*Note- In honor of Christmas, I have decided to post a collection of 14 haikus I wrote that makes up 1 big poem. Each 'stanza' is a haiku. All criticism is welcomed!*
With each passing
of Christmas, I watched as love
displayed it’s presents --
Day 1
My pear tree fell down
and destroyed the partridge that
lived on it’s branches.
Day 2
The turtle doves were
clearly in love until a
storm broke them apart.
Day 3
Three french hens clucked in
pain as a farmer stole their
once lovely feathers.
Day 4
Calling were the birds
but nobody heard their plea
to open their cage.
Day 5
I was a fool to
believe that the golden rings
signified your love.
Day 6
Though I loved the eggs,
the geese often called out in
the middle of night.
Day 7
On the shore I watched
as the current dragged the swans
under the surface.
Day 8
As the maids served milk,
I couldn't help but think that
it tasted sour.
Day 9
In fascination,
you watched the ladies dance with
eyes dark and hooded.
Day 10
Ten funerals to
attend as the lords leaped from
their stools placed by rope.
Day 11
The pipers swapped air
and music for tobacco
and a lighter’s flame.
Day 12
The drummer’s tune beat
harder than any pulse your
love had shown to me.
With each passing night
of Christmas, I watched as love
faded from my life.
(b.m.)
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Jack here for a review.
I am not very good at poems, so give me a break if this review sucks or isn't very helpful, but I just felt like leaving my view on what I thought of your lovely collections of haiku's.
Ok to start of, I liked each small haiku in themselves, they were different, they were sweet at times, and sad in other parts, they were a nice read. But I felt that they really didn't feel that they were all joined in a way, I know you don't have to do that in a collection of poems, but I feel that it would be, one easier to follow. Two it would add a lot more emotion to the story, but I guess that's just something for you do think about, it is really just up to you.
The last haiku was a bit longer than the others, which felt out of place, maybe because it was uneven , but that might just me being weird, maybe make two lines for each haiku instead of cutting down the last, because each one I felt could have been added to, and would have made the poem, that tiny bit better.
Day 7 when you say the swans were dragged under the water by the currents, I just feel that a better word than dragged could have been used, I see you are trying to give the water human characteristic, but maybe there is a better word?
Anyway I liked this, it was short and sweet, and it was a nice change I think to long hard confusing poems, so thankyou for sharing tis with me, I really enjoyed reading your great writing, you should be very proud of yourself.
It is a thumbs up from me!! And always keep writing!
Have a great day!!
Jack
I thought this was brilliant, actually. I love haikus too and the way you've presented them is really interesting. Though, I can't help but think that this could be even stronger if you used free verse instead - the use of haikus might be holding you back. Maybe try it out and see.
The first line - "With each passing" - is only 4 syllables
In the second line - "displayed it’s presents" - should be 'its'. You do this a couple times I think, just remember "its" is possessive, and "it's" mean "it is"
Day 6 is the weakest. I would change it entirely if I were you. Each haiku carries quite a bit of power for such a small form of poetry, but Day 6 just doesn't.
- "As the maids served milk,
I couldn't help but think that
it tasted bitter."
--Maybe consider trying the word "sour". Calling milk bitter just doesn't sound right for some reason.
"you watched the ladies dance"
-This should be 7 syllables but is only 6.
Honestly, a lot of these haikus are brilliant and they work so well together. I think day ten is my favourite. Nice work
Free verse is definitely a passion of mine. Though, I plan on showing people that haikus are a magnificent thing. Thanks for the review!
Hello, SecreteJournalist!
Great job! I've always had a bit of dislike for haikus, but you've introduced them in an exciting way.
I have a few suggestions:
1. Day 8, "As the maids served milk,/I couldn't help but think that/the milk was bitter." is slightly awkward. Maybe think about rephrasing?
2. Day 10, "Ten funerals to/attend as the lords leaped from/their stools perched by rope." Um... what do you mean by 'perched'? This doesn't really seem the best word choice. I still got the idea, though--so just a small edit would be okay.
3. Day 11, "The pipers swapped air/and music for tobacco/and a lighter’s flame." Awesome! Really, really nice wording there.
4. "--With each passing night/of Christmas, I watched as love/turned oblivious." The 'oblivious' is slightly questionable, as is the two dashes at the front.
Overall, excellent job and keep writing!
-IronSpark
Thank you so much for the review ^.^
No problem! You are an excellent writer.