Lonlieness in my heart

It went by too fast
My mind’s left in a blurry vision of
The bus stops, alleyways behind his house, garages
And I walked home a worried girl
“If you say anything, I’m never talking to you ever again, later.”
On the stage, before practice the next day
I screamed and it echoed back to me
More painful than having a bullet to the stomach
I crawled to the corner,
Behind old coats of past secrecy
Around a broken mirror
And I sat there crying
“God, what have I done, what have I done?”
Until she came up to me, the play’s “social worker”
“Liz, tell me what’s wrong.”
So I told her of what I did,
“He’ll dump me. Colton’s going to be so mad…”
Swish…
“Who’s there?” Curtain swaying, she ran off to the theater black
“Oh God…” I muttered to myself
I sat back there a while wondering
Sniffing old stage dust, finally brushed off and crawled
Lifting my knees above the glass and looking at my red face
I crawled behind the path behind the red cloth
And I heard them speaking…
What she said, I don’t remember: what did he say?
Nothing… nothing at all,
The corner he was standing in was black
(Crossed arms, swollen eyes, forgive me)
Light flickered into a cold, hard strand on her
She ran off, not looking at me, only into her hands
Weeping, but why?
I looked at Colton…
“Colton…” I was being overly dramatic
I couldn’t tell reality from fiction, only a nightmare
“I am sorry…" was all I could squeak out
Pause
“We’ll talk later,” he brushed by me, away to the stage
God, please not be out of my life too
I broke down against the wall
“Why God, why me? Why… why…”
Why, it’s the hardest question to answer
I blame myself, for his pain, for mine
I was supposed to be a terrific girlfriend
His first girlfriend
Instead I slapped reality into his face so bitterly and so harsh
I fear he won’t want to love again
What’s worse, it was a week before Valentines Day
What kind of selfish yarn am I?
If I scratch away at my wrists now, with a broken mirror bit,
Close my eyes, and slit!
Please God; don’t let the memory be of the pain,
Of what I did, don’t let it replay,
Of Colton in the corner, of the tears
Of my unwell, egotistic soul