Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
They embrace one another with a fervid fraternal affection.
Sheathing their teeth with slimy lips and sordid inflections
revealing them once more in some mutually-understood ritual,
hissing malevolently from a striking distance,
anxiously glaring and staring my way.
-
If only they didn’t exist, persist, insist to stay.
If only I could wish them all completely away.
If I could only erase the day in which
they suddenly emerged as if from the depth
of some eternal darkness.
-
If only I hadn’t loved them as I did,
believing them incapable of potential malice.
If only I had not perceived them normal,
not found them pleasant to my gaze,
soothing to my trusting eyes which were
unaccustomed to terrible transformations
of the unbalanced.
-
But their scowls were then benign smiles,
and their present growls were then helpless whimpers
and I felt compassion, thought myself noble and wise
and I must now pay this terrible price.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being punished for trying to raise a baby dino from the dead. Trying, being the key word there. *Grim looks over, glaring* SO! lets get started.
SO, the first thing I noitced is that, and I have said it before and I will say it again. IF. YOU. ARE. NOT. PUTTING. IN. GRAMMAR. PUT. IT. IN. AN. AUTHORS. NOTE. PLEASE. IT. WILL. SAVE. US. REVIEWERS. TIME. Thank you and moving on. Besides that, it flowed well.
Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! So, happy Valentines Day ! I really need to go now, Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Annnd I think he brought a dinosaur to life. Great. Anyways, Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
Thanks for the review, but if I am to profit from your advice, you need to be specific. Otherwise I won't know what you are referring to.
Hiya! Space here for a review!
(This was meant to be posted earlier, but unfortunately I was busy so I had to save half of it as a draft.)
Once again, I am amazed by the description and the vocabulary in this. Especially in the first couple of lines, (or stanza). "Fervid fraternal affection" and "sheathing their teeth with slimy lips and sordid inflections" were some of my favorites. I also enjoyed stanza #3. It seemed you/the protagonist/the narrator seemed to be speaking of people he didn't like, people who he disliked and he felt like they were untrustworthy as displayed in the lines "if only I hadn't loved them as I did", and technically the whole stanza in which that line is. It's just very descriptive, with great energy and feeling.
I enjoyed it! Good job!
-Space the Snickerdoodle
Thanks for the review. Very much appreciated.
Hiya!
This poem is a very interesting piece and I would just like to say a couple of things about it if I could.
I can see that it starts out talking about two things, you don't quite clarify what "they" are, which you may of purposely did. Going throughout it I can see you use the title a lot in it which makes sense in context.
In the beginning I see you have a rhyming tendency but you kind of stop it which I also don't know if you did on purpose, but I think it sounds really nice when it is rhyming.
Just wanted to say those things, but this is really good. Keep it up!
Thanks for the feedback. Much apprexciated. Yes, I decided to use internal rhyme now and then but to keep it within the free verse category. Please note that the "they"" mentioned are provided with characteristics which identify who they are. Notice that they came out of darkness, helpless, whimpering, were beloved and I felt they needed my protection and gladly provided it. Sound familiar?
Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
(The Comma Police is here! Anything I say here is just constructive criticism. If i offend you I apologize in advance.(I will try to be humorous.)
"Sheathing their teeth with slimy lips and sordid inflections
revealing them once more in some mutually-understood ritual,
hissing malevolently from a striking distance,
anxiously glaring and staring my way." The comma train has left the station! THere is no need for a comma after 'distance'.
"If only I had not perceived them normal,
not found them pleasant to my gaze,
soothing to my trusting eyes which were
unaccustomed to terrible transformations
of the unbalanced." There shouldn't be a comma after, 'normal'.
"But their scowls were then benign smiles,
and their present growls were then helpless whimpers
and I felt compassion, thought myself noble and wise
and I must now pay this terrible price." There shouldn't be a comma after 'smiles'. I know that this fells like I'm nit picking, but I'm just here to help, and I'm sorry if I have offended you in any shape or form.
From what I can see you don't have any other grammar and/or comma mistakes. Keep up the writing, have a good day.
Thanx for the feedback. Much appreciated.
You are welcome! Happy to help!