z

Young Writers Society



Untitled

by Elizabeth


It's very short. As intended of course.
I'm not in the mood for critique, but write some down and I'll be sure to bitch later.

---Elizabeth

Depression is
when you know you’ll do something wrong,
did it anyway, and fear the consequences.

It’s when you sit around and hope that
somehow,
by even a slim chance,
there is hope that he won’t
shatter you as a mirror
and slowly fade from memory
as you
burn to ashes.

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Wed May 09, 2007 10:23 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



I'm not in the mood for critique
If you don't want a critique, then why even post? Don't yell at Chandni for what she said, Critiques are opinions....

I think it was the usual depression poem you get from teens, so there wasn't much special about it. You had the whole mirror metaphor, which was good though cliché. A good way to improve this would be too put some more feeling into it, feeling that the reader can feel as well so that it brings them into it. The goal of a poem is to make the reader feel, think, or look at something in a new light. To cause something. Poetry is sometimes mistaken as emotional rants in verse. (Not intended as a hit on your open, I do not consider this such.)

It was OK, but too.... "the usual"? I'm not sure how else to describe it.

This article might help you out: Emotional Poetry

Bonne Chance!




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Wed May 09, 2007 2:29 am
Elizabeth says...



Pfft... I don't care if it's a statement broken up, it's how you read it. Apparently you haven't read my favorite poet... whose name I cannot remember at the moment but EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS A GLORIOUSLY SENSUAL STATEMENT

... *grumbles cruel words upon thee*




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Tue May 08, 2007 5:37 pm
Chandni wrote a review...



Hmm to me this sounds more like a statement rather than a poem.

Depression is when you know you’ll do something wrong,did it anyway, and fear the consequences.It’s when you sit around and hope that somehow,by even a slim chance,there is hope that he won’t shatter you as a mirror and slowly fade from memory as you burn to ashes.

It's like it just could've been this way rather than in stanzas. It wouldn't make a difference. Well that's what I think. You could post this in "Other Poetry" if you'd like.

Cheerios, Chandni




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Tue May 08, 2007 4:20 pm
LilMissMe99e says...



ok thats so true... even though its not what people want to hear it is true





To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.
— Allen Ginsberg