Happy times;
Joyful life of rhymes.
Not a care in the world.
Beating heart;
It was love from the start.
He met her yesterday.
Crazy love;
A fox and a dove.
Opposites attract.
Rumor's out;
Other girls pout.
All are envious of her.
Flirting ladies;
He said to one, 'Maybe'.
She knew he was long gone.
Pointless fight;
Arguments throughout the night.
He broke up with her that evening.
Saddened days;
No one knows what to say.
She walks this world alone.
Taunting words;
She remembers everything she heard.
'Too fat, too smart, too strange.'
Teary eyes;
She believed every lie.
Her mind was in dispare.
Report card;
She tore it, shard by shard.
'Not so smart, am I?'
Faking joy;
Acting like a toy.
She was 'normal' now.
Bleeding arm;
Cuts do so much harm.
The pain isn't enough.
Depressed girl;
Cruel, cruel world.
Life isn't fair.
Many diets;
If it's cheap, she'd try it.
Trying to be mega thin.
Weighing scale;
Her skin is pale.
Still, she's too big.
Bully attack;
There was no going back.
She was anorexic now.
No more food;
Mirrors are too crude.
'Why can't I be thin?'
Hunger pains;
No more weight gain.
A set of twenty four ribs.
Can't sleep;
She can only weep.
She knows it's time.
Raspy breathes;
She was practically dead, more or less.
Already, she's a corpse.
Mutter farewell;
'Life isn't swell'.
Her last words.
Dying fast;
She couldn't last.
By morning she had perished.
Finding her;
The world took conquer.
Her parents were surprised.
Mother laughed;
father fainted than passed.
Two funerals that night.
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Timmy here for a review!
Wow... You really know how to make someone feel castdown and alone, don't you?
Nitpicks
So firstly, I think breathes is supposed to be breaths. Then the second and third line contradict each other. The second is in past tense, and the third is in present.[/quote]
I think that Cirute asked the same questions I have concerning the mother, so I will leave it at that.
Favorite spot and Style
This was definitely a different style of poetry, Brie! I found that it flowed well, and I enjoyed it. I do have one thing to say, though. Why are all of your poetry so sad? Hmm?? How about one with butterflies and fairies once in a while?
This was amazing. Truly. I like when poetry is a story, and this wasn't a disappointment. It flowed well, had amazing imagery, and while it was long, my eyes were riveted to the page. Nice job there!
My favorite part would have to be...
That is all I have for you today! Amazing poem, my teammate! Now go review something!
~Timmyjake
Hey Secrete!
A very saddening poem here, sadly a real issue to. I liked your interesting style of the 3 line stanza to create a simplistic structure while also including some nice imagery! I also notice that you gradually increase how sad it is and how bad things are getting; an interesting feature.
The line I found to be most effective was:
The imagery of "Already, she's a corpse" is very powerful.
Just a few nitpicks:
One, I didn't really understand why the mother laughed, you didn't really show either the mum or dad to be mean earlier on.
Also, "father fainted than passed". I think you meant "then" but I also think "and" works too.
Overall, very powerful poem! I respect that you chose to write about this delicate topic.
-Remember the Frozen Reviewers.
Hi Secrete!
From what I read at the beginning to the end, well I really wasn't expecting that! What started off as like a happy love story turned into something really dark and emotive- it was really unexpected which in terms of poetry is good because well nobody likes something predictable. I thought at times your imagery was really good, and generally, the flow of it worked really well.
Here are my suggestions:
-Firstly, from this I can see you're a really writer, and one who perhaps doesn't have to rely on the rhyming? I think it was a good technique, but I'm not quite sure if it really fit the poem and at times the rhythm was out of place because you were trying to put too many words in the line. For example:
These two stanzas rhythmically seemed a bit out of place, so I'm not saying cut words out, but put more in and perhaps not follow this rhyme scheme! I mean, it's totally up to you, but I think it would benefit this loads because then you could fit more in and just do more with it really.
-Imagery! There is some, for example, 'shard by shard' was really good. However I think there could be more. Maybe focus less on telling the story, and more about describing it, using more adjective and metaphors and similes. I probably sound like a really annoying English teacher right now or something, but I think it would really help! What you've got so far i great, but some more description would really bring this whole thing together. Something to think about.
-My last small-ish point is, I personally wasn't too fond of the structure. This kind of links to the flow, but the repetitive punctuation seemed a bit tedious to me. I think you can really just break free from all of that, and write and describe! The repetition makes me feel like all the stanzas are the same when they're really not.
Overall, I really liked this! The drastic change from the beginning to the end was unexpected, but great. You're really good at writing emotively. Next steps would be maybe think less about the rhyming and a perfect flow, and use some more imagery. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
Hi there
I really like the style and flow of this poem. It took me a little bit to get used to pattern, but once I was used to it I loved it.
This is really sad. Cirute mentioned the same two questions I had, but I would like to reiterate one of them...
Why on earth did her mother laugh? Is she psychotic? Did she just not care? Is that how she had to deal with it?
The last stanza was a bit of a letdown for me. The poem was great up until that point, but if you had ended it differently, I would have liked it even more.
Keep writing!
~WallFlower
Hi, SJ, Cirute here to review!
I'm going to look at this from a technical standpoint before diving into the meat of the poem. From what I can tell, the poem is technically sound. There were really no grammatical/spelling errors that I found. The flow was good. I kinda liked the rhyming style you used, it was different and pretty darn interesting. I'll be the first to say it, it takes real skill to write a really good rhyme, and you seem to have it here. Having the first two lines of a stanza rhyme, but not the third, is a quite a good skill to have. Maintaining this rhyme for as long of a poem as this is; incredible, to say the least.
Now, on to the "meat" of the poem. By meat, I mean the real meaning/message/story this is telling. I'll be honest here, I've read a LOT of poems about depression and/or suicide on this site, and I mean a lot. I don't know if it's just the teen culture or what, but that seems to be "the big thing" these days. There were some parts of this where you branched out from this, but really, to me, the whole thing seemed rather cliche. Girl falls in love, gets dumped, feels rejected, becomes depressed, ect. We've heard it all before. Not saying that suicide and depression are not important things that we need to address, I'm just saying that I feel this poem needs something more in order to branch out from the great sea of depressed teen poems.
Besides that, I also have several unanswered questions regarding the poem. Why did her mother laugh? Why didn't her parents/friends do something earlier? These are just two of the many questions I felt arising in the back of my mind as I was reading this. Details are of the utmost importance when writing, and I really found a lack of details regarding this. I would suggest trying to fill these plot holes, as well as trying to... set this poem apart from all the other depressed teem poems out there. You certainly have the skill to do so.
Again, these are just my opinions, so don't take them all too seriously. This is still quite a good poem from a technical standpoint, so good work and keep writing! Hope this helps,
~Cirute