Here's another short, repetitive poem. I actually am beginning to like this style of poetry, now the key is to not overuse it. (Main task now is to figure out a gift for Vernon)
Goddess, oh please
Don’t watch me as I watch him
As I fall in love with him
I pray that he smiles, if not for me
No life more joyful without him
Goddess, oh please.
I see him clearly on the summer sun
No shadow is left black with him around
Don’t watch me as I watch him
I cannot help but hope that he too
Will see me and learn to love me
As I fall in love with him.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Elizabeth,
This is fine as rogation, perhaps, though it fails at being anything more.
You've done better.
Best,
Brad
...Vernon, that's really unnecessary. Claudette was giving Elizabeth constructive advice, which is what YWS is for. Please don't be unnecessarily partisan.
As to the poem: I agree that the lack of punctuation does it no good, and that that oft-quoted line--"No life more joyful without him"--really makes no sense. Otherwise--it was all right. Weak, but not awful.
Claudette, I feel I should point out that she's been unable to write stuff for a while and her situaction has made it hard to even write poetry.
I'm sure she meant to puncuate it.
Erm, Well on a mod note you should respect everyones critiques and refrain from saying they are b'tchy critiquers--it is very disrespectful.
Poetry & Punctuation.
First off, you need to punctuate it. Don't forget punctuation! It's another part of grammar
I think punctuating it would help me to understand it in places, because I am not sure how to read it...
This was good, and I liked the meaning behind it, but I think you could have put more into it. I couldn't feel what you felt (Assumably, love ^_^) and it was all telling (or speaking, to "godess") so it was just kind of ... I don't know? It could have more to it.
Well.. Ignoring the comments from the other "bitchy crtiquer..." I liked this piece. I found it clever that the last lines of the last three verses made up the first verse. Maybe that is because I am rather simple minded.. Who knows? =]
It's full of passion and emotion, I like that but there is one thing that sort of confused me.. and again this may be because I am a simple minded illiterate fool.
Who is the goddess? I was wondering whether you were referring to Eros... or someone along those lines, and if so, great job! But if not, then I don't understand it ^^ But that's how I see it, and it;s all about the interpretation of it that makes poetry so interesting.
Good job and ignore any bitchy comments about it, 'cause just because some people don't like it, doesn't mean others won't. ^^
Well lucky I even put THIS much of it on because then computer crashed. I lost EVERYTHING... so I'll have to work on it to suit the desire of thine bitchy critiquer...
You and Vernon are so cute. XD
I really like the way you repeat some lines in different contexts. It's repetitive, but not annoying at all. It makes it sweet, like a song. It reminds me of a lullaby.
I also like how it goes from specific examples, (summer sun,) to vagueness without any bumpy transitions. It flows really naturally.
The only line I don't like is this one: No life more joyful without him , and that's just because I don't get it.
This is my favorite part.
Thanks for posting this.
Hehe I can't decide I like blog one better lmao. Hmm well chocolate seemed to pointed it out. Great poem though as always.
I like that style of poetry, too. It isn't held back by any rhyme or reason, even though, taking a closer look, there's a definite rhythm.
The rest of the poem doesn't rhyme, it seems a little off for the last two lines to rhyme.
"No ______ more" implies that a comparison will be made, but you didn't. It sounds like it should have been
"No life more joyful than without him,"
but that makes no sense, as the whole point is that you do want him in your life. Perhaps you meant life is no longer joyful without him, in which case you would have been better off saying
"Life no more joyful without him," or
"Life no longer joyful without him,"
both of which mess up your rhythm. You need to fix that line, it's confusing.
I seriously doubt this guy is on the summer sun. Typo, maybe, for "in"?
The rhythm's off here. Try
"Will learn to see me and love me,"
which does imply that you're feeling invisible, an idea not previously specifically addressed, but it's allright.
Overall, good poem, I like the idea and the style. Tweak it a little and it'll be perfect.