4:37 a.m.
i awaken from deep slumber
clutching a stuffed bear,
for i had dreamed it was you-
your soft whisper dancing
into my ear drums and
pooling into my heart,
our breath synchronized
as we let the world around us
fade into nothingness-
goosebumps from the
morning air replacing
the warmth i had felt
in your embrace.
6:29 a.m.
i'm seated at the dining table
shifting blueberries around in
miscellaneous circles
through my oatmeal,
pondering old conversations-
your hatred for your eyes
a mere mystery i couldn't solve,
for they were a mesmerizing blue
that whispered and danced like
waves crashing gently
upon a shore of golden sand,
a gaze i could get lost in-
discarding my breakfast
into the garbage disposal
because it had gotten cold.
10:08 a.m.
i'm flipping through an
old leather bond journal
you had surprised me with
on a day sorrow was dragging
me to a point of no return-
pulling pressed flowers and
old wrinkled gum wrappers
i had gathered from our summer
spent with one another
from in between the badly
beaten pages filled with poetry-
smiling at the memories
and squinting mindlessly forward,
as if trying to teleport myself
back in time.
3:42 p.m.
i'm listening to your favorite band,
replaying the songs you told me
to listen to on an infinite loop-
tearing each lyric apart
in hopes of finding the message
buried deep within,
yearning to discover
what secrets you had hiding
for me in a heart striking melody-
ripping the headphones from my ears
in a desperate rage as
i gave up on my search.
7:26 p.m.
i'm forcing leftovers from
last nights dinner down my
throat so i won't starve to death,
struggling to keep my hand
from shaking as i lifted the fork-
still memorized and teary eyed
by the seriousness of your gaze
as you made me twist my
pinky finger around your own
in a promise that i would
at least try to eat food
every single day-
wiling myself into
taking little bites at a time
like you had once made me practice.
11:32 p.m.
i'm staring up at the moon,
hoping that wherever you are,
you're looking at it, too-
muttering the names of constellations
aloud like you once taught me,
watching my breath dance
through the frigid night air,
straining my eyes to find
a shooting star that would make
my wishes come true-
acknowledging the fact that even
though you are gone,
i'm still pathetically
in love with you.
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140,482 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Hi, I'm Ash and I'm here for a review.
Wow.Just wow. You captured the bittersweetness of what love is just perfectly. All that I related to perfectly. Love is probably the best and worst thing one could experience. Even if it is platonic love. It could help or hurt you. And sometimes it's the latter. Which is sad.
Overall your poem was just too good. I could relate to every moment. And you did not sugar coat anything (in my opinion sugar coating things is kind of annoying. Keeping it real is a very very very good thing to do.). You kept it real and I could see this all happening. To conclude, this was fantastically written. And I hope to see more from you!
Have a wonderful day!
Hello! Just to start, I LOVE this piece! Having experienced the sweet torture of love before, I found myself relating to this piece more and more as I read. I know the heart-wrenching pain of love being ripped away. I went through a long, messy breakup in which I was toyed with, lied to, lead on, then ripped apart. But enough about me! This piece is absolutely beautiful.
My only suggestions are maybe to work on use of punctuation. I found you missing some commas and such where the use of them would be appropriate. Other than that, I give this work my utmost praise.
PS. I dearly hope this isn't written from experience. I would never wish this on anyone else. I know it is hell.
Happy writing, and I hope this helps
Thank you so much for this review. I appreciate it a lot. <3
You're very welcome
Tigerlilly here to review this incredible piece as best I can!
WOW! This... This is absolutely beautiful. It's so brilliantly woven together, each and every piece. I can feel the story and honestly, it made me want to cry in the end. One thing I would like to clarify: is the person the narrator is in love with dead or did they move away..? I feel like if you showed a bit more of what happened to that character then the poem would some how be even more emotional because we could feel the appropriate feelings. (Honestly, that's just my opinion, your poem is amazing and you definitely don't have to change it at all if you don't want to.)
As far as grammar and form goes, this is perfect. I found no mistakes. I love the absence of capitalization- I think it adds more character to the poem if that makes sense.
Anyways, I'm sorry I couldn't provide more things to help you better your poem. It was just so excellent there wasn't much to fix! Keep writing, I sincerely look forward to reading more from you in the future.
To answer your question about the person the narrator is in love with, put simply, that's for you to decide. It's vague, but I think it makes it more personal to the reader, if that makes sense! c; Thank you so much for the review! I appreciate it immensely. <3 Have an amaze balls day!
That does make sense! Thanks for the clarification.