*Note - I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted to post this, or if it counted as a legitimate poem since I seem to be struggling to write them, but I thought I might as well get some feedback and use it. Any and all criticism and advice is welcomed. Please and thank you! And a side note- working on a better title.*
my mind cannot fathom
why your fingertips brushing
gently against my skin
could ignite such a spark
twixt both of our sensations
when it was me you touched-
not the me you think you see
but the one underneath,
hiding,
screaming,
bleeding with tears
yearning to escape
from eyelids closed
tightly shut,
trying to stand firm
upon a cracking foundation
of my own mere existence-
when all your eyes yearned
to search and glance upon was
the me that was undressed
and trembling upon your bed.
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140,482 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Hello, its me!
This is just a nit picky thing but I think that even though it's a poem you still need punctuation and capitalization. That is just my opinion though.
First things first, I am obsessed with your title it is amazing. It was so intriguing that I just had to read this even though I don't often review poems.
I loved this poem your chose of words were beautiful. The poem had a really nice flow to it and I enjoyed reading it.
I found no grammar or spelling mistakes.
I can see a clear story when you say things like
"my mind cannot fathom
why your fingertips brushing
gently against my skin
could ignite such a spark"
Overall this was a good piece of work that I am happy to have spent th etime reading it. I can't wait to read more of your work.
Goodbye, Have a nice day!
First of all, I like it. The only thing that peeves me a little bit is the lack of capital letter at the beginning but if it was deliberate then don't let me stop you
my mind cannot fathom
why your fingertips brushing
gently against my skin
could ignite such a spark
When you read to here, it looks as if the two main subjects are intimate lovers, thinking about what a slight touch can do. 'Ignite' is a nice word to use here - almost like he/she is going up in flames.
twixt both of our sensations
when it was me you touched-
not the me you think you see
but the one underneath,
The first line carries on the lover routine from before, and then turns away from loving. I like hyphens and they aren't used enough. Good on you for putting a hyphen in there. Anyway, moving on from the hyphen, this is starting to show that he/she is hiding their true feelings toward their lover.
hiding,
screaming,
bleeding with tears
yearning to escape
Now it's really clear that their true feelings are being hidden. On the inside, he/she hates it, but on the outside they show no resistance. I'm intrigued as to why, and the nature of their relationship now.
from eyelids closed
tightly shut,
trying to stand firm
upon a cracking foundation
Their everything is falling apart and they feel as if they cannot get their grounding properly. You've written distress and falling apart very well with the 'stand firm upon a cracking foundation'. It's not an overused cliche saying, either, so double marks
of my own mere existence-
when all your eyes yearned
to search and glance upon was
the me that was undressed
and trembling upon your bed.
The poem leaves behind the subject's distress and paints their lover to be either blind or malicious, in that they either can't notice the fear and distress, or are fully aware of it and pressing on anyway. The verb 'trembling' suggests that the fear is outwardly noticeable and that their 'lover' is acting with malicious intent.
Anyway, that's what I got from it. It's well-written and flows well.