Hey there.
I see that you've heavily edited this poem heavily since you got the first review, but I still see some issues with it. The message does bother me a bit because you're trying to do one of those heavy, deep messages. Those sorts of poems take a certain element that I don't see here, like there's a lack of serious tone in the presentation. I'm trying to think of the right wording to explain it but there's an overall issue with the wording, which switches between casual and then almost formal.
More on the presentation brings me around to the structure, which is kind of bulky at this point and the lines lack in uniform, disrupting the flow a bit. It took me a bit to get through this, despite how short this is just because the flow just wasn't there. I'd get rid of some of the capitalization to start with, as the easiest edit that anyone can make to have a less awkward feel.
The stanza structure could also be split up further, to keep some of those ideas together and to keep others apart. I think in the second stanza, just split it straight down the middle for the hope of it looking nice together. I also want to talk about the last line of the first stanza, which is the one screwing the most with the flow in that section.
I see no problem to this--I hope you don’t either
Due to a couple of things, here's a format that I would recommend. There's a lot factoring into this and while I've explained some of this so far, it's easiest just to show you.
I see no problem to this-
I hope you don’t either
Then there's the issue with the lack of the title. This is another thing I mostly file under presentation on the basis of how it bothers me and set about a mood to the poem. Whenever I see someone label a poem as "no title" or "nothing" or "asking for suggestions", it does make me question the validity of the poem.
Alright that's all I've got for today.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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