How did it feel, Felipe?
After so much blustering and bullying?
How did it feel to finally be among predators like yourself?
-
Did you
scowl and threaten when you arrived?
Did you
challenge anyone to a fight?
Or did you finally feel the same
dread your devilish
craziness had inflicted on us?
Did you trot it out for show?
Tell us. We want to know.
-
How did it feel, Felipe?
-
When you found yourself in prison
surrounded by predators like yourself?
Every face a threat,
Every glance an insinuation or a probing for weakness.
Every moment unpredictable under the intense
gaze of bloodthirsty eyes?
-
Did you finally feel our
horrors when you insanely
brandished your knives and guns?
Did you finally hear the
beating of our trembling
hearts whenever you approached like a
rabid, wild animal needing to be caged?
-
How did it feel, Felipe?
When those around you weren’t afraid?
When kindred wild beasts considered you prey?
When those before you were fearless
and murderously enraged?
-
How did it feel, Felipe?
Tell us. We want to know.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hello Radrook! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
How did it feel{,} Felipe?
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
After so much blustering and bullying your way {around?}[/]
around?[b]{<-- breaks up flow}How did it feel to finally be among predators like yourself?
-
Did you {scowl and threaten when you arrived?}
Did you {challenge anyone to a fight?}
Or did you finally feel the same
{when} your devilish
craziness had inflicted on us?
Did you trot it out for show?
Tell us. We want to know.
-
How did it feel Felipe?
When you found yourself in prison{,}
surrounded by predators like yourself?
Every face a threat,
Every glance an insinuation or a probing for weakness.
Every moment unpredictable under the intense {gaze of bloodthirsty eyes?} {Actually, not all prisons are like that. Don't ask how I know}
-
Did you finally feel our {horrors}
when you had insanely
brandished your knives and guns?
Did you finally hear the
beating of our trembling {hearts}[b]
whenever you approached like a [b]{rabid,}
wild animal needing to be caged?
-
How did it feel Felipe?
When those around you weren’t afraid?
When your kindred wild beasts saw you as prey?
When those in your presence felt no fear
but were murderously enraged?
-
How did it feel Felipe?
Tell us. We want to know.
My interpretation:
Is this a real life story about a bully turned delinquent? Nice.
Overall:
I definitely liked this. It was morbid and dark enough to hold my interest, and is definitely one of the stronger ones of your poems.
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Sorry about this delayed reply. How I happened to miss this one is beyond me. It includes some very good advice. Thanks for the help.
This is fantastic.
With every question that the speaker asks, I get an insight into what the speaker went through. It makes me resent Felipe. Although the speaker is angry, I feel as if every line is heavy with sorrow rather than malice. I find it very sad the speaker has to recall his harrowing experiences in order to express his anger.
These are some really well-written lines! I got goosebumps.
Good job! Keep writing.
Cheers.
Thanks for the review. The fellow left very a very bitter memory. The night he was arrested I was looking for him to rectify a certain disrespect he'd shown. A girl was involved. If he hadn't been arrested that night that he threw that Molotov cocktail someone was going to get seriously hurt. I have always imagined that God removed him at that moment. Otherwise things would have gotten very serious between him and me.
Hi! I'm pizzaroll. I just felt like taking my mind off things by browsing the poetry section, and stumbled across this piece.
This poem gave me a harrowing feeling of sick revenge and justice. You always wonder what bullies will turn out to be years later, if they go down a dark path or pray for forgiveness to God and the victims. Or at least that's my perception of this, as a personal thought relating to the concept of bullying.
Suggestions for improvement:
You used the word "bluster" twice in close context. I would say perhaps use a synonym to avoid repetition that draws attention away from the reader.
One of the lines has two periods at the end of it. I'm not sure if that is meant to be an ellipses, as in ..., or if you just accidentally added a second period. Either way, it's a quick little edit.
What I liked:
The repetitious phrases of: "How did it feel Felipe?" as well as "Tell us. We want to know." They provided a recurring sense of darkness among the heavy poem. This is a topic that can be wonderfully and masterfully manipulated and changed, like an independent variable in a math equation (yes I am aware that simile is absolute trash but it's late and I'm tired). I do have a question - is the "we" mentioned over and over meaning the victims of only Felipe's bullying? Or does the "we" mean a general assembly of those fallen victim to bullying, not necessarily all by Felipe? I have a feeling it relates to the first one, but I am not sure.
This poem asks a lot of questions. I think it would be beneficial (as well as lengthening the poem) to add pure sentences in there too. That way, there are simple statements and accusing questions that blend together in the good kind of poetic mingle.
Regardless, this poem hit me deep in the heart. You certainly are a talented writer, and I am glad to have found this work tonight. Keep on writing!
Your review friend,
Pizzaroll (only the cheese kind not the pepperoni)
Thanks for the review. I will fix the typos and get rid of that repeated word.
The poem is based on a person who was extremely violent. He would up in prison after throwing a Molotov Cocktail at a opposing gang and almost setting some babies who were in strollers nearby aflame. A real bully. Carried a knife strapped to his leg and had a gun which he once pointed at me just for fun while he laughed like a maniac. I have always wondered what happened when he arrived in prison. He wasn't a big fellow. So he couldn't intimidate that way. We all knew that getting into a controversy with him was to risk our lives.
Thanks again for the review and I will take all that yu said into serious consideration.