Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


Forgiveness is a Virtue

by Elizabeth


Secrets
I’m gonna tell you my secret; the one that I won't want anybody to know so be silent and don't flinch for the people around us can hear the fear. On the phone I whisper it to you and I trust you, with my heart my life. Rustle.
We hang up silently with a lie in our hearts, believing each another was a mistake but everybody takes that chance when you tell a secret.

Betrayal
I walk around the hallways of my school my things are in my arms and all is well.
Everybody around me is whispering.
I can not hear them but I know it's about me. I can feel my name being spoken my friends and stranger alike. The glances they pass are not kind
And I take too much time to hesitate...
And the only one I can look back to is you. You're the only on I told, I know. Because you are my friend, because you're like a sister, I think I can brush it off my shoulders. I can't because I know that this promise was broken and I won't let it happen again.
You don't see me looking at you and you keep on talking behind my back.
It’s not that fun seeing your best friend seem less like one each moment in time.
But I walk away from it all, forgetting it all as to never again look behind me anymore.

Sorrow
You call me that lone cold night and with all my might I try and talk to you.
I can't seem to say the words I'm feeling and right now I know you're not my friend.
You're crying your eyes out and letting these tears of regret roll down your cheeks as I listen.
I don't say a word and I don't plan to because you are the one I'm listening too and I can't help but feel that you aren't my friend anymore.
Friends never let each another down.
You are still crying and I'm waiting for you to stop and I'm so mad that you even think that I will forgive you.
How dare you call me so here on out, promise me you'll just get out of my mind, of my life, of my memories and thoughts combined!
We hang up. I bet you're still crying but won't worry. I don't want you to cry over the loss of your best friend because there isn’t really anything bad about that, is there?

Later
I walk down the hallways of tomorrow and I can see you're over there, with those clips in your hair, which I gave you on your 13th birthday, 1 year ago.
I see you're talking to my secret as I draw closer. Nothing' is happening, nothing is moving as I see him bend over to you and kiss you on those lying lips.
Kiss you with the kiss I was born to get.
You look at me, see me, and run away quickly. You're afraid of me, you shouldn't be, I know it too but I guess that we are too naive to even notice anything.
Oh well, its swell, all is settled.
You and I are no longer friends but this pain inside me, lingering, smelling like rotten mold growing in my heart won't stop.

Regret
You're new ‘boyfriend’ came up to me and explained from beginning to end.
How was I supposed to know it wasn't you? When I told you my secret your sister was on the other line when I told my divine secrets to you?
I have this feeling of regret in my gut but I don't stop ignoring you because if we were really friends then you would stop hanging out, kissing not missing, and my secret?
I'm glad, you're happy.
Pain drives me to the ends and farther, waiting for something to catch my fall, I'm on my knees, begging you to be the one to help me through this life of mine and you brush me away like shoulder dust only because I didn’t say sorry first.
I'm lying here in bed. I can't help but remember the good times we had together just us two, we were invincible together.
Phone is ringing do I dare answer? Do I dare ask who's on the other line?
Do I dare wait for mother to come to my bedroom and say, "It's for you."?
I wait and I wait for my mom to come in but I hear her talking on the phone and laughing like we used to do. I'm still not ready to face the world; to face my life anymore.

End
What happened to us? Once we were close but now we are as far apart, far apart like Australia and Austria and everything is miles away now.
We aren't far apart but it feels like it. Why? Why does it feel like this?
Can I even remember why this whole thing happened?
I don't but I bet you do except we can't remember or talk about it, we're so far apart in heart and it's hard to even think.
I look into the past, twenty years ago, now we've grown old and life when I was 13 isn't clear anymore.
I learned a lesson in all this time, even though secrets are spilled and words are broken and hearts are hurt, just you remember that if this happens again don't be ignorant like me, naive like me, blind and deaf just like me, just remember that forgiveness is a virtue.
And what drives you into forgiving comes from within your heart.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 1823
Reviews: 665

Donate
Sat Jan 07, 2006 11:22 am
View Likes
deleted6 says...



I've read it and it sad and happy, at parts all together it's a great poem.




