His lips were red,
his eyes were black.
I kissed goodbye innocence.
Solemnly I swore never to look back.
His words were sweet,
his mind was wild.
No longer was I
an innocent child.
He wore a dark sweatshirt
with gray jeans to match.
My heart was his first
victim to snatch.
His hands were bloodied,
my heart was nearly dead.
I lay trapped beneath
a cloud of sorrow in my bed.
His laughter was horrid;
a cackle from a man so mean.
I woke up each night shuddering
from yet another bad dream.
His words struck colors,
blues for the woes in life.
Red to remind me I'm a 'hoe'.
Black because I once
decided to never look back.
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139,495 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin on how you had me hooked on the first stanza of this poem (you used a amazing hook, some would say). Also how red and black symbols make the poem wondrous and move along nice and neatly.
I enjoyed the end rhymes throughout this poem since it gave a great feeling and gives a great tone to the whole poem as well.. When i read a poem, i try to point out the main keypoints that are good and bad , usually i start out by giving the bad parts but since I really don't see that much mistakes/improvement to this poem, I'm just going to go into the good things about this poem.
blue for the woes in life
red to remind me i'm a "hoe"
black because I one decided to never look back I liked this little chunk since you are telling the reader what the color symbolize in this poem. (poems that try to do this style, never use it the correct and i enjoy poems that do it this way.)
a cloud of sorrow in my bed I think you are describing how you feel in bed after you see him and how you are afraid of him.
Also I like to point out that i think that "him" is the flaws that you hold within yourself. Or maybe a boyfriend that never wants to leave you alone, and follows you wherever you might go.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Thanks for the review!
Hello!
I’m here for a review on this beautiful review day!
Go Read All Over!
Mmkay, anyways.
For some reason I thought I already reviewed this, guess not, okay, anyways, I really like this poem. I like most of your poems though so no surprise there! Haha. I love the imagery your poem shows and how descriptive it is! It’s just magnificently beautiful! You have good puncutation in this also and flows nicely. You get a ten out of ten!
Love,
Sarai
P.S. This is going to take forever...
Impressive. As I read this it was easy to tell what this poem was about. Fairly obvious but still never expressly said. The dark imagery was powerful but what was even better was the emotion that came out of that imagery. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has commented on the use of colour throughout but I love, love, loved that as well.
If I look at many more poems like this I may be converted (I am more of a novelist if you care to have a look).
Great Job!!
Hope I helped (I am reasonably new at this)
Great job secretejournalist, I love it. My favorite parts about this is.........
Anyways nothing really to nag on. Great job keep it up.
-pickles
Mitchel and Sarai here for a review (I need points).
Let's see.... I like the ending because you actually described the colors that you're being struck by. Also, when you said "a cackle from man so mean." I liked the picture I got from it. The mood I get from this is bothered if that's the mode you're trying to set.
Keep up the good work,
Mitchel & Sarai
P.S. This is Sarai, I really didn't help XD
Hey there. Greg here to review you wonderful poem. I really liked it very much. It was strong and neatly written. on the whole i just thought it was a brilliant piece of work.
"My heart was his fist"
You should change that to 'first'. Might have been an error you hadn't noticed.
"an cackle from a man so mean."
It should be 'a' instead of 'an'.
"I wake each night shuddering"
I think you could use 'woke' as your whole poem is in the past tense.
Other than these tiny nitpicks i think your poem was amazing. Keep up the good job and keep writing.
Cheers Greg