Hand in hand, there are only two,
for combined I bridge over to you.
Two arms tenderly wave in the breezes of
the contained freedom which we’ve known.
Eyes to eyes, there are but two.
Sinking into each another as our gazes
Penetrate through the shielded emotions
And I can finally see the essence
Of you and I together
Lips to lips there are only a pair,
as we are entwined by soft love
that will hold us together; lingering afterwards.
When we walk, we’re one
When we breathe, we’re one
Our hearts beat as one
Two lovers, one person
Two people, two souls
Two lives, one feeling:
Love.
I totally know I need to work on this, but I was thinking about this while some people ranted about love and boyfriends and how they suck and I wasn't feeling or aggreeing with what they said. I thought about this all day and finally was able to type it up... this is basically a skeleton because the majority was forgotten, but otherwise I'd say this is a pretty pearly, white skeleton, ready for a heart and soul and some skin and organs, that nice bloody stuff...
Too much repetiion but it gets my mind jogging.
Ideas, critiques?
I'll be handing out barf bags *Turns to Brad* Take two.
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You just said that because I used the word schizophernically ... *sighs*
Elizabeth,
The freaking injustice of love is plain to any sentient being. The problem with this poem is that it beats the reader over the head with it. There's no discovery. There's no "so that's what it is."
You call it expression, I call it self-flagellation. Whatever we want to call it, it's a celebration of the speaker's sensitivities crammed down the gullet of the reader. That's what makes the largest part of this poem junk.
The last two lines are of interest, though; you should look into expanding them in a meaningful way.
Best,
Brad
Second one was much better.
I still caught a few cliches in there such as "penetrating through the shielded emotions", which kinda came off to me as something that you could find in any typical teen poem.
I don't have time for a full crit here, but the line "schizophrenically in love" had me confused. What do you mean by that? It just doesn't make sense to me.
In the fourth stanza, when you say "each another" in the second verse, it should be "each other."
Sorry-this is all I have time for. It's just a quick scan of some stuff, but I'll tell you I enjoyed the poem! It was refreshing to find something that wasn't about breaking up or something like that. Nice job, Lizzles.
In us there are only two hands,
a suspension bridge over the Atlantic,
Undulating over the waves gently…
Being caressed by the sunlight with
froth and spray trickling down our arms.
Together we have only two eyes,
they sink forever into each another,
penetrating through the shielded emotions
and all of the suffering and pain are clear.
At what cost can we abide but to just gaze?
Lips to lips there are only a pair,
lingering upon our last kiss, do we
Dare open our mouths to speak?
Our conversations only differ in our tones
and there’s nothing we haven’t said.
When we walk there are two legs
emulating each another, symmetrical.
Autumn leaves crunch beneath us and
We run across highways of life to
The destination we made for ourselves
We breathe as one with smooth inhaling
keep our heart alive. Our dreams, our hopes,
lie within us as we wish for our future.
We are but two lovers, clinging to another to
create a single person, who lives and sees.
There are two souls within us and
we’re schizophrenically in love.
Alright here's the edit, but I'm not completely satisfied with it... so I'm also leaving up the older one to compare incase I need more line reference. How am I doing now?
I quite liked this, and the ideas were great but parts were a tiny bit cliche. I think expressing something so old (love!) in a new way is really hard seeing as there are so many love poems around. I did like it though, it just needs a tiny bit more flesh on the bones!
Elizabeth,
Your barf bags are much appreciated.
For the soppiness, you could probably get this published by some blundering teen magazine. If that's your aim, you're through here.
However, if you want to take this higher, make something more of your concentrated efforts, you'll need to introduce a metaphor that can sustain the piece--as it were, the broken half-metaphors only jar the reader to non-interest.
I found "each another" to be a cheap gimmick that did not contribute to your point. Let me take the old dictum in poetry that one should "Only include what contributes to the meaning" and stricten it by saying, "Only include what is necessary for meaning." What is contributory?--well, there are certainly an abundance of things that can do that. What is necessary?--there are only a handful.
Figure out what you need, and go from there.
Take care,
Brad