I'm just an typical girl
with a innocent dream.
If only my broken wings
could help me fly away.
Until then, I'm trapped.
A broken girl,
broken wings.
No more smiling,
no more dreams.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
That is very good. I love your poems SecreteJournalist.
Hey SecreteJournalist,
Short, simple and sweet is the name of the game with this poem. There's nothing really to critique with what you've got here. However, I think you have quite a possibility to go on a bit further. The tone of the ending makes us feel like being "stuck here" is a terrible circumstance. If you were to elaborate on that more as to why that's terrible when most of us are bound to this Earth it would really kick your poem up a notch.
Another direction you could go is describe more about this girl. She's just a girl yet she believes she should be able to fly away with her dream. Her dream must be light indeed to give her such power. Yet she can't fly which hints that her dream is flawed. Describing that dream would be another great way to lengthen your sweet poem. When you grab an M&M do you ever just grab just one? Of course not because they're great.You write very sweet down to earth poetry, but give us more than one chocolate if you please?
Best Regards,
Meddle
Short, sweet, and to the point. Not much to review is my only complaint because I can't find anything wrong with it.
Hi SJ, a short review on your wonderful poem here.
Firstly, I could feel the deep impact of this short poem. I believe the the last line is more prominent than the previous lines.
A good start to describe the dream of a girl. All people also have it. However, what is written is too easy, it is not enough to impress the reader. This text is commonly heard in the lyrics of a song, etc. It desirable if you can try a fresh new word with the impact and the more creative ideas. It not only appears particularly exciting but also will show an impressive level of thinking.
The situation is the same with the next verse. Even though I see the idea you're trying to point out here, it becomes less effective with metaphors that are commonly used. It seems to have been a cliche.
However, it will be a space to scrutiny the strength of our own poems and learn to enhance the effect of the poem. Write a short poem is certainly quite difficult to do if the effect we wish to be given to the reader is not be like what we want..
Again, I like the idea(even given with no solution). A bit improvement may be worth it to do.
Keep writing!
Kudos, cheers.
I really appreciate this poem! I'm a sucker for free verse (my writing style of choice), and I think the simplicity of this poem really helped me to relate to how you're feeling. I think we all have those moments where we just want to escape from reality around us, and fly freely above everyone else to get time for ourselves, but we can't always because of some sort of limitation or other preventing us from achieving where we want to go.
I actually wouldn't mind seeing this poem expanded more, but I enjoy it just like this.
As a note, to help put emphasis on the free verse, I would personally change the poem so that it reads as:
"I want to fly away,
but I have
a broken wing.
So now, I'm stuck
here."
But of course, it's up to you how you want to space your free verse poem, I just think putting a little more emphasis on "broken wing" and "here" would further help to dramatize the poem, although it isn't necessary.
It's a lovely piece - keep writing!