Young Writers Society

Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.

I don't want to offend you, but the concepts that this poem covers are utterly disgusting. I grew in a Jehovah's Witness family (rather, am growing up) and I understand this more than most people because my father left the organization a long time ago, having felt out of place. He later learned of their corruption, and I started to realize that shunning people for changing their beliefs and refusing to communicate with them at all costs is literally illegal. Yep. It honestly just disgusts me how parents will not even pick up the phone if their own children are calling them. What if they die because they didn't answer.

Wow. Sorry about ranting. Let's actually review your poem now. I liked the abstract yet stern feeling this poem delivered. It felt like a poem that commanded the reader to take action, yet the abstract style of the stanzas and the word choice made it feel more like a flowing request. An example of this is the varied length of the stanzas. What made it stern was the repetitive nature and that most of the sentences were commands.

That's all for today, and keep writing!

~ZeldaIsShiek

Modified Version

He hobbles by.
I must greet everyone but him.
Turn my back, gaze away,
Speak to others as if he isn’t there.
Leave whenever he approaches.

I must shun him for his moral deprivation.
For his temporary elation over sin.
To help him begin his voyage back into the holiness of truth.

Greet him and I share his sin.
Visit him and I encourage his defiance.
Console him with a smile and I become child of the Devil.

He must be shunned.

No longer is he a son, daughter, father, or brother.
He must be made to understand the horribleness of his sinful deed.
He must be spurned into submission, made uncomfortable in his perdition.

He must not be allowed to feel accepted
He must be isolated.
He must be rejected

Hey there! It's MJ, and I'm back for another review!

My first impressions were that you did a great job showing the utter rejection of this man. I felt like shielding my eyes from this atrocity, and I got the impression that this man had done something unforgivable, and I could feel the repercussions of that. I could feel a sliver of pity for the man, but it was dominated by a feeling of disgust and hatred, so you did a great job portraying and projecting that onto your readers.

I was slightly confused by the spacing between "son, daughter, father, or brother". I didn't see a reason for that, and while it's your choice, I think it's worth mentioning that it didn't make sense to me and seemed random, which is, I assume, something it's generally best to avoid.

There also didn't seem to be consistent stanzas, and while that's not necessary for poems, I find that it goes a long way for making the flow seem better and making the poem easier to read. It gives cues to the reader of when to pause and when to breathe, and I think the more hints the poem gives for an oral performance, the better.

If you would stylistically prefer to keep the stanzas different for emphasis, that's fine, but you'll need to put some extra work, more than usual, into making sure the reader feels the rhythm. You could accomplish that by clear rhyming, perhaps, or by careful measurement of syllables so that the poem feels balanced. Those are the most basic ways I think you could neutralize the feeling of randomized spacing and stanza splits.

But overall, I think you did an amazing job with the general content of your piece. It was a powerful, moving piece, and the emotions you were able to convey and project onto your audience were truly remarkable. Hopefully some of my critique was helpful, and as always, I would love to clarify and answer any questions you might have.

Best wishes,
MJ

Oh dear, I'm not sure what I feel. I think I'm very much convinced by the poet that this "he" must have committed a sin so abominable that he must not be forgiven. He must be shunned. But on the other hand, I feel the poet too righteous. I feel more and more inclined to support this "he" over the poet. Very conflicted feelings.

Greet him and I share his sin.
Visit him and I encourage his defiance.
Console him with a smile and I become child of the Devil.