Hey there Radrook! Just here to give you a little review.
So on first read, though I know this is a poem, I kind of read it like a song, haha! This might just be my first impression, but I could almost hear this in one of those old timey movies being talk-sung as a sort of silly moment from one of the comedic relief characters.
Though I'm not 100% sure about what the song is about, I think I get the gist that it's from the perspective of someone who was in a relationship with a gal, and that gal was not a good partner and it sound like they got in a lot of heated fights that were unhealthy. Hence the throwing chairs and threats with guns bits. And clearly the gal isn't true to her word either since she apparently promised bliss and only gave "piss."
I guess the reason I feel like this would almost translate better as a song is because of how much repetition there is. In a song, it could feel justified put to music, sort of thing! You know how choruses go on and on. But in reading it did feel a little wearying by the last stanza, since it's four stanzas of mostly the same content. I wonder, if maybe, you could break it up a bit? Maybe take out one or two of the stanzas of boom-bada-booms and add more storytelling content like you did in the first few stanzas, telling us how the person threw chairs and didn't keep promises and what-not. Of course, that is only a suggestion, so take it or leave it if you want!
I do have a few questions though, that I'm curious to hear your answers for if you'd like!
Ah, smack yow boobies.
Just because I'm a little unsure - is this your way of saying that she's beating her chest? Like, in an angry sort of way?
Also! Is something happening during all of the "schmack" and "boom" sounds? Are they fighting? Slapping or smacking each other? I think this confusion was the reason why the repeated onomatopoeia only made me feel more lost, haha. But it's possible other people know what you mean and I'm just a little slow to catch on, or maybe those sounds mean something to you that they don't to me!
Oh, and out of curiosity! Did the image you used at the end inspire this piece, or did you find it specifically for it?
Overall, I think it's got a lot of potential! I'd love to see you maybe do some more with it so we get more of the story behind this couple and how they fight or whatever! Hopefully some of my opinions were helpful in some way, and if you have any questions, feel free to reply and we can talk!
-sound
Points: 3255
Reviews: 174
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