Note: This is my first poem for NaPo. I would love some feedback, for I feel the stanzas are lacking somewhat. Feel free to be as constructive with critism as you wish. Please and thank you!
"It's a sin."
Lips pressed together
forming a mess of
'California Sunset'
and 'Red Roses'
into a shade all their own;
the eyes of those
just passing by flashing
like emergency signs.
"Your case will never win."
Yesterdays rainbows swept
away by the storm
of supporters of societies norm,
clouds of smoke and
flooded gutters filled by
the pollution of those
who wished only to
see pink and blue
instead of the
beauty of colorful streaks
across the bright blue sky.
"She can't be your wife."
The sound of church bells
fired into their heads,
the shaking of two
mistreated souls then separated
by the force of a
law considered 'holy'.
"Why did she take her life?"
False tears streaming from
those who chose to see
only see two colors,
the tears of those who
chased rainbows mixing
with the ash of a
life that would soon
become their unfortunate fate.
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This poem has very interesting descriptions to enjoy you show how pretty nature can be and engage the reader on a heart warming journey of your tales. When you start talking about this woman, I automatically assume that you are referring to Mother Nature and how we were once connected gracefully. By saying that she took her own life you refer to us polluting the air and suffocating her. That or how she rains down storms among herself, destroying everything in her midst - her own little life that she used to hold dear to heart. Rainbows are there to show her beauty, the ash of the volcanoes show how powerfully harsh she can be towards us. This poem creates a message - respect for her will only get you part of the way. Overall I enjoyed unfolding this poem and its hidden message, a really good read. -Marshymallow
hey. prithamrittika is here for a review. i like your poem. the starting is nice. in your poem the nature's beauty shown perfectly.i like this. i don't understand the line
they eyes of those
do you mean the eyes. the natural colours you used in the poem, this thing attracts me very much.i dont understand the line
"She can't be your wife."
in the poem the starting is with nature but there you also talk about human. the poem should be only about nature in my point of view. but overall it is good. i like the lines
"Yesterdays rainbows swept
away by the storm
of supporters of societies norm,
clouds of smoke and
flooded gutters filled by
the pollution of those
who wished only to
see pink and blue
instead of the
beauty of colorful skies
across the bright blue sky."
keep writing like this..............
Hi. I am sure you doing fine. I am here for a review and I really hope it will be helpful.
Here I go!
So the first thing I wanna talk about on here is the way you wrote this poem. The sentences are kinda too short, in my point of view. Why don't you simply make a little longer? I mean, in each stanza, you can write 4-5 sentences!
It's just a recommendation/suggestion. You might or might not wanna do it. I just felt the need for it since the sentences of each stanza, especially the first few ones, were a bit short.
Call me stupid but I seriously couldn't understand this! Did you mean to say "the"?
Again, this looks a bit odd to me. Why not change it to: "just passing by the/a flash" or "just passing by flashes"
Why not push one of the "of" next to storm. Repetition of "of" (this sounds funny, right? haha) doesn't really look good to me.
Other than these few things, the poem seems flawless to me. It is well written and I enjoyed reading it. The only issue I had, as I said earlier, was the structure given to the poem. Try to write longer sentences and shorter stanzas. That'd make the poem look flawless.
I wish I could recommend you the ways to do so but I can't because it's your poem and you wrote it the way you felt like writing it. But I can help you if you ask me to! So do ask me if you want me to help you structure it in a slight different way.
Good luck and keep writing. Your poems are always amazing.