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A reminder

by Radrook


I went outside to watch a star

as it fell across the sky.

It twinkled swiftly from afar

as it went streaking by,

and forced me to remember how

our love so quick expired.

A glow was forming on my brow

from times I still admired.

-

It sped away into the night

and soon had disappeared

and left me standing full of fright

exactly as I’d feared.

And there was neither afterglow

nor traces of its sound.

It only served to let me know

that you are not around.


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Fri Jun 15, 2018 4:50 am
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LadyOkra wrote a review...



Hello there!

I don't know much about the structure or rules of poetry, so I will restrict myself to commenting on the feel.

I absolutely loved this poem. I think your choice of a shooting star as a representation of love was perfect. The love you describe sounds to me like a burning, ethereal and ephemeral passion, just as a shooting star is a burning mass streaking across the sky momentarily, giving us the chance to experience its ephemeral beauty. Love is often like that. And you have captured that feeling perfectly.

A shooting star leaves nothing but darkness in its wake. Just as a lost love, a once burning passion that fizzled out leaves nothing but heartache and longing in its wake.

Absolutely loved it.

Do write more and more. :)




Radrook says...


Thanks for the encouraging words and the analyses of meaning. glad to know you enjoyed the poem. :)



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Fri Jun 15, 2018 4:10 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Lovely rhyme and cadence in this poem Radrook. It's short but bittersweet with those last two lines and clear to follow. You used elevated language making the poem sound elegant but not archaic. This I believe is one of my favorites of yours!

My only critique is I wish there was one more stanza to dig into that conflict a bit more; what made their love expire, would love just a few details to latch on to. Though I think your star imagery is quite beautifully written.




Radrook says...


Thanks for the feedback. Also for your help with the Villsanelle. I just modified it to read a little more naturally.



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Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:13 pm
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Lives4Christ24 wrote a review...



Salutations @Radrook, Lives is here for yet another review.
I hope I don't offend n anyone with my review, that is not my intent. My intent is to edify and encourage other writers through constructive criticism.
Like @Sree I love to read your works, and I also enjoyed your hello poem. I really like how you used a shooting star as the beginning of your poem and how it causes pain. Usually shooting stars are used in a more happy way, and that's what makes your poem unique. You show shooting stars in a different view than the average writer and that's very cool. Your title is good and goes with the poem. I can't wait to read your next poem.




Radrook says...


Thanks for the positive review and encouraging words. Happy to know you enjoyed the read.



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Thu Jun 14, 2018 11:39 am
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yashviporwal says...



This poem is so beautiful.
I love everything that is written about stars but this is good to another level. I could feel the pain and longing as i scrolled down.
The title seemed a bit abstract. But you have great content.
Keep writing. Wishing you lot of prosperity.
:)




Radrook says...


Thanks also for the prosperity wish! May you also prosper! :)



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Thu Jun 14, 2018 11:38 am
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yashviporwal says...



This poem is so beautiful.
I love everything that is written about stars but this is good to another level. I could feel the pain and longing as i scrolled down.
The title seemed a bit abstract. But you have great content.
Its lit.
:)




Radrook says...


Thanks for the encouraging words. Glad to know you found the poem a good read. :)



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Thu Jun 14, 2018 7:53 am
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Sree wrote a review...



WOW! I love this poem. I am breaking my head to get a rhyme-scheme like this.

I feel the pain in your poem, I liked how you compared the fall of the star with the expire of love.

It is quite a imagery!!

It is realistic,man, I adore your works!


"It sped away into the night

and soon had disappeared

and left me standing full of fright

exactly as I’d feared.

And there was neither afterglow

nor traces of its sound.

It only served to let me know

that you are not around."


Perfect lines to deliver the pain. The last four lines of the poem gave me a heavy heart.
I just don't know what to say, The rhyme-scheme and the words of your poem were remarkable.

These lines just wow:

"It twinkled swiftly from afar

as it went streaking by,

and forced me to remember how

our love so quick expired."

Great observation coherently relates to your wonderful imagination.

Great job per usual. :)

I read your poem starting with "hello" just now, it was remarkable. I liked it :)

Thanks for sharing your amazing works, It gets me inspired.




Radrook says...


Thanks for the positive review Sree. Glad to know you enjoyed the read and find inspiration in doing so. :)



Sree says...


You are welcome :)




Seeing is believing, but feeling is the truth.
— Thomas Fuller