The buildings toppled with a rumble
bitter tears, laughters, grumbles,
puppy loves, childish schemes,
fervid hopes, wistful dreams,
proud remembrances of youth,
Ideas we held as distilled truths
with heads held high and eyes cast low,
amidst a ghetto crumbling slow.
-
Prideful violence, kings of naught
engendered there from what was sought.
Shackled legs and hindered hands
within the dismal project land
were scattered with the spreading dust
and with them scattered all of us.
-----------------
Author's Note
Actual Demolition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwBIUR8X2j0
[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwBIUR8X2j0]Actual Demolition[/url]
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
I feel like I've been reviewing a lot of your works lately. Maybe it's because you post so much. xD
But this is an interesting topic! I looked at the video, and I'll have to admit, it was a little fascinating watching those buildings topple. I understand it'd maybe be difficult for some people to watch, considering this was their home for a period of their life. You did a great job revealing these memories that made up the building. I thought you could have used more, however. Perhaps created another stanza that gave more specifics on the people there or whatever your choice.
Other than that, your rhyming was spot on and I really enjoyed this.
As always: keep up the writing!
~rosette
Thanks for the review and for the encouraging words and words of empathy. This is the place where those projetycts wee placed at the cost of demolishing a big part of that Italian neighborhhod. They reseted us becauseof it and there was great tension.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/newark ... 1122983038 I lived on the third building from the bottom an the edge on the eleventh floor. The exact address was The Shefield Drive apartment 11D. Newark New Jersey. I could see New York City's Empire State Building across the Passic River in the distance from my window. Lived there from age approx 10 to age approx eighteen. Yes, many memories were experienced there-both good and bad. A place where I went from childhood to manhood is never forgotten.
Hello Radrook! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
The buildings toppled with {[insert adjective] rumbles:}
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
bitter tears, laughters{, }grumbles
puppy loves,{what does this mean?} childish schemes,
fervid hopes, wistful dreams{,}
proud remembrances of {our} youth{s --}
{i}deas we held as distilled truths
with {our} heads held high and {our} eyes cast low{,}
amidst a ghetto crumbling slow.
-
Prideful violence{,}kings of naught
engendered there from what was sought.
Shackled legs and hindered hands
within the dismal project land{s}
were scattered with the spreading dust
and with them scattered {use another word than "scattered" so there won't be redundancy} all of us.
My interpretation:
Okay, so this is about our crumbling society. At least, reading in between the lines, this is what's going on in the poem. If this is wrong, maybe put a few more metaphors in the poem that direct away from that topic.
Overall:
Wow, this was really impressive. I seriously enjoyed. You have a few issues with punctuation, but otherwise, this is a great poem that deserves the like I gave it
Suggestion:
when putting the "actual demolition," add it onto a comment below the poem as sort of an author's note. you can also make it smaller by using the code enspoilered below
Spoiler
[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwBIUR8X2j0]Actual Demolition[/url]Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Thanks for the review. I lived in the top floor of the third building from the bottom. I did include the url to the demolition in my description but the link didn't take. Tried to go back sand delete it but could find a way. Please point it the specific punctuation suggestions. Thank you. There were many precious and bitter memories associate with that place.
- I meant on the bottom of the thing, not the description. Like where a review will go.
just click the spoiler
- Also, I did do punctuation
Thanks for the suggestions. Will take them into serious consideration.