I used to count the stars,
but every day their was a little less.
The fog covered them all.
Wrapped away my dreams.
Fog from dreaded factories,
fog from all the vehicles.
The fog doesn’t end there.
We citizens smoke it too.
Willing let it kill our lungs.
Goodbye to all the sick,
goodbye to all the dead.
The fog wont miss you.
In the busy city,
the fog is the very air.
We made it, all us.
I dread seeing it all.
Oh the fog, oh the fog.
The fog kills us all.
Why do you think,
that in a lot of horror movies,
their is fog in spooky parts?
It's the killer we fail to notice.
It wraps away our common sense,
in a blanket of that blasted fog.
Today I tried to count the stars again.
I tried everything I could.
But the fog took away my dreams, the stars.
I cant see them anymore.
Why, oh why, does the fog do it?
I fear the fog anymore.
Tonight was it.
I am not putting up with the fog anymore,
nor will I let it kill me.
I can handle that myself.
I look out the window, to the very last star.
And then I jump to the sky, trying to fly away.
The last thing I remember, is fog
surrounding my vision.
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Hi, Cheetah here, ready to review your piece!
Wow. This is so meaningful. I really loved this.
This part is my favorite:
There was only one small thing that I saw that I don't think anyone has caught yet:
Did you mean "I do not fear the fog anymore"? I'm a little confused here, it just doesn't make sense to me.
But really, good job. This is a topic that people really need to focus on more, thank you for writing it.
Thank you for the review, it helps
Hello and happy Review Day!
Should be there*
Should be won't*
Should be there*
Should be can't*
Okay, so! Your biggest problem is not rereading this. You have many grammatical mistakes, as pointed out above. Please fix those so your poem can have a clear and steady flow to it; all these errors stand out and causes the reader to focus on them instead of the content of the poem itself. Also, here is a useful resource to help you with your "their there they're" issue. I hope it helps you understand the differences.
Besides those nitpicks, my biggest suggestion is to look for some synonyms for the word "fog." Here are some good synonyms to consider using. Trust me, reading the same word over and over can get boring to the reader, so you'll want to spice it up a bit! But be wary of overdoing it.
Overall, excellent poem! Your flow was flawed by the typos and grammatical errors, but once you fix them, it should be steady and easy to read through. You have some wonderful metaphors in use here, so keep that up! I especially liked the use of the stars, and that last verse was just perfect. Keep it up!
~Iggy
Thanks for the review, it really helps
Hey SecreteJournalist!
That was just ... wow! I love it! You have the anger captivated well, and the sadness. You've got it all written beautifully!!
I just have to say this, though,
"I fear the fog anymore."
That doesn't really make sense. Now, if you'd put the word "don't" between "I" and "fear", it would have made more sense.
Apart from that, amazingly written!! I was captivated and drawn in by the way you've written this! Keep up the amazing writing! And good luck for future works!
Sage
Thanks for the review c:
You're welcome!
Hello there, Buzz here to review!
Well I see what you tried to create here about kind of battling with the fog. It's a nice poem but is confusing at certain points. You also have grammatical and punctuation errors, so i'll give you some suggestions that may help improve your poem.
"I used to count the stars,
but every day their was a little less.
The fog covered them all.
Wrapped away my dreams.
Fog from dreaded factories,
fog from all the vehicles."
Here, there are some grammatical errors.
Second line should read, "but everyday there was a little less."
A suggestion for line four, instead of "wrapped" how about faded? Since the topic is about fog, its seems to fit more.
"The fog doesn't end there.
We citizens smoke it too.
Willing let it kill our lungs.
Goodbye to all the sick,
goodbye to all the dead.
The fog wont miss you."
Here, a bit of the same problem.
Line three minor thing but the word "willingly" would flow better in the sentence.
"In the busy city,
the fog is the very air.
We made it, all us.
I dread seeing it all.
Oh the fog, oh the fog.
The fog kills us all."
There is a lack of rhythm here, it reads kind of awkwardly, perhaps due to the word choice, particularly in lines two and three.
"Why do you think,
that in a lot of horror movies,
their is fog in spooky parts?
It's the killer we fail to notice.
It wraps away our common sense,
in a blanket of that blasted fog."
A bit of mystery would have been nicer here, to leave the reader thinking about the fog and again its, "there".
Thanks for the review, it helps a lot c: