E - Everyone

I saw Jehova’s armies

I saw Jehovah’s armies, attired in brilliant light.

I saw them march against the hosts, of unrelenting night.

And when I saw them march I said: “Lord let me fight them too,"

and then Jehovah said to me:

“You will when all is new.”

-

I said to him: “My Lord and God, then there will be no war.

to mar your holy earth. That’s what this battle’s for.”

-

"My son" he said, Jehovah did, in all his patient way,

“Do you not know 'tis not for you to take part in this fray?

Do you not see our battle-gear, our spears of piercing light?

The essence of our armor, is the essence of their fright.

-

A hundred thousand galaxies, our horses' eyes pour forth.

as we all gallop gallantly-pure armies from the north.

Do you not hear the hellish roar, of demons in a rage?

Cursing, cursing constantly, this saint and holy sage?

Do you not see their spears of darkness, drilling into space?

Stabbing at the holy ones, among the human race?”

-

“I see but I care not my Lord, my blood roils in despair!

Permit me gauge the evil one, out from his hideous lair.

Allow me please to wield a shield, as brilliant as your own.

To hurl a lance of comet-length, just like your other sons.

And with that lance to strike a heart, not fit to beat again.

A heart that pulses hatred, and can never be your friend.

To crush these evil warriors, with a lance of brilliant light.

To fight against this evil brood, this army of the night.

-

And then Jehovah said to me: “My horses neigh with power.

I hesitate for only you, a twinkling of an hour.

I hesitate for you my son at tribulation’s end.

For you have always been to me, my very best of friends.

-

The groaning of the human race cries out to set it free.

 I tarry for too long my child, with endless empathy.

My horses neigh at heaven’s gates and stomp the universe.

My angels shout the battle crie, for centuries rehearsed.

-

I hesitate for you my child, in lowly earth attired

who now requests to wield a sword of fulgurating power.

Who now requests to hoist a shield of scintillating stars

who wishes now to hurl a stone as vast as planet Mars.

Who wishes to engage a foe that I will soon engage.

A foe that he must surely know, is full of evil rage.

-

And then I said “Jehovah knows the anger that I feel.

for this disgusting evil one, who bit Lord Jesus' heel.

Whose dark angelic synapses, are powered to do harm.

Who never feels remorse, O Lord, when he inflicts alarm.

Who gloats upon a ruined Earth, in mockery of you.

Permit me fight this wretched one, before the Earth is new.

Before revenge is not as sweat, before the hour is gone.

Before this battle’s majesty is finished and is won.

Before the universe resounds with cheers of victory.

Upon your vast and endless realm, that universal sea.

Before no more the shields grow hot, the sword quenches its fire

Before angelic poets sing of peace on crystal lyres.

Before the symphony of light, caresses every ear,

and no one sheds upon the earth, the slightest bitter tear.

Before the night reluctantly, dissolves before the light.

Lord of endless galaxies, permit me please to fight.”

-

And then I found myself amidst a glorious array.

Angelic legions rank on rank, upon the holy day.

And I was given, as I knelt, a brilliant shield and sword.

And from my throat there roared the crie: “Thank you Lord of lords.”

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
inktopus
Review

Hey, Radrook! Storm here to give the work the boot from the Green Room, so let's get to it!

and then Jehovah said to me:

“You will when all is new.”

What is this supposed to mean? Honestly, it sounds like a lazy rhyme you came up with.

I said to him: “My Lord and God, then there will be no war.

to mar your holy earth. That’s what this battle’s for.”

This also doesn't make any sense in relation to the thing the narrator said before this.

"My son" he said, Jehovah did, in all his patient way,.

“Do you not know 'tis not for you to take part in this fray?

So you have God say that it's not the narrator's place to fight, but then he doesn't give any reasons and starts listing random details about the battle that have nothing to do with why the narrator shouldn't fight.

I also would like to mention that you begin many lines the same way, and your last three stanzas are all beginning the exact same way as well. Sometimes that's desirable (called anaphora), but it's just repetitive and boring in this case. It might be appropriate to keep some of them, but the sheer amount of anaphora you have makes the poem suffer.

Another quick note is your punctuation: it's very irregular. I got the idea that you wanted to make everything grammatically correct, but it's not. You put periods at the end of fragments and made a lot of other strange mistakes that should really be fixed to improve the continuity of the poem.

The final critique I have for this poem regards the rhyme scheme. You rhyme, but it's not in any set pattern. I'm no expert on poetry, but I believe that it's ideal for rhyming poetry to have some sort of form for continuity. You sort of have an AABBCC... (and so on) form, but you break it now and again to use a word that isn't really even a slant rhyme.

My personal opinion of this poem is that it reflects a dangerous aspect of Christianity. Many Christians believe that they're a part of "spiritual warfare" and it often brings them to do terrible things to hurt others, or at best, makes non-Christians out to be the enemy. As an atheist and in the minds of some, the enemy, it makes me a little wary of Christians who think this way. I don't want to imply that you have this mindset, but it does remind me of it.

If you have any questions or comments feel free to ask in a reply to this review!

~Storm

The rhyme scheme is abab

The meter is heptameter, seven iambic beats per line.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fourteener_%28poetry%29
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heptameter

It is written in couplets
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Couplet

That it is illogical, ridiculous, provocative, and drivel is your opinion which you have a right to have. Please note that I wrote it for fellow believers and not for atheists or agnostics. Neither was I looking for a heated debate over theological issues.

Just wanted to say two things:

1) this isn't in abab. Here's a link to explain the types of rhyme scheme to you: https://literarydevices.net/rhyme-scheme/

2) I never said your poem was illogical, ridiculous, proactive, or drivel. I only said that I think that a combative mindset is a dangerous one to have. Perhaps you do have that mindset, perhaps you don't. Regardless, I was just making an observation about the poem in a review about the poem.

i need no explanation it was a typo. It is aabb.
The Bible does have a combative mindset against the Devil ad his schemes. Not everyone agree that the Devil exists or that if he does exist, he is our enemy. So I can understand that not everyone would agree with the biblical view.

User avatar
EverStorm
Review

Hey Radrook! EverStorm here to review your work!

I have a bit of a rough time reviewing poetry, simply because I write poetry and I know things like flow, grammar, and wording are all really stylistic and vary from poet to poet.

But one thing I did notice, is that when the flow felt off, it's because you were using unnecessary prepositions. Of, especially. If you have any lines that you feel are one or two syllabuses off, you can take out prepositions or add them in.

Next, you titled the piece "I saw Jehova's armies". Then you use the spelling "Jehovah" and not "Jehova" throughout the piece. I'm not sure if there's a difference, simply because my denomination usually doesn't refer to Jesus as Jehovah. But if there isn't, you should be consistent.

Also, if you want proper punctuation, you're title should be "I Saw Jehovah's Armies" because you only leave prepositions in lowercase.

Next, you use the words "my son" a lot. It's redundant and it should be a powerful title. The more you use it, the less power there is. Try replacing it with "my child" or another title a couple times to make it less repetitive.

Lastly, your comma usage. You should review this because there are areas that you don't have commas where you need, especially when you are referring to someone in the middle of a sentence, for example "I tarry for too long my son with endless empathy." There should be commas surrounding "my son".
I really liked the idea of the poem, and the way you styled it so it was more formal. You did a really good job with descriptions as well as captivating the reader. I enjoyed reading this piece, and I hope you continue working with it. It's not often that you see unique, well written religious poems.

Happy Writing!
Ever

I wrote this many years ago and found it stashed away and copied it as I had written it then. I appreciate your feedback and will work on certain things that you mention.

User avatar
Wriskypump
Comment

I enjoy the flow of it - yet I think some parts are a bit redundant (not that that's necessarily bad) but I don't really get the main character's request (unless it's to die now in order to come back with all the servants of the Lord who had gone on before) so that the mc can have a new bodily form to actually participate in the Battle and Witness it in the spiritual realm

Haha, you made me feel like I can see it already on the verge however!

Thanks for the review. Good to hear that you enjoyed the read. The redundancy is based on the mc need to insist that he be allowed to participate instead of watching the results while on Earth as most of mankind will have to do. Please note that such a participation would require that the person die and be provided with a body that is not flesh and blood. Actually, here is scriptural basis to assume that those who are resurrected take part in that battle. The poem was inspired by my anger over certain demonic harassment. I wished I could physically defend myself directly.

yes, I know there is scriptural basis for that without doubt! :D Sometimes I have also wanted to get to fight alongside angels and things and thump thump some demons. But is not the fight of faith... even the double honor? You have to shelter your heart from what you can't see, and go out on limbs sometimes

True, the fight of the faith on a spiritual level is very important. As the scripture tells us. put on the complete suit of armor which involves faith. But when some filthy, spirit SOB touches your body, it is natural to want to hit back personally. I don;'t think that God considers that reaction a sin. If indeed he didn't wast us to desire participation then he would not have promised us that we will be involved in the crushing of the seed alongside him. S the poem is not intended to have the effect of minimizing the imporatance of the spiritual warfare we are supposed to wage and neither is it based on any lack of faith in God's ability to support us in that spiritual warfare via his holy spirit. If indeed I gave or I give that impression then maybe it is best I remove it.

"The groaning of the human race cries out to set them free.
I tarry for too long my son with endless empathy."

I feel like that, and the last line, is where you succeeded. The rest seemed a little bit fluffy. I think maybe you could rewrite it with a bit of another angle/direction in mind ;)



We're just all nosy little busybodies.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi