Counting Lovely Words

Get a room, as we Mancunians would say.

Anywho!

It started with one word; hello

I'm thinking a semi-colon should be turning into a colon right about now. You also need some punctuation after "hello" or else the transition to the next line sounds badly rushed; a comma ought to do it.

And there you had me

I'll give you the same advice I gave the object of your affection: you don't need to start every line with a capital letter - it looks better if you don't, in my opinion, but only use one when you're starting a new sentance.

And then, next we met: hello again!

Using "then, next" isn't very grammatical - the words mean the same thing! I do like the repeat of "and" though, I think it was intentional and stylish

I'd just put the last line as "and then we met: hello again!" and leave it at that.

It isn't a common love story
Without a tragic ending, but instead
A tragic plot
With a wish come true
Yeah! Good reversal of words, though it would be better stylistically if you had tragedy without love - wouldn't fit the characters, though, so never mind for edits: you need some punctuation at the end of the verse, that's all.

Characters so adolecent,
That's "adolescent".

So confused, yet so correct
I think this would be perfect as "so confused, yet uncorrected" because of the meter and rhythm. Just me, though

In the areas which no study's prove
Perhaps "in areas which studies cannot prove" in the interests of flow?

And it sparked with three: I love you
The unmittened hands of time froze
Then, there was no such thing as time
You need some sort of punctuation after "you"; the repetition of "time" bugged me something nasty - I reckon "the unmittened hands of moments froze/with no such thing as time" might serve you better - just a suggestion, though, you might not like it

And the midnight conversations
Hours on end until the sun puts us to sleep
I will remember till the hourglass stops
Not a whole lot of punctuation going on there... feels like it needs something (comma?) after "conversations" and something else (colon/semi-colon?) after sleep. And something at the end, of course

And then you came to me and I saw -
the pure innocence through the
Neverending path of the unknown
Good, good imagery, but the meter (or lack thereof) just kills it - you need to keep the phrases but rejig how they're put in there. My suggestion is "And then you came to me: pure innocence,/ through neverending paths of the unknown" - it makes it just two lines - you can probably find another way that's equally as good if you don't like it, but I'd get the rhythm right, and it'll be a great stanza.

Four words called to angels: Will you marry me?
Just needs an "out" after "called" to make the flow nice and sweet.

Heaven floated open to me, reaching out
I was touched by an angel
Wing's feathers brushed against my face
Read it out loud work the rhythm so it flows nicely - you can do it, I've seen you get it perfect before.

I promised you, with five words: till death do us part
And I kept my promise
Punctuation at the end of the first line? (and last one too )

As our lives passed on and on
The pleasure of life, life itself in our hands
To the fullest, smelling the roses,
Smiling, nothing for granted, we lived
Together
Quuuuu-ality!

Yet in the autumn of such joy
Our happiness, our lives, though over in body
But never in soul,
Ended with six:
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Woah! Abrupt and bittersweet, last line is an absolutely top-notch killer - cliche used *very* effectively.

So, the overall picture - excellent; not only have you written quite a long poem with sustained strong imagery throughout, but you've also worked in some good recurring themes: the counting words parts are obvious and clever and work well. Rhythm and punctuation need a little bit of work, but hey: those are the things everybody works on - you've got the most important part, and that's the imagination.

Oh, and one more thing:
I can never be an Incandescence or xantham_gum (Sorry if I mispelled it), or arieda or backgroundbob.

You're 14, m'dear - I was writing absolute junk when I was fourteen. Keep improving, and you'll be a darn sight better than I am by the time you hit this age.

Young Writers Society

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