*Inspired by @Lau2001 's 30 Day Writing Challenge. Oh, and don't mind the generic title.*
Inhale.
Relish in the feeling of power and control whilst air rushing into your lungs provides you with life.
Hold it there.
Feel the desperation as the beating of your heart picks up a panicked speed to try to preserve your life.
Listen
as the silent room becomes loud with the lack of blood that once rushed quickly through your veins.
Watch as the world feels gray.
The color of the world fading to mellow shadows in your vision and your heartbeat slowing, skipping.
Exhale.
Let the rush of air give you strength to move on and view the colors the world has for you to see.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello there,
I read this line and the first thing I could think of was Yoga. I've become so into that lately and it's all about breath and this to me reminded me of it. In yoga you are told to listen to your breath and let it guide you through the pose and work out. What you did was break down each step in that process and it made me relish breath even more. So thanks for that! I read the other reviews and agree about this as a narrative poetry style and I'm glad you're experimenting. That's always fun!
I'd love to see more poetry that you do, whatever style it may be. As far as anything to critique I thought that this overall was a great piece especially for someone new to narrative.
Keep writing
xoxo
GossipGirl
Overall, I rather enjooooyed you poem.
I thought it was small, simple, concise, and well thought through. For organizational purposes, I will divide this into a prooos and cooons list. 
Enough of the cons now! 
Pros:) Every word was well thought through and meaningful. I loved the pauses for the breaths, and the fact that they were italicized for emphasis. Additionally, you were very descriptive and incorporated an astouding use of the basic senses. Well Done!
Cons:( I would have to agree with @TheStormAroundMe in saying this does sound pretty similar to a narritive. Not that it's a bad thing. But some people may need some clarification. I understand how they could be easily confused though.
All in all, I believe that you did an amazing job. Your writing was descriptive, you intrigued your readers, kept the audiance involved, and used your wording sparingly. Greeeat job!
~While I have you attention, I would like to encourage you to continue posting. I believe you did I beautiful job, and I would love to hear more from you. Believe me, others would to.
The End
Okay, so the poem itself is good. More than good. You mentioned to ignore the title, so I'm assuming you know what to do there.
Unfortunately, this wasn't really my kind of poem. It felt more like a small narrative TO ME than a poem. I mean, everyone has different tastes in poetry, so I'm sure to most other people this one will be cream of the crop. I think it lacked the flow of a poem, but your word choice was great.
-Grace
Narrative poetry is something I've been experimenting with. I hope one day to perfect it, but I'm sure that's a long while from now. Thank you for your input!