z

Young Writers Society



The Eye

by SecreteJournalist


They say the eye is a wonderful thing.
It has a pupil,
surrounded by a seemingly golden ring.
Tears fall out in crystal like form.
If you were to reach out and touch them,
they would feel lukewarm.

The eye can pick up many things,
in all shapes and colors and sizes. 

Most likely, what you see is many surprises.
Truly, the eye could quite possibaly be the gateway to the soul.
To look back at your eyes in the reflection,
with the mystery center the color of coal.
 
The eye truly is a wonderful thing.
A pupil, with a golden ring.
Tears themselves from the eye is crystal.
But be warned,
others are like a pistol.
 
The eye is a wonderful thing.
 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 100
Reviews: 42

Donate
Thu May 22, 2014 2:50 pm
ElectraHeart wrote a review...



Mmkay.
Sarai here for a review!
Hi cheese!!!
Anyways...
You totally gave a whole new perspective on eyes. (You have pretty eyes by the way.) okay, anyways, I really liked this. Flows nicely and gets your point across all remaining such a beautiful poem! (Come to the window with me. (You'll get it after English.)) So I really liked this. It's beautiful. (Like you!) okay, that's it.
Keep writing,
Sarai
Relatable
Dorothy

P.S. LOVE YOU CHEEEEEEESE!






My eyes are poop brown.... And I wrote this a year ago o.o



User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 60

Donate
Fri Mar 21, 2014 10:47 am
therealme says...



I love this!




User avatar
116 Reviews


Points: 9869
Reviews: 116

Donate
Mon May 27, 2013 1:12 pm
InfinityAndBeyond wrote a review...



This poem is good and has great potential I like that you used the theme of an eye, which is an interesting topic and how you described. However there are some suggestions I'd like to make.

Your first stanza and third one are a bit similar, if you wanted to make them repetitive, I suggest you make them a significant part of your poem e.g.

"They say the eye is a wonderful thing.
It has a pupil,
surrounded by a seemingly golden ring."

In stanza 3:

"The eye truly is a wonderful thing.
A pupil, with a golden ring."
I think you should have had this line for stanza 1 as well as three.

The last line, I feel is unnecessary we've already established that the eye is wonderful from your poem;
"The eye is a wonderful thing."

I think you need to add more depth and emotion to your poem, create more imagery because you could do so much with the theme of the eye, how people see differently from the same eyes, what emotions the eye has, what the eye sees, what it can capture etc....

The lines in your quatrains have some awkward lengths so cut off a few unnecessary words which are running the rhythm of your poem, also check for grammatical errors.

Work on developing this poem, overall well done and keep up the good work!


-Infinity x




User avatar
67 Reviews


Points: 3996
Reviews: 67

Donate
Sun May 26, 2013 4:56 am
Catnip wrote a review...



Hiya, frandd ^-^ Happy review day btw! (hiphip hurray for Tsunami Tyrants!)
Alrightyroo, I iz here to give you an appraisal of your piece and some of my enthralling opinions, which are so highly regarded here :3 (hehe Not.)
Anyhoo! Firstly, I adore poetry and verse, and always take time to scrutinize them pretty carefully, so feel free to ask me to review your work at any time, okay? ^-^
This is a very intriguing piece and I wonder how you aroused the scheme of it all? Very stimulating.
I did see a few grammatical errors, however, but they’re so minor that it doesn’t take form the piece (though I would advise you to polish it up a bit)
It has a lot of potential and promise and I’d advise you to clean it up as best you can and then repost it ^-^ All be more than happy to read it, or anything you post, at any time.
All Well done, keep writing, and do your best!
~Catnip~




User avatar
297 Reviews


Points: 9917
Reviews: 297

Donate
Fri May 24, 2013 7:03 pm
Kaylyn wrote a review...



O.K. Just a few things:

Grammar:
"Truly, the eye could quite possibaly be the gateway to the soul."
Should be possibly.

Rythym:
This poem has potential, however, you are using way too many "little words" in your poem, and decreasing the effectiveness and the flow. Before you put in a word, think to yourself, "Is this really necessary? What is this word doing for my poem?", if it works, put it in. An example of this is the stanza below:

Most likely, what you see is many surprises.
What you would see is many surprises
Truly, the eye could quite possibaly be the gateway to the soul.
The eye could be the gateway to the soul
To look back at your eyes in the reflection,
To look at your eyes in the reflection
with the mystery center the color of coal
With a center the color of coal.

See? Flows a little better. Just apply this to the rest of your poem.

Keep working with this, you'll get it. Good luck and keep writing!

~Kay




User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 790
Reviews: 45

Donate
Thu May 23, 2013 7:42 pm
MindBlown wrote a review...



Secretejournalist,
This is a very intresting poem. I'm really curious as to where the inspiration for tis poem came... That is if it wasn't actually your eye..... :). Anyway, the only thing I really see is that the lines are very long. Some of them like
"To look back at your eyes in the reflection, with the mystery center the color of coal". Could be to lines. If you just spilt it at reflection and with we're the comma is it would be the perfect length.



~MindBlown




User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 570
Reviews: 18

Donate
Wed May 22, 2013 9:53 pm
View Likes
Cosmo wrote a review...



Hi!

Well this is... interesting.

You've organized the poem into quatrains, with 2 rhyming couplets within them. Which is good basic structure to follow.

The first quatrain I quite like, the first line is a topic sentence and sets up exposition, as well as the title. There is a spelling mistake on a word which I'm sure you know how to spell, the 4th last word in the quatrain.

The second stanza is ok, it isn't as grabbing as the first one. And I have to PM you about the final line, because I have no idea what you are trying to define with that line. The word "alot" is also very debatable. I used to use it, but it isn't actually a word:
http://www.grammar-monster.com/easily_c ... _allot.htm

I like the soul concept though, however it has been used many times within books and I've seen it around quite a bit.

The final quatrain is better, especially the final like with the simile of the pistol, which also represents gunmetal grey, a cold color for the eye to have. The slight repetition is good, however it would be more effective if the poem were longer.

There is quite a bit of work to be done. The adjectives and descriptive language is a little basic, and I think some exploration of some classics and just some digging into a dictionary to learn better words to describe things would improve your writing vastly as a whole. Or if not that, the use of clever language and structure is another thing to delve into.

Looking forward to see how you progress!




User avatar
305 Reviews


Points: 431
Reviews: 305

Donate
Wed May 22, 2013 9:17 pm
View Likes
speakerskat wrote a review...



Really good! I alo like how you talked about the eye! People's eyes really do describe a lot about them =D
"The eye truly is a wonderful thing.

A pupil, with a golden ring.

Tears themselves from the eye is crystal.

But be warned, others are like a pistol."
This stanza I found a little confusing, you have to try and strike a balence between using simple words like is to much, or not often enough. Your punctuation was nice though I think more rythm would have spiced this up a bit, I love your rhyming!

Keep it up
~Speakerskat




User avatar
15 Reviews


Points: 503
Reviews: 15

Donate
Wed May 22, 2013 8:44 pm
View Likes
Lovexorxhatred says...



So deep. I like it! :D I'm new but you're definitely one to follow. I like how you referred to an eye, truly.




User avatar
26 Reviews


Points: 317
Reviews: 26

Donate
Wed May 22, 2013 8:42 pm
View Likes
PumpkinCat wrote a review...



Hello SecreteJournalist, Pumpkin here with your review of "The Eye". First off, I like this poem because it really defines what the eyes can do like in the line But be warned, others are like a pistol. Okay in the first stanza their is a y missing from the word "the" in "the would feel lukewarm. Good poem that's all I found that was wrong Good word 7/10





It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore