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Young Writers Society



Drowning; Sinking.

by SecreteJournalist


It's that feeling I have,
it won't disappear.
Drowning, sinking.

I want to come up for air,
why drown me like so?
Drowning, sinking.

Is it really my fault?
I guess I deserve it.
Drowning, sinking.

Just the other day,
that's when this started.
Drowning, sinking.

Ironically enough,
you have left me breathless.
Drowning, sinking.

You said you liked the stars?
I'm seeing them now.
Drowning, sinking.

It's cold, dying is.
I see a light though.
Drowning, sinking.

Goodbye... I'll miss you.
The light calls to me.
Drowning, sinking.

Just when I think I am going to heaven,
I see the flames of Hell.
Drowning, sinking.

Hell puts me in the flames, no water.

Why can't torture me now?

Save me, I don't like it here.

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67 Reviews

Points: 2314
Reviews: 67

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Sun Nov 24, 2013 5:04 am
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AlfonsoFernandez wrote a review...



Hello, here for a review.

This was a very nice poem. I think the fact that you kind of interrupt the story with "Drowning, sinking." every time makes the flow of the story need to go even faster, or at least, that's what happened to me. I like the fact that you changed the ending in italics in the end, so that you're not drowning and sinking anymore then. Also, I like the irony (whether you did it or not on purpose) that the whole time you are drowning and sinking, which usually happens in water, but in the end there is no water to save you from the flames of Hell.

Just the other day,
that's when this started


Here you left us with the suspense of not knowing what happened, and I think it would be nice to know what actually did happen for you to have such a fate.

There aren't really any errors here. It's impeccable.

Congratulations, and as always, keep writing.

-AlfonsoFernandez, member of the Apple Dumpling Gang




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17 Reviews

Points: 192
Reviews: 17

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Sun Nov 24, 2013 3:07 am
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Yuka wrote a review...



Hello!
I like this poem very much!. I can imagine the feeling and since this happened to me when i was younger, i can somewhat relate to this. But this can also mean not drowning on water but drowning from maybe the people around you or maybe suffocating because of problems.
Anyways, for me there is no problem here at all.
Keep up the good work!





Just think happy thoughts and you'll fly.
— Peter Pan