*Note - Working Title*
it was yesterday
when i dared to
fight against the
voices whispering
in my ears-
ignoring the repetition
of sanity and insanity,
hesitation to follow
the guidelines of
diminishing all sorrow
by toying with life
by breathing in for 4,
holding for 8,
and releasing for 6,
silencing the screams
of help with
a smile and earbuds,
ignoring the negativity
and yearning
of speaking a
mere thought out loud-
because i knew the
time i relished in
my own self worth
was taking away
from my self made
journey of saving
the world
one
by
one.
but today, i dared to
let my eyes flood
with long withheld tears
and wash like waterfalls
that formed pools
within the bags that
hung deeply
below two tired eyes-
willing myself to
pick up the fork
and begin to eat
before encouraging others,
breathe because my
existence was not
a mere waste of oxygen,
talk to my friends
of sorrows long withheld
in between the lines
of poetry,
willing the corners
of my lips to
lift upwards
into a smile that
had long since become
a ghost story,
daring to look
into a mirror and
depict every single flaw
and will myself to believe
how wrong it is-
because i knew to
change the world,
i had to start
with myself.
(b.m.)
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140,482 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Hi SecreteJournalist, here's what I have to say about this piece-
Let me begin with a few remarks on the structure :
1. I must say that when I first looked at the poem, I thought that I would have a problem with how frequent the line-breaks are (because they're really short!), but once I started reading and caught up with the flow, I started to feel comfortable with the enjambment.
2. I like the neat division of the poem into two parts, and the contrast created since in the first stanza, the narrator isn't at peace with himself/herself emotionally but then, finds out the secret to happiness and does what he/she feels is necessary.
Now, there's just this one thing that I have to say about the content of the poem:
At the end of the first part, there is a mention of 'saving the world.' While I can relate this with the title, I can't see its relation with the narrator's mental and emotional state. I am confused a bit here because the narrator seems to be talking about his/her personal state of mind and troubles but then there's a sudden shift to saving the world and I find it hard to comprehend and relate it with what precedes it and what comes after it. You might need to be more clear here in how you translate the narrator's internal conflict into a 'self made journey to save the world.' Some more clarity and it's all good.
That's pretty much all I have to say. I hope this helps. Keep writing!
I love this poem. The overall message/theme of the poem is a very touching one and it easy to relate to. Your writing style is close to impeccable and very gripping.
The one thing I will say about this poem is watching where you are going. (In my opinion) There are certain points in this poem where it kinda dies. Try building tension in certain places and "Taking it down a notch" in others.
Overall the poem is lovely and truly enthralled me. I just feel like you can do so much with emotion in this piece.
I really do love it. <3
Hi there!
The title for this poem really drew me in- saving myself is a sentiment I've always loved. Maybe it's because I don't like relying on other people as much or I just like being in control and feeling helpless just doesn't go with that. But I digress. I just meant to say I was sold the moment I read the title.
The flow of this poem- I'm not really sure. At first I started of thinking this is great but then I'm jarred out of it. I've always thought that a poem that flows beautifully- transition of one idea to another seamlessly, the merging of one image with another equally vibrant and potent isn't the first thing you notice. If done really well, I would be so focused on the ideas themselves that I wouldn't really be thinking about the flow. Kind of like when you're watching a video- you're not thinking about how steady the camera is being held. But it'll be the first thing you notice if it's not.
The choice of words in certain places interfered with the flow:
Screams for help, maybe?
"yearning of speaking"- I'm not really sure about this phrase. "yearning to speak", maybe?
I had to read this a few times to get the meaning. At first I thought taking away what? Correct me if I'm wrong- I thought it meant taking away time spent on journey saving the world? you could either insert the word time after away or
just replace taking away with 'taken away'.
These are just a few suggestions but you can obviously replace the words with any of your own or just leave them as it is.
As far as line breaks go, I really loved the end of the first stanza. In my head the words nearly slowed to a trickle and it had this lovely dramatic effect. The images you've used in the second stanza are beautiful and most of all, effective. The word 'long' has been repeated quite a few times- you're obviously trying to convey how long it has been since the speaker thought of himself but try some synonyms maybe?
I really loved some of the images- "breathe for 4, hold for 8, release for 6" (this is how I put myself to sleep every night so hehe) and then "the sorrows long witheld between lines of poetry". Just so pretty.
You've conveyed the idea of saving yourself well through the poem so job well done! Word choice and flow are subjective so you have to see what works better for yourself. Hope I helped.
-Angel
Why, hello there. This is Margo Seuss here for a review. I like the flow to this poem. Every word seems to trickle into the next without flaw. It is true: in order to help others at all, we must ensure we are in the right state of mind to be of help.
I have a few ideas for this poem. You could try breaking it up more and see what sort of effect you get. Right now, you've got good flow, however, I feel almost as if the two long stanzas feel a little stretched...like I'm strangulating myself trying to get through them without a break. I find the words and syntax of poems have more meaning if they're broken up to an extent where the reader can focus more on what's being said. When words are piled high in long stanzas, meaning seems to get a little lost.
Here is a possibility: break after my ears-, break after releasing for 6, break after mere thought out loud-, keep the break after one, break after tired eyes-, break after before encouraging others, break after of poetry, break after ghost story.
See what that looks like and if you feel it improves the poem in anyway. This poem seems to be something that would be read to an audience as a form of motivational speaking. Well done. I applaud your writing.
Remember: a good work is never finished.
--MS