It started out strange,
freight trains are heard.
I feel the breeze,
feel the intensity.
Rumbling, shaking, cracking.
My house is taking a hit.
It's struck,
it's inside!
Right before my eyes,
is that blackened beast.
Closer, closer still.
I'm lifted from my place
of very solitude.
Now all I see is black.
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Okay, SecreteJournalist, wish me luck with this review! It's about 3:30 in the morning here and I just got back from watching "Catching Fire" and then an after-party at a friends house. I'm exhausted, so forgive me if I say something wrong.
I like the first stanza. It clearly states in simple sentences what is going on from the point of the narrator. But really, unless you've experienced a tornado or hurricane, it's a bit hard to bring up the mental images this poem [italics]should[/italics] bring to the reader. I didn't get any images, except for a really weird one, but it's probably because I'm just so tired. In my mind I saw a cute perfect little house sitting up on a hill. Then freight trains go by up above, no tracks, just floating, making really loud noises. Then the house shakes and cracks in two. Then the dark shadow from Robert Munsch's book, "The Dark" went inside the broken house and ate a chair.... Learn more about the book here: http://robertmunsch.com/book/the-dark
As you can see, in a muddle, messed-up, and tired mind like mine, anything can happen.
This poem has limited imagery, so I wasn't able to picture the ferocity or the anger from the tornado/hurricane. Talk more about the noise, how it shook your brain inside your head, or rattled the plates stacked neatly in the cupboard. Write about how the house trembled in the wind and jolted with the force of the storm.
This poem has so much potential, but it doesn't seem very full-fulling right now. It can become something that can teach people about the horrors of living through a natural disaster.
If you change anything, send me a PM. I'd love to take another look at this when my mind is functioning properly, and after a few hours of sleep.
Happy Review Day!
Hi, SecreteJournalist! I have arrived at your doorstep to review "Beast". Prepare your shields of such ordinary paper.
The second line feels forced. For what reason should it be inside of the stanza? >.> Meep. Need some help here.
I love this stanza. It shows suspense, and at first, you think that it's nothing more than the weather, like a lightning strike hitting the house or a bomb around the area exploding. Something like that. Something different from an alive beast.
Ah, this is the problem child. The last three stanzas are completely off from a real life situation. If I were to be the protagonist, I would leap up in the air, and run. Instead, the protagonist stays there WAITING TO BE EATEN. If you ask me, the protagonist deserves to be eaten by such terrible instincts. USE THESE USEFUL INSTINCTS.
Don't leave it like this. Add another stanza. Something like this -
I didn't put much thought to it, and you could, of course, definitely improve the stanza, though the point has been given.
Not only that, with five stanzas the amount of lines for each stanza feels uneven, and it breaks a lot of flow an rhythm. Normally, I reserve those lines marking the most important, first, or last. Even so, they usually have like 1 line just for them.
Another thing. The last two lines don't make me happy. EXPLAIN MORE. What makes it so bad? Why?
This is a professional's work.
Now that I read it over again, these are my thoughts.
That is what I think however.
All in all, you just needed to add more effort, and then it would perfect or close to perfect. Effort and USE THAT POTENTIAL!
Keep writing!
~Kitty