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 1160

Donate
Wed Jun 29, 2005 6:49 am
View Likes
Elizabeth says...



Somebody read this as well, it's not that long and you don't have to read all of it :(




User avatar
701 Reviews


Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Donate
Mon Jan 24, 2005 12:16 am
View Likes
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



Hmh. Well. There are some good parts and some bad parts and overall it needs a lot of work, but it has potential to be very good so dont give up.

Secrets
I’m gonna tell you my secret; the one that I won't want anybody to know so be silent and don't flinch for the people around us can hear the fear. On the phone I whisper it to you and I trust you, with my heart my life. Rustle.
We hang up silently with a lie in our hearts, believing each another was a mistake but everybody takes that chance when you tell a secret.


I love this stanza. Seriously. 'hear the fear' and 'Rustle' are wonderful, they gave me such awesome imagery. Dont change a thing.

Betrayal
I walk around the hallways of my school my things are in my arms and all is well.
Everybody around me is whispering.
I can not hear them but I know it's about me. I can feel my name being spoken my
[by?] friends and stranger alike. The glances they pass are not kind
And I take too much time to hesitate...


OK, well...for starters, here you kind of contradict yourself. 'all is well' and then everything turns to custard, that I get, but you need to have some kind of bridge between the two states because otherwise it seems incongruous at best and stupid at worst. Adding 'except that' to the first line after 'all is well' might work. Also, I'd remove 'by friends and stranger alike'. I do, however, think 'and I take too much time to hesitate' is great, even if it is a bit...out there, lol.

And the only one I can look back to is you. You're the only on I told, I know. Because you are my friend, because you're like a sister, I think I can brush it off my shoulders. I can't because I know that this promise was broken and I won't let it happen again.
You don't see me looking at you and you keep on talking behind my back.
It’s not that fun seeing your best friend seem less like one each moment in time.
But I walk away from it all, forgetting it all as to never again look behind me anymore.


Get rid of the 'I know' in line one. And change 'I think I can brush it off my shoulders. I can't because I know that this promise was broken and I won't let it happen again.' to something more like 'I think I can brush it off my shoulders but this promise was broken and I wont let it happen again' - shorter and more succinct. The first version seems clunky. No flow. 'Its not that fun seeing your best friend seem less like one with every passing moment' might be better than 'each moment...etc.'. I really dont like that. It sounds amateurish to me. And get rid of one of th 'it all's in the last line. Too repetitive.

Sorrow
You call me that lone cold night and with all my might I try and talk to you.
I can't seem to say the words I'm feeling and right now I know you're not my friend.
You're crying your eyes out and letting these tears of regret roll down your cheeks as I listen.


Remove 'these'. And the full stop. You have a lot of unnecessary punctuation which could use some revising. This isnt an English lesson - you can get away with no capitals and no full stops at the end of every line :)

I don't say a word and I don't plan to because you are the one I'm listening too and I can't help but feel that you aren't my friend anymore.
Friends never let each another down.
You are still crying and I'm waiting for you to stop and I'm so mad that you even think that I will forgive you.
How dare you call me so here on out, promise me you'll just get out of my mind, of my life, of my memories and thoughts combined!


Ack! Please dont tell me that rhyme was intentional. Take it out - it isnt working.

We hang up. I bet you're still crying but won't worry. I don't want you to cry over the loss of your best friend because there isn’t really anything bad about that, is there?

You need a comma instead of a full stop after 'dont worry'. Also, change your question. I know its meant to be sarcastic but somehow it doesnt fly - at least, not in my opinion.

Later
I walk down the hallways of tomorrow and I can see you're over there, with those clips in your hair, which I gave you on your 13th birthday, 1 year ago.
I see you're talking to my secret as I draw closer. Nothing' is happening, nothing is moving as I see him bend over to you and kiss you on those lying lips.
Kiss you with the kiss I was born to get.
You look at me, see me, and run away quickly. You're afraid of me, you shouldn't be, I know it too but I guess that we are too naive to even notice anything.
Oh well, its swell, all is settled.
You and I are no longer friends but this pain inside me, lingering, smelling like rotten mold growing in my heart won't stop.


