z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Bill me.

by Radrook


Bill me for the brains I’m missing

and my clumsiness galore.

Just desist your constant hissing.

I don’t work here anymore.

-

If I broke the electronics

by submerging them in glue,

apologies are like a tonic,

and I offer mine to you.

-

Please believe I’m really sorry

if I slipped and broke your back

or that my ineptness harried

you into a heart attack.

-

Or that I forgot to mention

that the mixture might explode.

Harming you was no intention.

How was I supposed to know?

-

Pardon me for all the trouble

and the piss-offs and the pain

and that you are seeing double

and your parakeet’s insane.

-

Please forgive me for the limping,

for the wheelchair and neck-brace,

for the constant need for wincing

and the scars upon your face.

-

It was never my intention

to sledgehammer thus your knee.

Please believe me when I mention

that I feel great empathy

-

for the agonies you suffer

stemming from my clumsiness.

Let me be your private chauffeur.

I will drive with great finesse.  :)

-------------------------------

Please consider this before insisting that a poet use your preferred punctuation.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artistic_license

Also, reading some  EE Cummings might help.

.

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841 Reviews

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Sun Jan 28, 2018 2:18 pm
Radrook says...



Please consider this before insisting that a poet use your preferred punctuation.

Poetic Licence
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artistic_license

Also, reading some EE Cummings might help.




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Sun Jan 28, 2018 1:42 pm
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Mathy wrote a review...



Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.

This is a very interesting poem because it describes someone who is comically clumsy to the point of accidentally hurting others or destroying things that are important to him or his job. You state about half-way through the poem that it is his inability to do things correctly (his clumsiness) is what is causing him (sorry for assuming genders, but it's just what the poem inspired me to imagine) to hurt others accidentally. This is truly relatable, as I am somewhat clumsy and I mess things up often to no avail to others. Your use of comical events that do not seem to be accidental may imply that this man uses clumsiness as an excuse to do harmful things. Who accidentally submerges electronics in glue or hits you in the knee with a sledgehammer?!?!

That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!

~ZeldaIsShiek




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review. Yes, I did intend to imply that this guy might be indeed playing clumsy in order to get in his shots. Now he wants to drive hi around? Yikes!


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Mathy says...


Oh, nice! That's pretty cool, haha.



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Tue Jan 09, 2018 9:22 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Radrook! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Bill me for the brains I’m missing{,}

and my clumsiness galore.

Just desist your constant hissing{ -- }

I don’t work here anymore.

-

If I broke the electronics{,}

by submerging them in glue{,}

Apologies are like a tonic{,}

and I offer mine to you.

-

Please believe {that} I’m really sorry{,}

{that} if I slipped and broke your back{,}

or that my ineptness harried {you}

you into a heart attack.

-

Or that I forgot to mention

that the mixture might explode.

Harming you was no intention{,}

How was I supposed to know?

-

Pardon me for all the trouble{,}

and the piss-offs and the pain.

And that you are seeing double

and your parakeet’s insane.

-

Please forgive me for the limping{,}

for the wheelchair and neck-brace,

for the constant need for wincing{,}

and the scars upon your face.

-

It was never my intention

to sledgehammer thus your knee.

Please believe me when I mention

that I feel great empathy{.}

-

{F}or the agonies you suffer{,}

stemming from my clumsiness.

Let me be your private chauffeur.

I will drive with great finesse. :) {You don't need this smily face. It just destroyed the meaning of the poem.}


My interpretation:



This is just a cute, funny poem about being clumsy, eh? Much better than Da Buck-Toothed Beaver. No, I will never stop joking about that. NEVER

Overall:



I did like this a lot, but your grammar issues could be worked on :D otherwise, you're good! Definitely made me laugh.

Because I like seeing people get hurt :twisted:

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image


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Radrook says...


It represents the malicious nature of human beings and their enormous ability to feign innocence while striving to do harm. What grammar issues? I am not a mind-reader.



Radrook says...


Many of the comma suggestions are a matter of personal preference.
In fact, I could have added no punctuation at all and it would have been poetic silence. Something I will start to do from now on.



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Tue Jan 09, 2018 5:41 am
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Helena13 says...



I read this once. Then I read this twice. Finally, I laughed. This was amazing! This is simple, fun, and well written. Each stanza makes me laugh more and more. Meanwhile, it seems to tell a story of a clumsy person's life. Look at me trying to read into this haha. Anyway, I just really enjoyed this.




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review. Glad to know you enjoyed the poem.

BTW

Clumsy people can inflict a lot of injury without meaning to. Tis best to give them a wide berth.



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Tue Jan 02, 2018 3:04 pm
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LadyOkra wrote a review...



Let me be your private chauffeur.

I will drive with great finesse.


I'm fine, thank you. ;)

Dear lord. Definitely not a person I'd like to be around. Well, to be fair, we are all clumsy. We could be clumsy with words, who knows? However, the person you describe in this poem is a total klutz tending to psychotic preferences. The apology doesn't seem very genuine. :p

All in all, I enjoyed this poem. Caught myself chuckling at every alternate line.

Loved it. Keep writing.

Cheers. :)




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review. Well, if the hyperbole made you chuckled than the poem worked. I grew up around a person like that. the only difference is that he was always hurting himself in many diverse clumsy ways. LOL!




Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna lay down and become a tomato for a while.
— RokitaVivi