I wish to hold you snugly in my arms
as you are sighing slowly into sleep,
to hear our breathing merging into one
and all our promises of love to keep.
-
To serenade you into realms of love
where only we and we alone abide
while all reality resides in us
allowing nothing to disturb our sighs.
-
To waken to your soft melodic voice
and gaze upon your white, angelic face,
savoring the taste of lips so moist
deep into your lovely eyes to gaze.
-
Where pressed against my chest you'd always be
beloved of my soul, my destiny.
------------------------------------
Snugly vs snuggly
http://wikidiff.com/snuggly/snugly
Serenade
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140,385 Literary Works • 673,140 Reviews
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
I appreciated the link you added at the end of your poem. It helped me to understand that there are kinds of 'snuggly' or 'snugly' that you can use in literature. I enjoyed reading this account of your affections for a woman, but it makes me wonder if you are still with her today. Though you did not mention 'forever' or 'eternity' in your poem, you described this woman's affection for you so vividly that it made me feel like you two would be together forever. I understand the romantic nature of this poem from the vivid wording you gave it. Using the phrases "our breathing merged" and "pressed against my chest" really brought out the romantic nature of this poem and showed me once again how good at using vivid words you really are. I have no complaints.
That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!
~ZeldaIsShiek
Thanks for the review Zelda. This was written for a lady that I met on the Internet and fell in love with. the relationship lasted approx two years. We never met in person since she lived in South Africa and I in the USA.
It came to an end approx two years ago. I am presently alone.
Hi there Radrook. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on Monday morning.
Change 'snuggly' to 'snugly' in the first line of this first stanza. 'Snuggly' is an adjective while 'snugly' is an adverb and while the difference in the spelling is a single 'g', the two have pretty different meanings. Furthermore, I'd even suggest changing the word to 'tight' or 'secure' because the word 'snugly' doesn't quite fit the tone you seem to be going for. Speaking of word choice, 'snugly' in the first line and 'slowly' in the second line is two adverbs in a row--try not to overuse adverbs. Also in the second line, 'sighing slowly into sleep' puts an odd image into the reader's mind--maybe switch 'sighing' for 'lulling' for a better effect, although that may be more of a personal preference on my part.
The constant end-stops (end-stops are when a line of poetry ends in a period, if you didn't know) in the first and second stanzas make the flow choppy. Instead of this, spice up the punctuation choice. I'd suggest reading the piece aloud for flow because you. Don't. Want. Your. Poetry. Sounding. Like. I. Do. Now. Let's take the first stanza for example:
At the end of the first line there isn't a need for a period as the poem flows better reading without a breath in the middle. The third and fourth lines both need rewording to flow well. 'To hear' and the word 'and' aren't independent. Perhaps add 'I want' to the start of the third line as 'I want to hear our breathing merging into one' sounds better and makes more sense. As for the fourth line--it doesn't even make sense. Does the speaker want to see their 'promises of love to keep' merge into one or is there another intended meaning? Reword and rework that for clarity.
In the first line of the second stanza, how does one 'serenade you into realms of love'? That doesn't make sense. The first two lines are fine flow-wise although the same can't be said for the last two. In the third line, the word 'while' suggests that the thought continues from the last line, but there's a period at the end of the second line! There isn't even a need for periods in this stanza save for the very end of the last line. Also, why are the speaker and the romantic interest sighing? I'd understand 'daydreams' or 'musings' or something along those lines but 'sighs' doesn't make sense.
I've grouped the third and fourth stanzas together because I don't have as many comments to say about each--let's begin. Change 'waken' to 'awaken' for better flow, first of all. I found this third stanza to be my least favorite of the four with the descriptions of lips as 'moist' as well as the two uses of the word 'gaze'. There's an over-usage of adjectives in this stanza with 'melodic' and 'angelic' and 'lovely'--use strong imagery instead. I don't have much to say about the third stanza other than that the imagery comes off in a more lustful tone and is a little much?
We as the readers don't even get to see a glimpse of the personality of the speaker's romantic interest and that's a shame. The fourth and final stanza comes out sounding more as incoherent romantic mumbling than a strong, coherent ending. The first line of the stanza sets up for a second, final line that may be 'closest to my heart' or another ending similar. The last line doesn't make sense and due to that, I'd suggest rewording for clarity.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped.
This will help in the evaluation of a Shakespearean sonnet.
blog/Radrook/challenges_posed_by_the_shakespearean_sonnet_b-64704.html
I didn't identify the form initially--maybe add that into the description or an Author's Note! Thanks for letting me know though!
Hey! Chitz here for a review.
Firstly, applause for you. The piece is really sweet, touching and true to heart. It beautifully portrays the love and affection towards the beloved.
The style of writing you have in hand is simple, yet beautiful. Your poem instantly makes sense upon reading and what comes next is a big smile on my face, and hope on others too.
Now, room for improvement.
I feel that using the same word to start the next line does not makes a good impression. Actually, your use of 'And' in the third line of second stanza disturbed my flow for a second.
You can replace it with something which makes more sense, but only if you want. No compulsions.
All in all, really a beautiful poem.
Hope to see your next work soon.
Keep on writing and enlightening the world.
Thanks for the review:
Here is the modified version:
I wish to hold you snuggly in my arms.
as you are sighing slowly into sleep.
To hear our breathing merging into one.
and all our promises of love to keep.
-
To serenade you into realms of love
where only we and we alone abide.
while all reality resides in us.
allowing nothing to disturb our sighs.
-
To waken to your soft melodic voice
and gaze upon your white, angelic face
savoring the taste of lips so moist
deep into your lovely eyes to gaze.
-
Where pressed against my chest you'd always be
Beloved of my soul, my destiny.
It seems to fit well now
Happy that my advice helped you.
Looking forward to read more of you.
I admire the word choice you used for this work. They are eloquent, yet one with a smaller vocaulary could aslo understand the meaning of your piece. I also noted your poem seems to follow Iambic Pentameter quite well. Please post more works and keep up with how you process them.
Thank you for the encouraging words. Very much appreciated.