Once more, corrosive dust infiltrates my lungs.
Once again I struggle to rise to my unsteady blistered feet,
coughing violently and staggering through endless paths of failure.
I am repeatedly submerged and emerge from bottomless pits
brimming with humiliations and frustration until I can take no more.
-
I scream for mercy but am suffocated by a deep uncaring silence
that muffles my cries. Someone is wishing me dead.
I can feel it in my withering bones.
I am alone and discarded,
a decrepit puppet that has outlived its puppeteer.
-
Fear is my only emotion.
Fear of a featureless future.
Fear of the pathetic present.
A reminiscent fear of the parasitic past.
A deep dread of the unknown that growls, snarls and grimaces
as if in a perpetual sadistic ecstasy
feeding off my misery and pain.
-
I rise again only to be bludgeoned to the ground.
Sunlight glares a day and moonlight stares a night.
I am in constant flight from the enemy within.
I must have sinned to be so deserving.
I must have sinned for
acid showers to gnaw away my skin
so I can begin anew.
-
I must have sinned for
flowers to wreak of festering manure,
for being fitted with iron-cast shoes that cause me to stumble,
for not being allowed to grumble
at shrilling voices that urge
Endure! Endure! Endure!
as I am being speared through and through.
-
I must have sinned.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
This is a beautiful poem, and as I've said in past reviews, I love that it focuses on an emotion and on a single scene instead of an overarching plot whose story it tells. I'm a sucker for these types of poems.
I couldn't tell if this was written in a meter or not. Some parts seemed like they were, and some parts seemed like they weren't. That confused me a bit and took my attention from the beauty of the poem.
The stanza on fear was powerful, but I feel like you could've played around with some different punctuation choices and line divisions to see what would've been the most effective, because I know for me it was missing just a little something.
On a more positive note, your imagery was absolutely beautiful and I loved how you used the repetition of the word "Endure!" Also, how the narrator comes to the conclusion in the last line that "I must have sinned." That one, succinct line contrasted with the flowing imagery and length of the rest of the poem really hits home. Bravo!
Thanks for the review. I will keep the advice in mind. Thanks for the help. Much appreciated.
Hiya!
Temptress here to give a review!
So, first of all I'd just like to say I found your poem very interesting and I really enjoyed it.
Now on to the review.
Like the first person who reviewed this poem said, the imagery you used was very well chosen. Also, I thought the use of repetition of the word "Endure" was a very well chosen way to write this. As well as the last person, I do like how you did a theme of sorts as living through life with nothing but fear as an emotion and the sin you have committed.
I'm so sorry that this review is so much like the first. Anyways I did really enjoy this work of art.
Until next time!
~Temptress~
Thanks for the review. Really appreciate it.
Legacy here for a review.
I love the imagery that you used in this work. I love how you describe going through life with fear as your only emotion and how your suffering is because of whatever sin you must have committed. I don't see any grammatical issues with this either, although some of your vocabulary most people wouldn't know without grabbing a dictionary so keep that in mind. The imagery of this poem really brings it to life, and I think with less imagery, this work would not be as strong. I wish I could tell you something to improve this work, but I don't personally think it is possible. Good Job. Keep writing. Legacy out.
Thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated. Will keep your advice in mind.