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Uh Planet ain't a Planet!

by Radrook

An eyeball ain't an eyeball
if it ain't like Donald Trump's.

Like a camel ain't uh camel
if it ain't gots double humps.

A bird isn't a bird
if it don’t resemble eagle.

A dawg is not a dawg
if it don’t look like a Beagle.

A cow is not a cow
if it don’t make "Moooo!" like me.

A sow cain’t be no sow
if it ain't nó pig like she.

So uh planet ain't no planet
if it differs from Fred’s head.

Stop a askin me dawg gonnit!
That’s exactly what i said.

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23 Reviews

Points: 281
Reviews: 23

Thu May 17, 2018 1:51 pm
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Jevan13 wrote a review...

Lol. This was quite the humorous piece. I do not know if you intended for it to be humorous as you listed it as realistic, but it was funny. I like the use of dialect as that's where I found most of the humor. It was also an interesting change to read from all the normal pieces I've seen thus far.

Just a bit of advice tho (this may just be me)

"if it don’t resemble eagle" This has a grammar issue, even for dialect, as there should either be a "no" after resemble or pluralization of eagle.

Also an "i" needed capitalization and I don't see the need to use an accent here "nó".

That's just me being nitpicky though so no worries. Otherwise I loved this poem, and I can't stop saying how funny it was.

Keep up the great work!


Jevan13 says...

Oh wait, it is listed as humor. Never mind my stupidity %uD83D%uDE01

Jevan13 says...

Oh wait, it is listed as humor. Never mind my stupidity %uD83D%uDE01

Radrook says...

Thanks for the time-taken to review. Trump has taken on a sort of humorous aspect and for some of his supporters he can do no wrong. That is the reason I included him. :) BTW
Do you consider Pluto a planet?

Jevan13 says...

Lol I certainly agree with you. Pluto, I still believe to be a planetary body due to size and geographical aspects. It may be crossing Neptune's orbit but that's all thanks to gravity.

Radrook says...

It sure looks more like a planet to me than Mercury does.

Jevan13 says...

Soooo true!

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189 Reviews

Points: 15694
Reviews: 189

Thu May 17, 2018 4:34 am
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concord wrote a review...

Hey Radrook!

First off, I like the formatting of the couplets, but the single/double spaces look a little flipped, since the first two pairs have a single space in between, but there’s a larger gap to the next two pairs. I don’t know if that was your intention or what, but that did catch my eye a little.

Continuing on, I must be bad at detecting jokes since I’m not sure why Trump is specifically mentioned and the inclusion of a cow. I was definitely expecting more illustrating of what makes a planet exactly, but I like the parts I understand, at least.

I would like to say that although the wording of lines like

if it don’t make "Moooo!" like me
if it ain't no pig like she
confuse me, I really like how you've created the speaker. You've really created a specific persona in your language, and I can totally picture an accent while reading this, which adds to the reading experience.

On a side note, was the "no" meant to have an accent mark on the "o"? I keep catching myself on that line to look for a different meaning, but as of right now, I can't detect one.

Overall, you've really created a cool sounding poem, although I do admit to not understanding the bigger theme or idea in the mentioned lines. I've grown to like your works, and this was not an exception, even with my confusion. Until I review your next work!


Radrook says...

Thanks for the feedback. This should be in the humor category a well so that certain comments aren't taken as absolutely factual. If it didn't elicit a chuckle then it failed in the humor part. Hopefully it didn't fail in the factual area as well.

concord says...

Oh. Yes, you did elicit a few chuckles, but that makes a lot more sense on the terms of the meaning of the poem. I am so sore for my confusion, but I did laugh at the pieces I could visualize, including the comments on the camels or dogs. Do not worry about your categories since you did not fail at humor or realistic. That is on me, not on you. I did enjoy your poem, overall!

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9 Reviews

Points: 483
Reviews: 9

Wed May 16, 2018 2:44 pm
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AnoCannotUserName wrote a review...

I really liked your poem! I liked the whole a planet ain't a planet theme and how, at least in my opinion, your poem explores how just because something doesn't exactly fit in with the rest doesn't mean it's not that thing. It just means it is a bit different and that's good. I like your use of language here because I feel like it adds to the story. My only thing would be that in stanza 3 to stanza 6, the language kind of gets in the way. I just suggest finding a way to reword it while still keeping it in the same type of wording and language you have going on. Other than that, I really liked your poem. I found it to be funny and have good points at the same time! I hope to see more of your work! :)

Radrook says...

Thanks! I will see what I can to to make those lines more readable. Telling me exactly how they tripped you up would help.

It might've just been me, but it was the bees. I interpreted that as actual bees and I had to reread it a couple of times to understand that it's be not bees as in the insect. That was the main thing, but I still really loved your poem :)

Radrook says...

I changed that. Thanks for the advice.

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"