While attempting to land on Kazoom
I engaged retrorockets too soon
and landed alone
in fields of pure stone
at Approx a full quarter to noon.
-
Scattered rocks were all perfectly round.
There were seismic-type grooves on the ground
and some quaint little fellows
with faces bright yellow
while the rest of their bodies were brown.
-
With crimson, coarse hair to their shoulders,
they followed from boulder to boulder.
Since I had no blaster
I started walk faster.
Felt my blood flowing colder and colder.
-
The little chaps stalked me you see,
in groups of a four and of three.
So I broke into run
under alien sun
and I heard them all chuckling with glee!
-
In the distance my ship was awaiting.
My heart in my chest palpitating
So I hit second gear
and became rocketeer
and was splattered against the ships grating.
-
So I hit second-gear and all of them cheered
as i splattered against the ship's grating.
-------------------
Addendum
The stanzas are written in what is called Limerics
the beat pattern is
3
3
2
2
3
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerick_(poetry)
The word "Grating" rhymes with "palpitating".
The word "see"maintains the conversational style I intended.
I originally misspelled "coarse" as "course".
Envoy
https://www.youngwriters.co.uk/terms-envoy
Repetition
http://www.angelfire.com/ct2/evenski/poetry/repeti...
Please note that retrorockets are not spaceships. They are part of a spaceship.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retrorocket
The expression blood running cold is and idiomatic expression. Idiomatic expressions aren’t meant to be taken literally. If they were, they would be nonsensical.
https://www.usingenglish.com/reference/idioms/
make (one's) blood run cold
To cause one to feel frightened or unnerved. The screams coming from the old, dark house made my blood run cold. That gruesome scene in the new horror movie made our blood run cold.
Farlex Dictionary of Idioms. © 2015 Farlex, Inc, all rights reserved.
make your blood run cold or make your blood freeze
If something makes your blood run cold or makes your blood freeze, it frightens or shocks you very much. The rage in his eyes made her blood run cold. It makes my blood run cold to think what this poor, helpless child must have gone through. Note: You can also simply say that your blood runs cold or your blood freezes. Then his blood froze. For there in the crowd was the one face he didn't want to see.
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Canary word: Present
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138,079 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
This was a great poem, and I encourage you to do more. Before I carry on, I'll introduce myself. I'm FantasyWriter76, but that was obvious. So time to review this piece.
I liked how this story makes sure you know what everything looks like, which I like because I'll sometimes have trouble imagining scenes that I'm not putting in a story of my own. I also liked how you used limericks for this poem, unlike just a normal poem that is easier to just pull out of your mind.
I thought you could maybe edit the end, which I'm not sure if it was intentional to put:
"So I hit second-gear and all of them cheered
as I splattered against the ship's grating."
which was already conveyed in the last verse.
Overall, a great poem I had fun reading! Thanks for this experience, fellow writer! 4 perfectly round rocks out of 5.
-FantasyWriter76
Thanks for the review. Glad to know you enjoyed the read. Will give serious consideration to your suggestions. Thanks for the help.
This has been in the green room for too long!
--
Hi, Manilla here for a quick review. Let's get on it, shall we?
It's implied that Kazoom is a planet in the title, but you could choose to define it here in this line.
Once again, it's probably just me, but you don't mention the other ships besides just one later in the poem...
The action of flowing does not require a temperature, but the blood itself can!
--
Yeah, I'm out of nitpicks. I thought this poem had a great description of things with a "Shel Silverstein"-like feel. And the poem ends with the narrator splattering against the ships grating. Fun :')
This stanza I like. A lot, for some reason I can't pinpoint. Thanks for adding the addendum and things below it for our information, by the way.
Anyways - Keep it up, Radrook.
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or rude. It was not my intention.)
Don't know how this review escaped my attention! Thanks for the feedback. Some of the concerns you mention are explained in the addendum.
No problem
Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not intended to hurt you or your poem and is not meant to undermine your story and no puns are intended to hurt or offend you or to be mean you best excuse them. ( All puns are my humur bubbling on top) That said . . .
1 Flow & Style
Your style was out of this world, however your flow was otherwordly. It seemed to choppy, somehow. No offense of course. Some things I could see:
and was splattered against the ships grating.
That grating seemed to edgy, like it didn't fit. More so because there was no rhyming words preceeding it.
The little chaps stalked me you see,
Nothing wrong with the word see, and I have nothing personal against it, but I think it would sound better without it.
2. Grammar & Spelling
Your grammar was excellent but I noticed a spelling mistake-I think, when you say
course hair to their shoulders I think you meant coarse.
Oh one last thing during that last line you accidentally left your I un-capitalized.
3.Over all and encouragment
I loved it great job! Keep up the work. I noticed no other problems.
Thanks or the spelling correction.
Besides that I see no need to change anything else.