In the beginning it was awkward auditions
And I got to see how you moved on the stage
The Stage of Drama and the Stage of Life
As I got to see how you floated by
I knew that you're what I needed
It was in this time I took the chance
It's with the Devil that I must dance
Yet, the Devil always ends up in faulty rythem
Because of his two left feet
But your two right's will hold me up
As the Devil let's go and refuses to try again
And our laughter will threaten the darkness
As we crawl into a lover's sleep
Our dreams are where our souls will meet
We will fall forever into the canyon
And when we wake up we look into another's eyes
Your lips part and you whisper to me:
"You're so beautiful."
*I need HELP! Oh lordy, please help me! HELP ME! I can't find a poem I wrote with my friend Ryan Romalle, I had a better beautiful poem there... but now it's gone forever! It's appreciated if you'll help me... anybody... please? *whimpers*
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139,464 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
BEAUTIFUL
Petrified by a gaze which I can not even begin to imagine
I never knew something so beautiful existed
I want to hold onto it with my life but I am afraid if I hold it too had then it will die
Why is there such a thin line? Why is life so delicate?
If I even touch you with the tip of my finger will you fade away?
Will I fade away?
There we go, I managed to find my other poem... apparently this is what I was thinking of the entire time, trying to base some of the story around this idea... but I kind of sucked at that, didn't I? Heh...
In the beginning it was awkward auditions
And I got to see how you moved on the stage
The Stage of Drama and the Stage of Life
As I got to see how you floated by
I knew that you're what I needed
It was in this time I took the chance
It's with the Devil that I must dance
Yet, the Devil always ends up in faulty rhythm
Because of his two left feet
But your two righ's will hold me up
As the Devil lets go and refuses to try again
And our laughter will threaten the darkness
As we crawl into a lover's sleep
Our dreams are where our souls will meet
We will fall forever into the canyon
And when we wake up we look into another's eyes
Your lips part and you whisper to me:
"You're so beautiful."
Firstly rythem should be rhythm
Right's should be rights and let's should be lets. Otherwise it means right is and let is.
Overall, great imagery, i thought your poem was really good!
Yet, the Devil always ends up in faulty rythem
Because of his two left feet
But your two right's will hold me up
As the Devil let's go and refuses to try again
Somebody help me with that part....
I don't think I spelt Rythem right....
Should Right's be Rights?
And let's be lets?
Help, Help, Help!
Yay i'm brave *goes to read it* Not bad erm Satan is does not have two left feet, i do, no wait do i *checks* Nope oh well still can't dance lol and by that statement i mean i can't dance.
Thank you for the help and encouragement, I edited it and would love to know what others think of it.
And have I become so openly repulsive that my poems will only be read after nearly a week of being posted?
Thank you, you brave, brave readers.
alright since you asked for help, i'll try.
not liking the intro first line. make it die.
first stanza: just...add more. it was a great image - why don't you add more detail or something?
second stanza: uhh what? i don't get it. well, i do, but it needs to tie into the poem more. it's sort of feels like an awkward transition word, like a half-random word that doesn't quite fit, even if it's logical.
third stanza: there's a repetive thing in here. look:
phrase this different. it's "you look at each other." "all we do is look at each other in the eyes". basically you say the same thing with a bit of more detail added in the second line. so like...again, add more detail but don't be repetative.
...i hoped that helped some.
You used great imagery. I also loved the first and last stanza. In the first stanza I loved how you used the devil. Like funkyflower said you could work on the rhythm some.
love the verse with the 'you're beautiful' bit in it...great imagery overall though the rhythm really needs a little work. pretty good, keep writing,
~mez~