Just a thought,
nothing more.
A tiny, innocent light bulb
that dangles above her head.
Every thought makes it flicker and glow.
Days go by,
thoughts grow bigger.
Long sleeves to cover
the scars she has.
The light from the bulb exposed them.
Light is brighter,
thoughts are bigger.
The light is too hot.
She sweats off the pounds
as the light grows.
Thin girl,
scars and all.
Light exposes her wild eyes
as she ponders.
Always thinking, she is.
She thinks up a storm.
This bulb grows brighter,
it even expands.
Such a big light bulb
over such a frail girl.
So helpless and weak she is.
Her cuts bleed,
her stomach growls,
but all she can do
is feed that light bulb.
One day, the light bulb
becomes too vast and large.
It falls, her thoughts,
crumples the girl.
Over thinking was her demise.
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Hi SJ, have a nice day. Just a quick review on your wonderful poem.
I actually like the title of the poem that looks ambitious as encourage the reader to discover its contents. It's also a good idea and certainly can be processed as a vast source of inspiration. The Light bulb carries a distinctive meaning for the poet.
The beginning of the poem written very thoroughly, for me it's pretty to dive its meaning. The poet creates a character of a girl who is thinking of something with an element of personification on the light bulb.
The next stanza tells the reader about the conflict that is being experienced by the character in the poem. Here, the light bulb seems to be able to uncover everything in even though she tried to cover her misery.
The poem flows smoothly in narrative form that dazzles me. It provides lessons and unexpected conclusion.
The idea also appears thoughtful and sensible. You put the punctuation, which actually can boast a deep impact on the reader feelings about the misfortune that had befallen her. Good job!
A poem that enthralling and incredible imagery. Keep it up!
Kudos, cheers.
Wow. This is...wow. This is such a good poem, really. I can imagine it all perfectly in my head, the description is very, very well done.
If anything, at times, your phrasing is a bit unclear. The line I had the most trouble understanding was: "It falls, her thoughts,/crumples the girl." Otherwise, everything was /very/ good. I could really feel everything going on. I imagined a young girl sitting at an interrogation table, with a light on her face, exposing all the things she is thinking about.
Bravo! I can't wait to go and read more of your work.
Hey SecreteJournalist!
So, I read this a few days ago and decided to wait until review day to give you this review! Alright, so first of all, I must say quite a nice twist. You read the title, Lightbulb, and expect happiness. But that's not what you get. I guess I did the same thing in my most recent poem though too. Okay, now for my thoughts:
Just a thought,
nothing more.
A tiny, innocent light bulb
that dangles above her head.
Every thought makes it flicker and glow.
This was a nice start to this poem. However, the last two lines threw me off. I was expecting it to flow nicely, and it just might be me, but starting with "that dangles above her head" it just seemed to be unnecessary. I'm not saying they shouldn't be included, but perhaps in a new stanza to make it flow better. If it was supposed to be read like that, then I'm sorry I didn't pick up on that. Ignore everything I just said because I'm an idiot.
Days go by,
thoughts grow bigger.
Long sleeves to cover
the scars she has.
The light from the bulb exposed them.
Whoa..slow down a minute. Scars? What scars? This stanza changes the course of the poem. Again with the whole not flowing issue on the last line, but it might be intentional.
Light is brighter,
thoughts are bigger.
The light is too hot.
She sweats off the pounds
as the light grows.
This stanza was well written. I have no complaints. :3
Thin girl,
scars and all.
Light exposes her wild eyes
as she ponders.
Always thinking, she is.
Same. Can't find an issue. Nicely done.
She thinks up a storm.
This bulb grows brighter,
it even expands.
Such a big light bulb
over such a frail girl.
Continuing the she's thin and helpless stream. I like it. It makes you wonder what's going to happen. Will everything be all right?
So helpless and weak she is.
Her cuts bleed,
her stomach growls,
but all she can do
is feed that light bulb.
Wow. Nice imagery. Here is when you really see, that this ending might not be happy. (That rhymed, lol. I'm an idiot)
One day, the light bulb
becomes too vast and large.
It falls, her thoughts,
crumples the girl.
Over thinking was her demise.
Wow. Um, okay, she's dead. Why? The ending kind of confused me. When you said she died because "Over thinking was her demise" I thought, ok.....So maybe you could have used a word other than demise. Something to help it flow better maybe?
Overall, this was, and is an amazing piece of poetry. Keep writing and smiling!
-FCS
Yo:{D Dragon here for an early review day review. I have to say this was a very dark poem but it has a lot behind it. I enjoyed it a lot. Since I don't see many errors, except, unless it's just me, there seems to be comma's missing in a few places, I'd to throw out my interpretation. I think that by overthinking you mean she thought too much of her problems, which of course caused her to stress and worry more. Which in turn caused her to cut and starve herself. And though that is what caused her death, it was thinking too much about those problems that lead her there. So after chewing over this, I must say everything seems a little too literal. for example, maybe you could keep referring to thoughts as the light bulb? A suggestion of course. Anyways, a great poem from a great author!
I really like the metaphor of the light bulb representing her thoughts. This poem contained a lot of nice metaphors and unique description and is a pretty good poem overall all. I also liked how each stanza was five lines. That might me just because I'm a bit obsessed with symmetry.
But I think that it would be better if there was a bit of a back story you know. Like why does she just over think things and not go through with them? Why does she give herself scars? What is really keeping her from doing instead of just thinking? If you add a bit of explanation about her actions it will make this a lot stronger.
Hello SecreteJournalist!
Wow, this poem is very interesting, I should say. I never saw anyone feature a light bulb, the sign of brightness and hope into a depression. Did the 'lightbulb' on the top of those comic character's heads inspire you?? I'm just guessing, and I hope I didn't offend you with that sentence.
You have vivid descriptions and word choices, and I absolutely love them.
By, 'Over thinking was her demise', I'm guessing that you are saying that the girl 'died' or fell unconscious because of overthinking.. or maybe fell asleep? Either way, great ending, with flawless continuing of the poem.
Great job!