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16+ Language

Ah boom bada-boom!

by Radrook


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

:D

Kiss! kiss! kiss! I loved ya!

Kiss-ah kiss kiss I cared!

Miss miss miss you missed me

when you flung at me that chair.

-

Bliss bliss bliss you promised.

Hiss-ah hiss hiss you gave.

So you really wasn’t honest

bout your need to make me slave?

-

Zoom zoom zoom I'm leaving,

Zoom zoom zoom I'm gone.

Who you gonna threaten now

with saber or with gun?

-

Ah boom bada-boom!

Ah, slack yow boobies.

Ah boom bada boom!

Ah shack yack shlack.

-

Ah boom badaboom

Ah boom badaboom!

Ah-Shlack!

Yack!

Shalack!

-

Ah boom bada-boom

ah, shack yow boobies.

Ah boom bada-boom!

Ah shack yack shlack.

-

Ah boom badaboom

Ah boom badaboom

Ah- Shlack!

Yack!

Shabalack! 

:)


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Wed Jun 13, 2018 7:05 am
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soundofmind wrote a review...



Hey there Radrook! Just here to give you a little review.

So on first read, though I know this is a poem, I kind of read it like a song, haha! This might just be my first impression, but I could almost hear this in one of those old timey movies being talk-sung as a sort of silly moment from one of the comedic relief characters.

Though I'm not 100% sure about what the song is about, I think I get the gist that it's from the perspective of someone who was in a relationship with a gal, and that gal was not a good partner and it sound like they got in a lot of heated fights that were unhealthy. Hence the throwing chairs and threats with guns bits. And clearly the gal isn't true to her word either since she apparently promised bliss and only gave "piss."

I guess the reason I feel like this would almost translate better as a song is because of how much repetition there is. In a song, it could feel justified put to music, sort of thing! You know how choruses go on and on. But in reading it did feel a little wearying by the last stanza, since it's four stanzas of mostly the same content. I wonder, if maybe, you could break it up a bit? Maybe take out one or two of the stanzas of boom-bada-booms and add more storytelling content like you did in the first few stanzas, telling us how the person threw chairs and didn't keep promises and what-not. Of course, that is only a suggestion, so take it or leave it if you want!

I do have a few questions though, that I'm curious to hear your answers for if you'd like!

Ah, smack yow boobies.

Just because I'm a little unsure - is this your way of saying that she's beating her chest? Like, in an angry sort of way?

Also! Is something happening during all of the "schmack" and "boom" sounds? Are they fighting? Slapping or smacking each other? I think this confusion was the reason why the repeated onomatopoeia only made me feel more lost, haha. But it's possible other people know what you mean and I'm just a little slow to catch on, or maybe those sounds mean something to you that they don't to me!

Oh, and out of curiosity! Did the image you used at the end inspire this piece, or did you find it specifically for it?

Overall, I think it's got a lot of potential! I'd love to see you maybe do some more with it so we get more of the story behind this couple and how they fight or whatever! Hopefully some of my opinions were helpful in some way, and if you have any questions, feel free to reply and we can talk! :)

-sound




Radrook says...


Thanks for the feedback. About the poem's literal meaning? Well, please note that this fellow is just making senseless mocking sounds to needle her. You know, just as a child might chant: Na! na! na! na! na! na!

Nothing unusual. Characteristically, when humans are angered and mocking someone logic tends to go out the window.

For example, the "yo mama is . . . ." jokes, which use hyperbole, very often don't make literal sense. Yet we cut them slack because they are meant as jokes. Actually, it is their nonsensical qualities that cause most people to find them funny. If we demand logic from them, then we are asking the comedian to divest them of their comical qualities which involves irrationality.

"Yow mama's teef are so green that she produces her own oxygen supply!" Should I demand to know how this is scientifically possible? If I did, then I would sound like Data on Star Trek the New Generation or Spock.

"Up your nose with a rubber hose!" and other such foolish expressions crop up within the humorous venue all the time.

Please note that I mentioned that the speaker is taunting her in the poem's description. Also, please note that my chief purpose is humor. If the poem causes the reader to chuckle or at least smile, then it succeeded. In short, that is all I expect the poem to accomplish. In some cases it might and in others not. But of course, everyone has a different sense of humor. In fact, some might even have no sense of humor at all as some comedians find out during some performances.
So it would be irrational for me to expect the same reaction from everyone or maybe even the majority in some cases.

BTW

I chose the picture of the ginger, Alfred E. Newman, who is the character appearing on all Mad Magazine covers, because I imagine him talking that silly way. He does have the perfect face for it. IMHO.



soundofmind says...


Leave it to me to take something to literally or too seriously, haha. Thank you so much for taking the time to explain your intent and everything behind it! The mocking silly sounds makes a lot of sense, haha. I'm a little embarrassed I tried to pry deeper meaning from it, lol. That definitely helps give me more understanding and perspective! And I see what you see in the picture! The character really does fit the voice in your poem! :) So yeah, thanks so much!



Radrook says...


On the other hand, you did provide a reason for me to change the the sound of some words in order to reduce the possibility of a misunderstanding and I appreciate that. Thanks.

Jokes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoW1WgCa0Qw



soundofmind says...


Oh! Glad I was able to help, even if a little bit! x)



Radrook says...


Modified it.



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Mon Jun 11, 2018 10:42 pm
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NafaKitty wrote a review...



NafaKitty here for a friendly review!

So, when i read the first line I wasn't sure I was going to like this at all, but it works.

"When ya threw at me dat chair"

this line confused me. I didn't realize why I misread it until I read it for a third time. Did the person throw the subject at the chair or did a chair get thrown?

"bout yow need to make me slave?"

I'm not entirely sure what "yow" is supposed to be. How, maybe?

"Wid saber or wid gun hun?"

I read this as wild saber or wid gun and got super confused...


My biggest suggestion would be maybe not using slang words and spelling everything out correctly. It would be a nice poem otherwise, I already think it's a cute poem and it has potential. :)




Radrook says...


I will change the spelling. Was it comical?



NafaKitty says...


It was, I found it fun and adorable. :)



Radrook says...


:)




Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
— Sigmund Freud