z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

My Helen

by Radrook


When I promised to love her
she din't believe me.
Decided to grieve me
and cruelly deceive me.
Den all a of sudden
she finally bereaved me.

Dat's what mah-Helen done went and did.
Dat’s what my Helen did done.

She left me to raise her
three kids dat were devils
with demonic eyes
and hair all disheveled
consuming my rice
along my gravel
with foreaheads receding
and chins horbly beveled.

Dat's what mah Helen done went and did.
Dat’s what mah Helen did done.

Did done didy-didy. Did done didy-didy.

Did done didy-didy, did-didy, did-didy

Did done didy-didy, did-didy, did-didy.

Dat's what mah Helen done went and did.

Dat’s what mah Helen did done.

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User avatar
79 Reviews

Points: 627
Reviews: 79

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Tue Jan 30, 2018 7:15 pm
CateRose17 wrote a review...



I love this, it's different, new and original. I love how you allowed your readers to see the accent given by the main character in the poem. Just the lines... wow, I really did enjoy them. My favorite is probably where you said:

"She left me to raise her
three kids dat were devils
with demonic eyes
and hair all disheveled
consuming my rice
along my gravel."

This was so perfect, almost professional. Very creative and wonderful. Oh lord, I have nothing bad to say about this. Very well done, I mean that.

Yours,

Cate




Radrook says...


Tjanks for the review. Very much appreciated.



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42 Reviews

Points: 122
Reviews: 42

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Tue Jan 30, 2018 1:39 pm
lolosboing wrote a review...



Hi. I like your idea of sort of lyrics and a song! I think it's really interesting. I do agree with CocoaCat about putting it in the lyrics category. :p

I'm not sure about how to review this hmm.

I think that you should keep working on this and make it kinda longer because I think that there's not enough content to give feedback on it.

"and decided to grieve me" I think that you use grieve when you loose someone, like, when somebody dies and you feel sad about it. I'm not sure if it's the most appropriate word to use here, but I know that it's really annoying to try and fix that kind of stuff when your work rhymes.

I really do like your idea though and you should keep going with it, just add some more content and have more of a plot to it :P

-Lolo




Radrook says...


Thanks for the Review and advice. Please note that I origibnnally wrote this in response to a prompt requiring thatwe write defective poetry. Same with my other one Buck Toothed Beaver. But since they say they liked it I assumed that it had some merit. About the berieved part. yes, Helen dies and leaves the speaker persona with devilish kids.His refeence to it as being on purpose is just a comical way of saying one hing and meaning another-verbal irony. POrior to her death she is dwescribed as a deciever. Notice how he speaker refers to them as HER KIDS. In other words he is either not identiofying himself with them or else he is hinting that she was unfaithful. The speakers going into a sort of ham-bone rioutine with just sound doesn't mean that he's happy. It just means that he is doing it out of frustration. I chose the name Helen because it can be shortened to "Hell"""which is exactly what she made him go through. I decribe her kids as sloppy and ugly because it reinfirces their evilness. Ugliness and evil reinforce each other in a very effective way. That's why they gice Dr. Frankestein a hunchback Igor as and assistent. Even his name is ugly. About extending it further, I appreciate the suggestuion. I do wish I had the talent to write songs but to be honest I don't know how to go about it and would probably botch it up. But I will give it a shot. Thanks again for the review. Very much appreciated. This is the website where the defecrtive poem prompt was made.
https://www.writingforums.org/workshop/



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48 Reviews

Points: 174
Reviews: 48

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Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:50 pm
CocoaCat says...



You know Radrook, I think that this should have been categorized as lyrics. ;)
It's great though, I really like it; very nice rhythm.




Radrook says...


Thanks for the feedback. Glad you like it. By lyrics you mean to be sung?



CocoaCat says...


Yeah that, I cannot do the english well today.



Radrook says...


No, your English is OK. I just wanted to make sure.




You cannot have an opponent if you keep saying yes.
— Richard Siken