He calls to me every night.
Puts images in my mind,
while all I want to do is sleep.
Why me?
But every night, when I sleep,
I listen to his commands.
No one knows of him,
no one but me.
He want's it that way.
I don't want to displease him.
The punishments are brutal.
I must obey.
Usually he praises me.
I like to please him.
But one, I almost exposed him,
the punishment that follows still haunts me.
Oh, did it hurt.
I'm now terrified to displease him.
Some people come close to finding out.
I dread the day someone does.
He dreads it too.
No more punishment, please.
Why did he choose me?
Oh, the devil in my dreams.
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Hi, Buzz here to review your poem
Well, I like the conflicting theme of a dream that is really a nightmare, with the devil controlling it, it's very morbid and dark slightly disturbing but that's all good since that's what you're going for I presume. However there is always room for improvements.
I'll go by stanza by stanza.
"He calls to me every night.
Puts images in my mind,
while all I want to do is sleep.
Why me?
But every night, when I sleep,
I listen to his commands."
I have some suggestions of word choice that may enhance the thrilling atmosphere.
Instead of "puts" how about "inserts" it feels more uncontrollable.
Third line, "While" should be "when".
Last line, instead of "listen" which is fine, perhaps "submit" because it seems then, that you're inferior and filled with fear.
"No one knows of him,
no one but me.
He want's it that way.
I don't want to displease him.
The punishments are brutal.
I must obey."
Second line, maybe "no one, except me" just a minor nit pick though.
The third line is a bit awkward, maybe, "He choose it that way" ?
The rest is good.
"Usually he praises me.
I like to please him.
But one, I almost exposed him,
the punishment that follows still haunts me.
Oh, did it hurt.
I'm now terrified to displease him."
Fourth line should be in past tense, "followed"
You've repeated the word, "displease" so try using a different word, along the same lines.
Overall a good poem , I hope I was of help to you.
-Buzz
Hello! I have arrived to give you a sweet review! (or I'll try anyway...)
Nitpicks:
Let me begin, stanza to stanza.
Spoiler
2nd stanza, 3rd line. There should be no apostrophe.
The second line seems like it's only continuing what was being written. It's like an incomplete sentence.
Also, I realize that once I finished reading this stanza, it felt like the stanza just ended in the middle. Perhaps you should have split it somewhere else.
The last three lines felt a bit like they don't flow very well. Maybe replacing "the" in the 5th line should be replaced with "though". Then the last line could also be fixed. This is only a suggestion, but it should probably have "but" in the beginning. That should fix it!
During the third line, maybe "follow" should be past tense. It happened in the past after all.
Then cut the line between follows and still?
Hah! I love the ending. After all, there truly was not devil, but in the dreams there was one. Bravo! *throws confetti everywhere* Wonderful! I cannot praise you enough.
This really shows some potential. You have enough yourself, looking at how much poetry you wrote.
Great job!
Keep writing!
:3 Thanks for the review, I shall fix all the the wee mistakes that are riddled throughout my daily poem xD
Hello, I'm here to review for you.
I personally really like this poem, it's definitely one of my favourites on here.
Flow
When I read this aloud, it flows good, and nothing is awkward for me. Well done!
Vocabulary
Your word choices are relatively well-chosen, though there are a couple of places where I think you could have put something different. For example:
I really think you should have a substitute for the second "sleep". Maybe "slumber"? But then you'd have to re-work that line, it's entirely your choice.
This isn't exactly vocabulary, but it's related to words.
Here, where you say this:
I think this will probably sound better if you switched "now" and "terrified" around.
Grammar
I see only one issue here, so congratulations.
"Want's" should be "wants".
I see no other flaws, and this is a very good, well crafted poem. I love the meaning behind it, and the questions of the person. Very realistic.
Well done!
Thanks for the review