Overall an awesome stanza. Just get rid of the internal rhymes in some places ('you're afraid of me, you shouldnt be', 'oh well, its swell') and change that last line so that it makes more sense ('but this pain wont stop, lingering, smelling like rotten mold and growing in my heart' or something similar).

Regret
You're
[your] new ‘boyfriend’ came up to me and explained from beginning to end.
How was I supposed to know it wasn't you? When I told you my secret your sister was on the other line when I told my divine secrets to you?


Whuh? Why are you repeating this? You could possibly get rid of your first question mark and add the sentences together so that repetition isnt necessary. 'How was I supposed to know it wasnt you, that when I told you my secret your sister was on the other line listening to us whispering?' maybe. Or just change the second question.

I have this feeling of regret in my gut but I don't stop ignoring you because if we were really friends then you would stop hanging out, kissing not missing, and my secret?

Uh...this needs to be altered so that I can understand it, coz right now it reads a bit like gibberish. I THINK I know what you mean, but I'm only guessing. I dont like guessing.

I'm glad, you're happy.
Pain drives me to the ends and farther,


I know this fits the rhythm but I'm not sure if it works. Its up to you though.

waiting for something to catch my fall,

'catch my fall' doesnt wash with me. 'break' my fall is better.

I'm on my knees, begging you to be the one to help me through this life of mine and you brush me away like shoulder dust only because I didn’t say sorry first.

Get rid of 'only', it doesnt fit.

I'm lying here in bed. I can't help but remember the good times we had together just us two, we were invincible together.

'I'm lying here in bed and I cant help but remember the good times, me and you, we were invincible together' might read better. Dont repeat 'together', it loses emphasis.

Phone is ringing do I dare answer? Do I dare ask who's on the other line?
Do I dare wait for mother to come to my bedroom and say, "It's for you."?


If it were me, I'd change 'do I dare' to 'dare I' for the first two questions, and put a comma beside 'ringing'. The last line also meeds some work to make it fit the rhythm you have going.

I wait and I wait for my mom to come in

'for her to come' might be better. We already know who you're talking about and 'come in' isnt necessary.

but I hear her talking on the phone and laughing like we used to do. I'm still not ready to face the world; to face my life anymore.

You could perhaps join these two sentences to enhance the flow, with 'like we used to and I find I'm still not ready...'. Cutting out 'do' would be a good idea in any case.

End
What happened to us? Once we were close but now we are as far apart, far apart like Australia and Austria and everything is miles away now.


This is a great line, but it needs a wee bit of tweaking. Get rid of 'as' - its not needed. Thats all! :D

We aren't far apart but it feels like it. Why? Why does it feel like this?

OK well here you're contradicting yourself again. Instead of 'far apart' (which is getting a bit repetitive, anyway) say 'in distant countries' or something. That way, you lessen the contradiction and can still follow with the 'Why...?' questions.

Can I even remember why this whole thing happened?
I don't but I bet you do except we can't remember or talk about it, we're so far apart in heart and it's hard to even think.


Instead of 'I dont', I think it would be more feasible to put 'maybe not', because if you dont remember it then where the hell is this poem coming from? And if you have to have the rhyme, put 'at heart' instead of 'in heart'. It makes more sense ;)

I look into the past, twenty years ago, now we've grown old and life when I was 13 isn't clear anymore.
I learned a lesson in all this time, even though secrets are spilled and words are broken and hearts are hurt, just you remember that if this happens again don't be ignorant like me, naive like me, blind and deaf just like me, just remember that forgiveness is a virtue.


This is great, but the full stop isnt necessary.

And what drives you into forgiving comes from within your heart.

Meh. Needs more punch, and its kinda preachy. Do what you can to give the ending some pizzaz.

Overall, its a good poem, with obviously a great deal of emotion behind it. You have an innate rhythm here but you spoil it by being too abrupt in some places. I think with some revision this could be an awesome poem, so get to work!





When one is highly alert to language, then nearly everything begs to be a poem.
— James Tate