Father, you always Looked away
everyday when you arrived
ignoring that I was alive
so that I would never thrive.
Such a simple gesture of recognition!
Yet you considered it perdition,
an utterly, dismal failure
of your pernicious plan.
You would enter, you would scan.
You would see me but see me not.
But in your fanatical delirium you forgot
voiceless birds might someday dare to sing
of maliciously inflicted things
that time can never blot..
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Hey Radrook, This poem touches upon a very simple topic recognition, acknowledgment these things are often taken for granted, but surely you know the value of a few words of encouragement. For me, this poem also touches upon a much sensitive and debated topic that is mutual existence or coexistence is recognition really necessary are we so insecure about our own existence our own selves that we need someone else to validate it, do we need someone to appreciate us so that we can appreciate ourselves ( so much for independence ) independence is actually dependence on ourselves but the concept of absolute independence is only seen in the movies I think.
Back to your poem, it is really nice, rhythmic and easy to comprehend and relate to.
Keep up the good work
Thanks you for the review. Yes, that is very true. Our self-worth should not depend on how others see us. As I wrote the poem I was recalling how my father had treated me with utter indifference since childhood onward. Please note that a child's mind is in need of recognition from parents in order to help form a healthy self-image. I should have indicated that in my poem and will try to revise it in order to make that cleat. Your advice has been very helpful in helping me to convey the poem's intention much clearer. However, I guess it can also be viewed as a way in which not to depend on others for our own feeling of self worth. Thanks for the encouraging words.
I added "Father, you always looked away...."
That way my age at the time and the relationship to the person spoken to is made clear. Thanks for the help.
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
So, to start out the review, there were a few grammar mistakes. The places that need commas would be " You always Looked away", "everyday when you arrived", "A simple gesture of recognition" and"But". Those were the comma mistakes that I noticed. The flow was great, nothing read odd and my favorite line would have to be "voiceless birds might someday dare to sing," It sounded so nice and really brought the poem together in my eyes.
No for the meaning of the poem! Heres to hoping I get it right! So, in this poem, you are telling us, the reader, that your former lover practically ignored you. They acted like you were not there and then did. But the never realized that you were waiting for the right time to hurt them back.
Overall, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Thanks- WAIT, MERRY CHRISTMAS, I CAN SAY THAT NOW! OR HAPPY HANUKA! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
Thanks for the review and advice.
The poem certainly lends itself to being understood in the way you describe. It was inspired as I thought about how my father went out of his way to ignore me all his life. I never sought any vengeance. But I did notice hat all things come to an end and that malicious attitudes to harm others don't necessarily triumph.
Murphy here for a review! First off let me just say you have a wonderful knowledge of vocabulary. I will probably have to google what some of these words mean but I admire your use of words very much. Second, I love the feeling this poem gives me. It definitely takes me back to when I was home schooled and couldn't for the life of me get a boys attention. My mother would say that was a good thing, but what does she know.
On to the critique! I love the poem because the rhythm is consistent. However, the very end seemed to loose it's spark. Maybe that's the feeling i am supposed to get. If so, pay this review no mind and just fly away with the compliments. haha.
Over all, I love it. I think it speaks for a lot of people who want to be noticed and the jerks who refuse to do just that. The rhyming is outstanding and your creativity with words is beautiful. Thanks for the read!
thanks for the compliments and critique. Yes, I did hesitate quite a bit about that ending. But tried as I might I just couldn't seem to find another. Thanx for pointing that out. The poem can certainly be interpreted in different ways. I was thinking about my father's seemingly fanatical effort at ignoring me all my life when I wrote it. Even to month before his death he was still at it. But I guess death brings such things to an end,. About the boys at school, very often boys don't know how to evaluate true value. I know I didn't and lived to regret it. Boys stupidly tend to go by what glitters, and as the saying goes, everything that glitters isn't gold.
Modified version:
You always Looked away
everyday when you arrived
ignoring that I was alive
so that I would never thrive.
Such a simple gesture of recognition!
Yet, you considered it perdition,
an utterly, dismal failure
of your pernicious plan.
You would enter, you would scan.
You would see me but see me not.
But in your fanatical delirium you forgot
voiceless birds might someday dare to sing
of maliciously inflicted things
that time can never blot