i.
You yank my pigtails
then kiss my lips. "They call this
love," you had told me.
ii.
And like the children's
song, you and me kissed while we
sat in a big tree.
iii.
Your lips were slathered
in sparkly grape chap stick,
and mine in citrus.
iv.
"Get away from me."
I cried in horror, silenced
by your forceful kiss.
v.
Our tongues met halfway,
playing with the fire that sparked
both our sensations.
vi.
The bottle swung in
my direction, your eyes then
gazing at my lips.
vii.
We cuddled under
the primary school slide, where
our lips did collide.
viii.
The crack along the
window of your truck leaked with
rain while our tongues danced.
ix.
My eyes filled with tears.
You opened your arms to me-
I kissed you instead.
x.
Underneath a sky
of twinkling constellations,
we created sparks.
xi.
As Luke Skywalker
lost a hand, you grabbed my own
and kissed me quickly.
xii.
In one night, my skin
was decorated in hickey's
left hidden from sight.
xiii.
Less clothing and more
intensity set ablaze
a deep desire.
xiv.
With you, I lost count.
Your kiss is imprinted in
my mind forever.
xv.
And I swear I will
never regret the way your
kiss left me breathless.
xvi.
Today you hugged me,
turning my chin so our lips
could be introduced.
(b.m.)
*Note- This poem is partially derived from an amazing article I recommend anyone reading: http://www.artparasites.com/a-haiku-for-every-guy-... . And have I been kissed more? Probably. But these are the ones that stick out. Please be as critical as possible, for any and all comments and suggestions are welcomed.*
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello.
This is a nice poem you have here. What I find particularly clever is they're structured in such a way it could almost be the same guy and it feels coming of age. I most certainly hope this was intentional, because if you were going for individual little snippets then that doesn't come across very often if at all. There are pros and cons of each, but right now I'm really liking the disconnected story feel you have.
A typo: "Hickey's" should be "hickeies"
A rhyming bump in vii: slide/collide. Even though they're not at the end of the lines, exactly, they're right on top of each other and made me assume a rhyme and did throw me out of the flow of the poem.
I'm a little torn on the content. "Our tongues danced" feels forced and a tad repetitive, even though the word/general terminology is only used twice. I think it's because that stanza is one of the weakest, flow-wise, and already was difficult for me to go along with.
You have some very lovely stanzas but others you seem confined by the "short long short" format, and eventually you toss it all together for something that isn't truly a haiku but instead three line stanzas that tell a story. I feel you gained a lot more freedom when you changed the format, but said format change was fairly sudden (with stanza viii) and leaves the poem a little disconnected.
Overall, I'm not quite sure what to say. You've managed to stitch micro-stories together so they turn into one long narrative, and it's nice to see those snippets of progression in character from innocent to far more sensual. I would mostly watch out for the sudden change in style, because your weakest stanzas are right around viii, when you decide to go from haiku, to haiku-like, to three line stanzas. Polish up the formatting so it's a little more consistent, and I think you'll get rid of the weakness.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Your poem is one that I look for on here. Your use of objects in relation to feelings and touch was a brilliant addition to the poem, especially the use of
I could imagine the feeling of the chap stick and it really conveyed the kiss. I only have a few things to review and all of them are more personal, what I would do, so you can just ignore it if you would like to.
I would add a comma after the dialogue because when you read the poem out, you instinctively pause and I feel it would let the dialogue sink in for the reader.
After the word we, I think you have a double space. This is the last thing I had to review and I just wanted to let you know that your use of descriptive words carried the poem beautifully and you are a wonderful writer.
Thank you so much for the review! It means a lot.