Foolish Memories

Whoa, what a powerful piece. It gave me shivers. Not in awe or amazement, although you are a very talented writer...but in the underlying horror of the whole situation.

What gives this poem power is its brutal honesty. You artfully depicted the switch from childish innocence to the the sudden realization of victimization, which fades to escape and unconsciousness. It's a terrifying experience and no child should have to go through it. Thank you for eloquently expressing such a dark memory, and being the voice of many children that don't have one.

I just want to hug your little person self and tell her that she is a hero. She shouldn't have to had gone on such an horrible adventure but she survived it, which makes her a fighter. The bad monster didn't tear you down.

So instead, let me virtually hug you in congratulation on a poem well done. You're a true writer, someone who takes bad experiences and shapes them into something truthful and influential on the page. Here is a list of my favorite things about the technique of this poem.

1: I liked your use of repetition. For example, using the word pathetic several times we got a glimpse of the speaker's vulnerability and disappointment. The child felt her heart was pathetic at the start of the poem, saw something pathetic in the man's own self (or perhaps was she just seeing the mirror image of herself?), and when the man betrays her and hurts her, she is reduced to feeling like a pathetic fool. This constancy throughout the poem shows the themes of continued hopelessness and her forlorn heart. In a poem with a lot of changing emotions, that feeling stays the same. The poem ends and begins in loneliness.

2: I liked your "hero" imagery. You took the reader back to what it feel like to be an imaginative, hopeful child. The child's sword is embedded in hope, her shield is held up high. The naivety of the character is realistic and any reader who was a child before (everyone) relates. The ambition of the beginning contrasts the loss of it by end. Through your words they remember what it is like to be an innocent, and the sudden realization that the world isn't a storybook. Whether it was gradual or sudden like in your poem, it's a tragic experience.

3. Lastly, I liked your diction. Your word choice is very good, it's not there to show off, but it is upfront and truthful, just like your poem. The word choice you used wasn't too graphic, which is tasteful but the horror was evident. Animal groans and the blood on the ground were particularly unsettling, the words represented the wrongness. Also the words you used in each stanza reflected where the child was mentally. You used words like hope and shine in the start, but then used fuck up and bastard afterwards. The loss of childhood was evident.

I could keep writing a lot longer actually, all praise! I couldn't find anything wrong. Except of course, the overall wrongness of the whole situation in general.

I think the journalist part of your name suits you, your straightforward way of writing is evident even in your poetry. You took realistic poetry to a whole new level.

HUGS & HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Oh my goodness, your poem is awesome I like how it caught my attention and how while reading it, it kinda felt like i was there in a sense. Was this something that happened to you in real life? I feel like i know what it's talking about but I'm not quite sure.

Bonjour:D Dragon here, posting a review, of course. Well I must say this poem was, interesting. Let's begin, shall we?
Lonesomeness sinks into my (there should be no space between these sentences, it fells to awkward because my mind immediately fills it in with 'heart'. Lonesomeness sinks into my pathetic, tattered heart)

A splash of hope fills

the my void of darkness. (more descreption my make this sentences better? and you said ' the my, chose one:) )


(He) Says his friend is hurt,

I'll help him now, ( this line confused me the most, how will she (I'm assuming) help this mans friend? Is he physically hurt or mentally? I'm quite lost)

Seems like he's as tattered
and pathetic as my heart. (I think this could be reworded as: seems like his heart is as tattered and broken as mine.)

I follow this man, (what do you mean?)

ready to fight the hurt. (what hurt?)

He's tricked me! (but how did he trick her? I understand what happens in the next few lines but I'm lost at how we got there?)

I've been made a fool.

A fool!

A pathetic fool.

I'm embarrassed to say where. (you've kind of already mentioned this, so this sentence is unnecessary)

This man moans and groans, (but who was this ma? someone she knew? A stranger?)

So all in all, maybe its just me, but I was confused on a few things, and who this man was. I understood most of the rest whoever, and it was a very deep poem that kind of made me shed a tear. A few things to fix and this'll be a great poem!

I will break it up into stanzas when my computer stops glitching!