z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Had You Been an Adonis

by Radrook


Twenty tentacled, gray-spottled epidermis,

crimson beaked, you proudly crossed the vastness
of space to die un-mourned among us.

Your befouled gifts trampled under human feet.
Your sonorous gratuitous grunts
of pristine promises savagely spurned.

Swiftly you were tagged tyrannical aberration
Demon from some distant hellish domain.

Had you been Adonis,
multitudes at your feet!

Had you been but human,
human scorn withheld.

Priestly tongues would not have lashed your benign
countenance with righteous vengeance or
proclaimed you anomaly to be shunned.

Your cries for mercy would not have been ignored.
Your wallowing in agonizing solitude with injured tentacles
whipping furiously about in grotesque gestures of peace
would have been respected.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 1820
Reviews: 129

Donate
Wed Jan 03, 2018 5:41 pm
View Likes
Wriskypump says...



That's a masterpiece, a Magnum Opus if I ever crossed one




Radrook says...


Thanks for the feedback Wriskypump. Sorry I was late in replying. Really don't understand how I missed this.



User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 308
Reviews: 52

Donate
Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:02 am
View Likes
Sillia wrote a review...



Sillia here!

Happy review day!

I like to review as I read so if I correct myself at all during the post thats why But i wanted to get this out of the Green Room for ya :) Anyway on to the review!

Twenty tentacled, gray-spottled epidermis,
crimson beaked, you proudly crossed the vastness


So what I have to say about this. Its more the structure of the sentence. I know with me when I usually write poetry I don't normally put a comma in the middle of a line. I don't necessarily mind it because it contributes to the flow of the writing but at the same time it just sticks out to me I dont know how else to explain it xD especially because you don't do this throughout the rest of your poem.

Onward!

Your befouled gifts trampled under human feet.
Your sonorous gratuitous grunts
of pristine promises savagely spurned.


This is my favorite line in the piece xD theres just a lot of attention to the very little details that i can really appreciate !

I really enjoyed reading this piece and hope to see some more of your work in the future !

Keep Writing,

Sillia




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review. Very much appreciated.



User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

Donate
Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:55 am
View Likes
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hey there Radrook! I don't review poetry a whole lot, but I'm aiming for blue star #1 , and the title of this piece totally grabbed my attention. I hope I can help at least a little!

Nitpicks:

1. The way the final stanza is split makes it difficult to piece the whole sentence together. Perhaps if you had split 'would have been respected' off onto another line, that would help people understand what parts of that sentence are the subject, the inserted clause, and the predicate.

2. I like the reference to Adonis! Nice throwback to the title, which as I said, was really what drew me into this piece to begin with. Plus I'm a sucker for references to Classical literature, so there's that too.

Overall Commentary:

1. I love the use of alliteration throughout the piece. At first I was sort of thrown off by all the huge words (I tend to think it's a little snotty), but then I read it aloud and was like 'oh this makes sense now!

2. In addition to point No. 1, your tendency to use alliteration only when referring to the beastliness of the subject really emphasizes those descriptions.

3. Just overall, I love the idea behind this poem. It's a really interesting take on how we humans would interact with an alien (or other being) making first contact. The language, on top of what you imply happens to this visitor, just increases the tragedy.

Thanks for such an enthralling read!
Happy review day!
-Buggie




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review and the advice.

Yes, I can see how that last part needs modification. I will try to fix it.
About our human reaction to such a creature, I think that would be unavoidable. We are just put off with things that have tentacles. Having a beak makes it even worse. LOL!




It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
— Leandro Orr