Young Writers Society

Hey there, Journalist! Okay, so I'm a harsh critic of poetry, so if I come off as being picky, it's nothing personal.

This poem is very straightforward, and while that can sometimes work as an approach, I think that this failed to be blunt and instead managed only to be somewhat rambly and conversational. It felt more like a journal entry than a work of poetry.

I think it's hard to call suicide "selfish," seeing as depression is a very real condition that affects people at a neurological level (I was diagnosed with depression at the age of four - far before I had any actual reason to be depressed....it was caused by a natural lack of dopamine. I was never suicidal, but I can at least understand where people are coming from). However, I also understand the frustration and difficulty that comes with dealing with suicidal thoughts and actions, and for those who are on the outside looking in, it is a very painful experience. I think, however, it would be wise to take a more open-minded angle when looking at the subject.

You compare it to a lot of other ways to die and everything, and to be honest, it feels like you're rambling a bit. You're biting off more than you can chew, and you need to really take this topic on from a more internal perspective or find a way to make it easier to swallow. A certain level of consistency is lacking here. You've got too much on your plate, so narrow your topic, perhaps?

I'd also advise finding ways to improve the imagery, and look at it from a more artistic perspective. Your word choice is pretty dull, and you're lacking a stable concept.

Keep working on this idea and I think that this poem may have a lot of potential. Just make sure to narrow your concept and keep molding your ideas.

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

I like this piece a lot. Writing about a subject like this is pretty difficult since everyone has there own opinion about suicide and death.

I felt it was more of a short story then a poem, I don't know if its just me or what but it seems like it could be a short story instead of a poem. I think the reason it seems like a short story is because there's no real rhythm or pattern that's consistent.

What would really improve your poem a lot is adding a consistent structure and really focusing on one topic. When you first read the poem its discussing deaths and then it changes to suicide, I think you should just focus on suicide or on society. Focusing on too many topics in a poem just makes the reader confused on what the main topic is and also leaves the topic unclear to the reader. So be careful on that.

There are a few punctuation and grammar errors. Remember to place commas, etc. Also remember if your writing in the past tense keep it that way, keep the tense consistent because it will overall improve the poem.

Other then that I think you're a great writer! With some adjustments this poem will be amazing. Overall I really liked it, so keep up the good work!

I like this piece but still its not fair to say people that kill them selves are selfish its their life that they are taking away and it's not up to anyone to judge them their family can be sad all they want but it was their decision anyways you do have an awesome point that was made

Despite the spelling and punctuation errors that were fixed previously, I quite liked this. However, I feel that it is more of a short story than a poem. Maybe it is just me, but as I read it to myself, it sounded more like spoken word than written stanzas. I love the topic, though, and the rebellion against society's twisted views. Keep writing!
- Kelsey

I love the title. Is it a reference to Phineas and Ferb? That's what I thought of.
Your spelling is just a little off in three little places: 1. Society's twisted (It's just an apostrophe, not a big deal), 2. Miscarriage, and 3. It's (another apostrophe, I hate those little things). Other than that, I love the feeling this poem evokes.

This is a very strong topic to write about. My suggestion would be to center your poem on this one central topic; therefore, change/tweak your introduction. Your first two stanzas are great, it's the third one that concerns me, where you talk about all the ways that might cause a death. Try not to stray from the path of your poem.

Your poem would also benefit from having more of a pattern, or rhythm. To make this easier, I sometimes find that incorporating a rhyme to your poem can do wonders for this, until you get the hang of it.

Punctuation is also kind of an issue here- don't forget to use commas, apostrophes, and go over your spelling-you have a few typos!

Another suggestion would be to keep your tenses consistent. For example, the beginning of your poem starts in present tense, but once in a while, it'll mention past tense; thus, disrupting the flow of your poem.

I like the general theme. In order to make it stronger, try to incorporate more feelings and imagery instead of stating facts. That will pull your reader in more strongly as well as adding more emotion.

Good work!

Get away from the twisted society. Suicide?
I find this in a straight line
This, to me, is dark just like everything else I read.
I do like it. You said something I can't say, even though I wrote about a guy pooping in public
The people who commit suicide are selfish.
"No one thinks about me!"
Just because one person treats you horribly
Doesnt mean you treat your family like that
" I got punched in the face at school. Time to sucker punch my grandma"
Im not saying this about you, but the people who committed suicide.
Overall, good poem
7.6/10