"Depression?"
It's like being a fish
in a cracking home.
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Canary word: Present
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139,495 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
Hello, dear.
This is the best poem you've posted on this site.
Your omission is exquisite. We don't need details. We just need that one image of a cracking fishbowl. Perhaps the fish is doomed. Perhaps not. It doesn't matter whether the fish is doomed or not. It matters that the fish feels like it's doomed.
I would change a few things about this if I were you.
I don't think putting "depression" in quotes is a wise choice. I got a strange tone from it, as if the person speaking has never heard the word before.
Also, don't use the word "being." It weakens the poem a bit.
You should consider making this a metaphor rather than a simile. A metaphor is stronger because you're saying it IS something, rather than a thing is LIKE another thing. "I am as tall as the mountain" is not as strong as saying "I am the tallest mountain."
I would try it like this (though this is a suggestion and you don't have to take it):
Fantastic job on this little piece. It's the best thing I've read all day (and free of controversy, too! This whole website is ablaze with religion and debates right now! Goodness gracious!). Happy writing!
Hey! I'm back on this site again after a little time off but I'm hoping you appreciate my comments
I looooovvvveee short works like these. So precise, and meaningful at the same time. Sometimes I'm just like YES, that's exactly how I'm feeling, in so little words, so perfectly.
With your piece here, I felt that same exact way, except for the last line with "home".
I don't know, that could just be my personal preference (which is completely in your hands to listen to or not), but I felt a little confused, like it ended abruptly and I was a little lost.
But overall, I love the point you're trying to make.
I'd love to see more of these short meaningful pieces by you, I feel like you could say a lot with a few words.
I'm sorry, this isn't a review, but I just wanted to say that I really liked this poem.
Hey SecreteJournalist! I'm not sure if you're familiar with how I review poem so I usually go through a list of pros and cons, my favorite part, and then overall thoughts. Let's go!
Cons:
1. Probably the only issue is the third line. It made me read through the poem a few times to understand it. Other than that, perfect!
Pros:
1. It was humorous, yet true. I like that.
2. You took such a sad subject and made it something short, sweet, and fun to read!
Favorite part is....The last line!!
in a cracking home.
Love it! Okay, so overall this is a really cool poem! I loved the idea of it, and it was surprisingly short! It changed your style a bit, but this works for you! Keep writing and as always, keep smiling! See ya around the site and in the reviews!
-Sis
Thanks(: