-

Then the leap and my chest to the night

And the flapping of wings to take flight,

But no aero-dynamics

So I started to panic

As I started to fathom my plight.

-

Outspread wings met the wet of the wind,

But the hover was brief. Not the spin

As I plummeted down

All the way to the ground

Which I hit with the tip of my chin.

-

Then my pearly teeth quick followed suite

And the cobblestone ground them to roots

Then my nose was imploded

And my cranium corroded

That's a fact without serious dispute.

-

Well, the rest is a blur of events

To forget them I feel more content

Glimpse of scalpel and blood

and the tasting of mud

My unconsciousness was heaven sent.

-

I survived by the slimmest of chance

But I'm learning today how to prance.

See! I woke up with hooves

Might as well try improve

Place your bets on me when you're in France.

----

Others in the same style which I wrote years ago:

http://www.city-data.com/forum/writing/1184400-99-...

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
FruityBickel
Review
FruityBickel wrote a review Review · Jan 24, 2018

I definitely dig this! I love the unique style of writing, and you did a good job of keeping the tempo consistent throughout the poem. The wording took a second to get used to, such as "Eiffel of Tower" and "copious shower" to mean rain, but after a moment, it was definitely cool and honestly brought so much voice and interest to the poem.

I loved the plot twist at the end when the narrator didn't fly! The suspension leading up to the moment was very well done, and the rhyming felt very natural, not forced.

Overall, there's not really anything I can say is wrong with this poem! The rhyming and stanzas are consistent, and the narrator definitely has a personality and voice of his own. You did a really good job!

Would love to read more in the future! Keep writing!

Thanks for the feedback and encouraging words. Much appreciated.

User avatar
TheBlueCat
Review
TheBlueCat wrote a review Review · Jan 23, 2018

Hullo Radrook! :D I have some spare time so I thought I would pop in a review of this lovely piece!

Overall impression
I love the image of getting wings and then not knowing how to fly. I'm also kinda obsessed with the subtle rhyme scheme. And your imagery is amazing!

Spelling and grammar corner
Just a minor typo! :)

So I perched on the Eifle of Tower
I believe it's spelled Eiffel. Probably just a slip of the fingers when typing too fast. :)

Thoughts
There's a couple places that it felt a bit weird, so I thought I might touch on that and let you know.

Down below were the drenched cobbled streets
I read this as "cobble streets" at first, but I guess it works just fine either way. :)

But why wings if for flying not for?
I had a hard time reading this; it jest felt so weirdly jumbled. I get why you did it this way, but I just wanted to let you know from a readers standpoint.

And my cranium corroded
Just wanted to comment on the creative word choice! :)

I love your writing style so much; the flow is phenomenal and the word choice makes it feel so grand!

Love the piece! :) Great job and keep writing! :D

~Cat

Thanks for the feedback, encouragement and the help. I will correct that spelling and see what I can do with the part he is hard to read. Also the punctuation. Perhaps a comma, "drenched, cobbled streets" helps it?

You're welcome! :) Yes, the comma does really help too.

Funny how seemingly small things like that can make so much difference!
I guess it is the same with the visual and the musical arts. i was listening closely at How I was playing a certain song on the guitar and how the original sounded and the little flourishes that the original had included was what separated it from my attempt.

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Supe4Natural Comment
Supe4Natural commented Comment · Jan 22, 2018

Wow! I like the imagery you painted. I've never been to France, but it's on my bucket list. I can honestly say that I probably won't be able to stand on top the Eifle tower without thinking of this poem.

Thanks for the review and the encouraging words. Actually, someone did jump off the Eifle Tower attempting to to parachute down with a suit he had designed. Unlike our hero, he plummeted to his death.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franz_Reichelt

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Sveta Comment
Sveta commented Comment · Jan 22, 2018

Hi,This has got a great rhyming.Good one!

Thanks for the review and encouragement. I tried to use the Limerick as stanzas. For some reason I fnfd telling while using it easier.

I have more in the same style stashed here in case you wish to read them
http://www.city-data.com/forum/writing/ ... re-19.html



If I seem to wander, if I seem to stray, remember that true stories seldom take the straightest way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind