*Note- This is kind of a take on a strange photo I found online. Is it strange enough? :3 *
Young little girl, come sing us a tune.
The town is in pieces,
and you're still in your room.
Where is the girl with the
magical voice?
Well, it's harder to sing
when death was your choice.
Young little girl, play us a song.
No one told you
that suicide was wrong.
Where is the girl with the
bright happy eyes?
Well, it's hard to be happy
when her life was full of lies.
Young little girl, dance with us, please!
You already had practice for you're dancing
with a rope in the window's breeze.
Where is the girl who dances
and sways?
Well, it's hard to dance when
her life had been ended for days.
Young little girl, we will miss you so.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Great job with this. I didn't plan on commenting because I thought you did a fantastic job, (and I still do :p ) here's why I actually did: at the ending, I didn't like how you changed the singing theme. Maybe replace "we will miss you so" to "we will sing as you go" or "we will hum you goodbye." I don't know, but definitely go back to a line that relates to singing.
Great job otherwise,
Percybeth
Hi! there SecreteJournalist
..
Yeah, I did find it a bit strange but towards the end my thoughts had been clarified. I must say, that your punctuations were well-placed; giving your readers time for pauses to feel the emotion that flows through it. Thus, I pretty much like the rhyming in your poem because it sounded like lyrics of a song when I read it quite loud, enough for me to hear my voice. I like how you've written the whole poem.
Nice work..
Keep writing
This is a very good poem which I can relate to. I have a sister even though she isn't little she a wonderful voice and really admire it so I totally understand. this a very sad poem showing us about how a girl can be so innocent just doing her business thinking that she is very happy and then the next minute is thinking about coming suicide or killing herself in a number of ways. I really like the way you wrote this piece. It is very heart warming. Well done. Keep up the good work.
Hey there Kat here to write a review for you and Reviewlution on this lovely review day!
Wow this was sad.. I don't want to see the picture. Even though it sounds like I mean it in a bad way, I love the way you described suicide. suicide is wrong because it hurts the people we love. And the way you took the innocence of the girl and made this kind of an ironic poem instead of a tragic one I felt helped the message get across better. I know it will stick with me for quite awhile. I could easily tell what you were trying to say because the flow and rhythm did not take away from the poems meaning at all. She obviously thought she had a painful life and hung herself. People miss her and wish she was there to make them happy and sing and for the writer, it is very sad but not really real to them yet . Reality hasn't sunken in because of their mad hysteria as their world slowly falls apart from her death. Nice job I just loved this a lot and the tragedy of it was well displayed. Just painfully beautiful in everyway and I hope you write more. Keep it up!
~Kat