It pains me to be pained. Is it so strange
to flinch whenever I am struck or stabbed?
Why do you act as if I'm so deranged
when I bemoan the screws upon my wrack?
It grieves me to be grieved. You think it weird
when precious things around me fade and crumble?
Or when the nightmares that I dreamed appear
and screaming towards their gaping jaws I stumble?
It stings me when I’m stung. You deem it sin
to grimace when reality grows sharp?
or when at dawn my agonies begin
and don’t desist though evening brings the dark?
Why must you be perplexed at my reaction?
Would you be vexed if I felt satisfaction?
-----
Word meanings
perplexed = confused
vexed = annoyed
deem = consider
grimace = to make a face of pain
grieve = sadden
flinch = a startled movement when threatened
deranged = crazy, insane
wrack = a device where people were lain in order to be tortured by stretching
bemoan = complain about
gaping = wide open
desist = to stop
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hey Radrook,
a bit of returning the favor here, you just reviewed one of my poems today so I'm here to do so as well!
Last time I saw you I reviewed a poem of yours about speaking like a high touting know it all on purpose because that's democracy [or something like that. I don't remember the specifics], so here's a really nice change of pace. I see that you're still using a really strong rhyme scheme, but I feel like the flow and rhythm of your poem really balance well with the rhymes. You have a certain cadance to this poem and it makes it sound very lyrical. I could see this being a song if you added a refrain for the chorus. It reminds me of Jason Mraz kind of with that song about life being wonderful. Check it out.
It's not exactly my favorite style to have a repetition of the obvious [to feel a sting is to be stung, sort of like being a runner means to run.] but I can see how it's worked into this poem and I think you did a good job with presenting it in a manner that sounds good.
Onto some meaning. I feel like this poem needs a little more umph to it. You have some really dramatic second and third lines in these stanzas, but you're missing out on the story by jumping into the next verse. Who is doing the stabbing? What is hurting this person? Is it a friend, a lover, someone else? Is it society at large? I feel like there are so many unanswered questions in this story that we're just glossing over the majority of the plot here. Why is this person crumbling? What do you mean by satisfaction at the end? There are so many questions I have here!
So that covers originality [it reminds me of that song, so not the most unique thing in the world], flow [well done], story [we have some missing pieces], entertainment [nice sounds], and I don't really think there's much else to talk about on this one! I'm really curious what you'd do without a rhyme scheme though. If you post one or you have one, send me a tag.
Thanks for the review. You say I just I reviewed your poem? I really don%u2019t recall reviewing any of your poems nor you ever having reviewed any of mine. On the other hand I was reviewing in a hurry as part of the Red team and wasn%u2019t looking at the author%u2019s name. So I might have done so. Was it helpful or do you disagree with my assessment?
BTW
Please note that your conclusion that all my poems must resemble the one called democracy is called the fallacy of over generalization based on insufficient evidence. Please note also that all the additional details that you expect want included in the sonnet indicate an unfamiliarity with what a Sonnet entails. That would be fourteen lines of iambic pentameter.
Furthermore, [additionally]understanding the poem%u2019s meaning and its purpose doesn%u2019t necessitate[require] those details. So they would be overkill [unnecessary]. The meaning can be easily derived [understood] from the context[the surrounding text]. Callousness [lack of empathy] in the face of suffering [when observing suffering] is a very simple concept [idea]to grasp.
Do I wish to send you my poems for scrutiny [inspection]? Thanks! Much appreciated but I will pass on that.
Word meanings
perplexed = confused
vexed = annoyed
deem = consider
grimace = to make a face of pain
grieve = sadden
flinch = a startled movement when threatened
deranged = crazy, insane
wrack = a device where people were lain in order to be tortured by stretching
bemoan = complain about
gaping = wide open
desist = to stop
I have no idea why you are suddenly defining all these words. I know what they all mean.
That being said I think you misinterpreted my transition and recollections. It was not my intention to make you feel as though you needed to define words, or that I thought all of your poems would be like that. I just wanted to explain that we have talked before and follow up on the progression of your style as I figure it out.
Its nice to see this is a sonnet, I didnt notice before. I wasnt looking for a structured poem. With sonnets, you can still have more story than this if you work with a turn in the poem. This doesn't have a very good turn from some bemoaned victim. If you have the last quatrain give details of the incident, rather than talking about an apology, you might be able to tie it together better.
But like you said to me about your review, these are all just suggestions which would make the poem fit my personal belief of what makes a poem good, no need to put any credence in my assessments.
My apologies if I offended with the definitions. But please note that I keep getting people who are totally baffled by such words as demise, hunch, dread, reign, monarch, demise, empathy, bulwark, bosom, svelte, respite, wrack, surmise etc. So I guess it was an overreaction. I guess we simply disagree on this assessment and on what a sonnet requires. But thanks for the feedback abd time taken. My apologies once again.
I apologise too if I somehow offended you too.
Hi Radrook! You already know me so I'm not gonna introduce myself. Happy Review Day!
The rhyming in the line "Why must you be perplexed at my reaction? Would you be vexed if I felt satisfaction?". I know its the last line but I had to bring it up since it is literally the only thing wrong with this poem.
You have an awesome gift straight from the hand of God. I really admire you as a writer and a person. You're awesome! Keep writing! Jesus loves you!
Thanks for the review the compliments and advice.
Please note that a Shakespearean sonnet can use feminine rhyme at the end of lines even though it adds another syllable.
The practice is both acceptable and common.
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/inde ... 404AA6xsy7
Here is another article that explains why an unstressed syllable in a sonnet is OK.
https://www.quora.com/If-a-poem-is-11-s ... ve-a-metre
Hiya! I’m Berri! (●⌒∇⌒●)
This was fascinating. It was definitely an interesting read, and although I couldn't draw any parallels from this to anything else I know, that's good because it's unique! I liked the wording you chose and I loved the way you styled it. It was cool! (＊◕ᴗ◕＊)
There weren't any huge grammatical issues with this, which was awesome! I think you did a really good job with this!
I know it wasn't much, but I hope I left a nice review for you. (◡‿◡✿)
Also, "vexed" is a nifty word.
Keep on writing!
Berri out! （ ＾ω＾）
Thanks for the review Much appreciated. Strange as it might seem there definitely are persons who constantly tell someone who is suffering not to take it so seriously. Sometimes the advice might be justified if the person reacting to the painful experiences isn't justified. But at other times being surprised when a sufferer complains is plain calloused and illogical. Some physical pain is almost unbearable.