I'll correct spelling and such later... I'm trying to distract myself from my essay...
Yes... somebody, please read my crap... It's so hard for me to write unless I AM depressed... but hopefully I can improve without being depressed.
Forgive me for when I just sat and
watched the infant star die out,
taking with it the soft bronzed glow
that comforted me since his blue eyes
started your heart ablaze
and the gentle violin notes that played
screech to a halt, bow bending,
wrist snapping. the musician dies.
A deep resentment lies within me as
a malicious symphony of lost hopes
and laughter come back to taunt me.
a rose thorn had never felt so good.
Forgive me, nothing will be whole again,
and when the sun comes up I will hide
among the shadows left behind
like so many others left me, led me astray
as I write this love letter to myself
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,422 Reviews
Not bad, compared to some of my poems. Yes, you probably should check for spelling errors and such, but as for the actual content, I'm impressed. I'd probably rate it 8.5/10. Keep up the good work and you'll go far.
I've never been a fan of repeating the title in the last line. It's too, well, erm, repetitive, and rarely sounds right. It seems especially out of place in your poem.
The first two lines were great, very strong; I'd love to see more of that in the rest of the piece!This piece definitely has potential, especially in its imagery. I think it would really help it to use some more interesting language; that would really enhance the images. Some of the phrases are cliched or hackneyed, like "his blue eyes...heart ablaze" and "screech to a halt". Finding a new and refreshing way to say those things will make the poem more enjoyable and more memorable.
You might find a better verb than "sat", though. It doesn't really provide enough information about what the speaker was doing at the time. Perhaps "slept"...not entirely sure on this one. Maybe you just have a good thing going with "sat".
Is it important that the "gentle" music ends, and that the musician dies with it? I mean, of course it's important that the music ends, but does the musician's (violinist's?) death add more to it? If so, I think you could emphasize that more.
The third stanza is probably the weakest. It's vague, abstract. Its oen redeeming quality was the aspect of the "symphony" - tying back to the music idea the stanza before.
Regarding the "rose thorn" - is it significant that it's a rose thorn, or could it just be any old thorn?
Colleen
Beautiful. You got your ideas across in an original and capitivating way.
I felt the candle metaphor in the first stanza was a little outworn, maybe try for something a bit more unique? In comparison to the rest of your imagery it does seem cliched. However, I really liked the second half of that stanza.
Some of your lines also seem disjointed, such as "a rose thorn had never felt so good." I don't really see much of the relevance to the rest of the poem, but it's a nice image so maybe you could work it in there.
I loved the last stanza, but not the first line. Where does forgiving yourself come in?
Anyway, you've got some brilliant moments in this. A great piece.
--edited version: Yep, that's better. It brings the whole thing together a lot more. Nice work.