*Note - It needs work. But I thought I'd get feedback now to help guide my additions and corrections, and then re-request reviews after I've made a final draft. All criticism is welcomed, please and thank you.*
the moon is starving
for the colors of eyes
staring up at it longingly,
lost to by those who
bend their necks down
to look at a glowing phone screen
with only
3 hours
45 minutes,
and 18 seconds
of battery life remaining
before they must sit around
an outlet and wait patiently
for the finger-smudged screen
from continuous use to light up
once more
instead of gazing up
towards at the moon
and all of it's twinkling companions
which danced across the sky
for an eternity not capable
for humans to count upon
text savvy fingers-
humans no longer able
to reflect upon life choices
and guide their way
to a paradise yet unknown
lit by the gleaming north star
-electricity pulsing and sucking
the innocence and curiosity
of humans and pushing it out
as thick black clouds that block
the moon from it's once
eternal view of the land that
stretched across an earth that
used to strive and blossom.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hey dear !
. Loved your penning and your idea and thinking that I should also write something on... you'll get to read soon
So you want a review. Okey !
Ummmmm but there are very few punctuation mistake or in capitalization at some places of some words. Otherwise I dont find any more critic or anything.
I simply love the idea of your penning . The way you carved your thoughts and penned them relating moon to light or a phone screen nowadays is outstanding. I mean yes! I too agree that now even moon is not getting attention
Keep up the marvelous penning. Blessings!
Hello SecreteJournalist! Cakerissa here to review!
Just so you know, I'm on my tablet right now, so there may be a few grammar mistakes in here. I like how you chose a topic that isn't in poems very often. How kids (or anyone, really) spend too much time on their electronics to see all the great nature around them. I myself struggle from this problem. One thing I didn't like was that you said,
3 hours
45 minutes,
And 18 hours
For some reason it bugged me that they weren't all on the same line. You don't have to change this, I don't want to mae you feel boxed in. Another thing, on the third and second to last line, you have the word that on the end. On the eigth to last line, you have a dash at the beggining of the line and not the end of the last one. I just wanted to make sure you knew this.
Keep writing!
Cakerissa
Hi.
I love this. May I guess that this is the foundation of your poem, yes?
The ideas in your are very beautiful and unbiased. It is logical in a way and the juxtaposition between the two contradicting points, the moon and the phone, is an interesting way of thinking. I don't think I could continue reviewing your poem in a wholly way because your poem is, to be frank, madly formatted. Wait... I'm deeply sorry. Your format is acceptable, but your flow is not quite linear enough. I think the main problem is punctuation. So as I counted one by one, there are only about 5 punctuation that indicated pausing. I could not fathom on how one can recite this poem. Think them as your readers' guidelines; without them, we would be lost in this poetic maze (or confused by these run-on sentences (._.)
Next, I actually prefer to comment specifically on particular parts like a stanza after another, but you don't have stanza in the poem and I will try my best to separate one point after another.
I
A personification, I see. So now, the moon lacks attention because of an attention-stealer named phone. The concept is concrete, but I don't think your diction here suited. Looking at it much deeper (or interpreting it much deeper), "the colors of eyes" is the food for the "starving moon". Can you see it now? To me, "the colors of eyes" is a vague method of explaining the "starving moon's" food. Or instead, you can change the "starving moon" into another realistic personification.
II
I like how you stated the battery life--realistic!--or it supposedly to be realistic which I quite not resonate with it. And I have a comment on it: I imagine that your poem is a huge chunks of word that no one cares to read through it because it is a not good orderly work. Don't falter because you can do this editing very nicely if you try to cut some unnecessary words which I think there are many to choose from (I would not point them as it could be only my useless editor part of my brain.) Back on the track, "an outlet" is not quite the right; it should be "the outlet" because you-know-why-coz-you-might-already-learn-it-at-school-or-anywhere-else. I find "from continous use to light up/once more" is not vividly enough from a bold prospect. My suggestion, just be blunt because that's what poetry to me.
III
Back on what I've told you in the end of my first big paragraph--run on. I'm highly confused by this "instead". Is it continue from the earlier line (still in a sentence) or the opposition? Both of the choices I've given would resulted in a much different interpretation. Plus, there is a small mistake (and still a run-on sentence problem) on "...for an eternity not capable/for human to count upon..." I think there must be like a stop there between "eternity" and "not capable". Continue with imagery, it is good and interesting, but back on what I've told you on II, a huge chunks of words. You're (over)using words to make an imagery. It is a skill--a great skill--and personally, I don't have this skill. There is a right time for the right thing.
IV
Is this italicized lines a fragment--or have the whole poem been one? Well, these lines are better off being called as fragment because there is no verb in it--"able" is not a verb. Sorry for the nitpick and watch out for run-on sentence in it too. If you, however, still don't want to use punctuation, it is better to silently end up the sentence at the ending of a line. However, better doesn't repair a wrong. There is still enjambment to worry about though. In this group of lines, I like the tautology in it and being italicized makes a great effect on it, showing a bolder (or a sarcasm) expression.
I don't think I have the time to comment on the last part. I'm so sorry for that. I want to focus here are punctuation, to lessen the huge chunk of words and to improve on your diction.
Keep writing~!
~Memo
This is really beautiful in its own way. I love how you relate everything to light- the moon's light, the light of a phone screen, ect. This provides a good secondary theme to your poem.
Now some criticizing: You have no capital letters anywhere ( but that may be your own certain style and if it is then ignore this). In line 5 you use the word 'yearn' which means to have an intense feeling of longing, which doesn't quite fit with what you seem to be trying to say, a better word might be "crane", "stoop", or "dip". You need a hyphen between finger and smudged.
Other than those few things and probably a few I missed, it's pretty good and will be even better in the final copy.
Good luck with finishing it up and to all your other pieces of writing!
My writing style pushes the limits of poetic licence, hence, no capitalization. It, personally, makes poetry more raw and real and much more like the thoughts on my head. Thanks for the review!